Chapter 18
eighteen
RYAN
When the producers told me there was a surprise guest today, I figured it would be someone’s mom. Maybe a former contestant. Not someone that might make my stomach do something close to a nervous backflip.
Standing right in the middle of all the girls, making them die with laughter, is my best friend Jay. Also, coincidentally, Wren’s big brother.
My gut clenches. If Jay’s here, I need to be twice as careful. He doesn’t know about me and Wren. I can’t let him find out.
Well, there’s nothing for him to find out. Not really .
Steeling myself, I stroll up to the gaggle of people. Jay is gently ribbing his sister.
“You’re gonna lose, buddy. Just like you did when you were in third grade.”
She screws up her face. “I hardly think that something more than ten years ago should be admissible in this event.”
Jay slides his arm around her shoulders and gives her a squeeze. “Sorry, kid. That’s the field you’ll always be playing on when you play with someone my age.”
Something about the easy way she leans into it makes my throat go tight. She looks safe with him. Protected. Like the rest of the world hasn’t touched her yet. Including me.
She rolls her eyes and spots me. “Oh look, there’s Ryan,” she says. “Let’s all look at him now.”
I don’t miss the sarcasm in her tone. Neither does Jay. He’s wearing a whistle, a pair of aviator sunglasses, and he’s holding a pair of red and blue flags. He looks like he’s coaching a high school football game.
“What is all this?” I say. “Also, hi.”
“Hey, man.” He gives me a side hug. “I’ve just been chatting with your lovely bachelorettes here.”
Daisy laughs and steps closer to Jay, patting him on his six-pack abs. “You know, if Ryan doesn’t pick me…”
She trails off. She’s kidding, I think, but Jay steps away and points at his ring finger, which glistens with gold.
“Sorry, ladies. I’m married. You would all love my wife, though. She’s the best. Also, she makes amazing cupcakes. In fact, I brought a tray of them for you guys to enjoy later.”
The girls exclaim as I give him a questioning smile. “So what’s with the getup?”
“Capture the flag, baby,” he says.
“I’m amazing at capture the flag!” JacqLyn crows. “Y’all are going down.”
“Who’s gonna be on what team?” I ask.
“I’m so glad you asked,” Jay says. “I’m gonna be on a team with Raven, Letitia, and Nikki. You’re on a team with…”
He pauses. “Actually, Wren’s team will be paired with JacqLyn, Mei, and Divya.”
I glance at Wren. She doesn’t flinch, but I know her well enough to recognize the tiny tick of her jaw. She’ll handle it. Of course she will. But that doesn’t mean I like it.
I don’t know whether that’s good news or not for her, since those are the three most chaotic players on the field. But judging from JacqLyn and Divya’s serious expressions, I feel like Wren’s going to be okay.
Jay explains the rules very briefly. They’re not complicated. Capture the flag and run it back to the home team’s side. It’s not an exceptionally well-thought-out activity.
Jay, of course, revels in it. As far as I can tell, he’s always been this way. He’s not chaotic himself, but he likes to amplify whatever is already going on.
Five minutes in, the whole field is a jumbled mess, women strewn everywhere. Jay is trash-talking Wren the whole time.
“You sure you don’t need a fast pass, little girl?”
The look she gives him would level a normal man, and she just dishes it right back. “You sure you don’t need a walker, old man?”
Jay lunges. Wren fakes left, then ducks. Jay trips past her and she sprints right. Straight to the flag.
Her team wins, which is a total surprise. I thought my girls were going to take home the flag.
She’s radiant. Mud on her knees, grinning triumphantly. For a second, I forget where we are. Forget that she’s off-limits. Forget everything except how goddamn beautiful she is when she’s winning.
Wren’s in competitive mode now. Fierce. I keep thinking about that first day. Quiet, awkward Wren. That girl’s gone. And I miss her. Except I kind of don’t.
Jay plays it off like it doesn’t sting, but I’ve known him too long to think he takes losing any competition lying down.
After we all have a bit of water and a cupcake from Jay’s wife, we all turn to look at Jay.
“What’s next, old man?” I ask him.
He narrows his eyes at me. “You’re six months older than I am, first of all,” he says.
He’s as quick as he is sharp. “Second of all, we’re going to play a little no-holds-barred Q&A with Jay.
That means the girls can all settle under the old oak tree right here and ask me anything they want to know about your life. ”
Mei squeals. Divya and Raven chuckle. Wren looks downright haughty.
Yeah. I’m already sweating. We haven’t even gotten to the meat of this challenge.
We all settle down and the cameras take a couple minutes to center us. During the downtime, Jay answers questions about his own job.
He is a well-known influencer. Most of the questions are about how he got so many Instagram followers. Wren is looking at her nails like she’s bored. Raven whispers something in her ear and makes her snicker. God knows what that’s about.
Rich and the director get out of the camera line, then the director calls action. JacqLyn is already leaning close to Jay and smiling very widely. She bats her lashes. “Tell us the worst thing that Ryan’s ever done on a date.”
Jay laughs. Loud and unhelpful. “Which one? God, honestly, too many things to count. He’s ghosted a lot of girls while they were on the date.
But there was also one time in Vegas when he picked up another girl while he was already on a date with the first…
and didn’t tell her right away. That was awkward. ”
The bachelorettes all burst into excited murmurs.
I clear my throat, raising my hands like I’m admitting my faults. “That was over ten years ago, I’ll have you know. I’m a changed man. I swear.”
Jay laughs and elbows Divya, who glares at him.
“Has Ryan ever been in love with anyone?” Daisy asks. “Has it ever been serious?”
Jay just snorts. “I don’t know… does hockey count? Because if not, he is solo as fuck.”
That one lands harder than it should. I laugh it off, but there’s an ache behind my ribs. I’ve given so much to the game. Maybe too much. Maybe I don’t know how to give anything else.
I shrug, not seeing any reason to defend myself against that one. It’s true.
Raven butts in. “What about hookups? Has he had a lot?”
To his credit, Jay falters here. Clearly, he doesn’t want to outright make fun of me. But he and I definitely got up to no good together in college. And out of college, really, until right up until the moment Jay met his wife.
We were man sluts together. A proud tradition.
I don’t really know how I want him to answer that question.
“I’m going to say more than a few and leave it at that,” Jay says. “Bro code says that you don’t rat out your fellow bro.”
All the girls start laughing. I grimace. I am dying inside.
Jay swings his gaze over to Wren. “How about you, little sister? You got any dirt you wanna dig up on your boy Ryan?”
She’s quiet at first. Then she shrugs. “I already know him, I guess.”
JacqLyn purses her lips. “Come on. You must have some questions about the man.”
Wren nips her bottom lip with her top teeth. “Okay… well, what kind of girl does he usually go for?”
My heart fucking stops. She’s looking at Jay, but I can feel the question burning through me. What is she really asking? What does she want the answer to be?
Jay smirks, spreads his hands wide, and leans back. “Honestly? He likes hot messes. Pretty girls with bad boundaries.”
Wren turns bright pink. I nearly choke on the bottle of water I was sipping.
Goddamn it, Jay. I want to reach across the space between us and take it back. Reassure her. Tell her that she’s not a mess.
She’s the opposite. She’s… everything.
Jay doesn’t notice. He just keeps going. “Usually, the girls he likes are clingy and dramatic. They’re fun for, like, a week. Then Ryan just ghosts them. Hard.”
Wren’s eyes go wide. I can see her doing some kind of mental math, recalculating everything she’s ever thought about me. Goddamn it.
This is the most horrible experience of the show so far.
After a few more questions and answers, the director calls it a day.
The girls head toward the house. For a second, I think about catching up with Wren.
Making sure she understands that I only ghosted girls who couldn’t understand that I just wasn’t interested anymore.
But I can’t exactly follow her right now. Not with Jay lingering nearby.
“Beer?” I offer. “I have a nice little private patio.”
“Totally,” he says.
We head inside my room. I open the mini fridge that I keep stocked. Mostly bottles of water, but a few Modelos. I pop two and step out onto the deck.
We’re only on the first floor, so the courtyard isn’t impressive by any means. But we settle down in the two chairs sitting there and sip our beers.
Jay looks over at me. “You doing all right, man?”
No. Absolutely not. I am sweating bullets, drowning in secrets, and trying not to spiral. The one girl I shouldn’t touch is the only one I can’t stop thinking about. She happens to be Jay’s innocent little sister.
I automatically nod, even though it’s more like a shrug if I’m honest. “Yeah, totally. I’m just ready to be done with this whole TV show. I’m doing it because they offered me a lot of cash, but it’s a drag on my summer.”
Jay nods. “I got you. It’s a little wild to me that Wren ended up on the same show you did.”
“It was totally by accident. Just… coincidence.”
“Right.” Jay pauses for a long moment. “Listen. I think Wren still has a crush on you.”
I freeze. How the hell would he know that?
I try to look casual. “Oh yeah?”
He nods. “I’m not worried about it or anything. I know this is all just for TV. You’ll keep it professional. But it’s clear to me that she’s still into you. Actually, I should’ve known the first second I saw you guys in the same location and she wasn’t yelling at you.”
I roll my eyes to disguise my true feelings. “Yeah, I think that’s just down to being stuck in the same room all day, every day for the better part of a month. I wouldn’t give it much thought.”
“Well, you know,” he says, “just treat her gently. You may not have feelings for her, but I don’t know.
She’s never really had a boyfriend or anything.
I’m worried that she’ll just fixate on you.
She’s not like the types of girls you usually mess with.
She’s quiet. She’s delicate. She’s been through a lot more than you know. More than people think.”
I can’t quite bring myself to disagree with that sentiment, so I just nod. Jay’s told me I’m reckless before. He didn’t say it like a joke. And now that I’m starting to care, I finally understand what he meant.
“Anyway.” Jay claps me on the shoulder and then takes another draw of his beer. “Maybe this job will help Wren come out of her shell. Meet someone her own age. You know, someone less you-coded.”
I swallow hard. I sure as hell hope that’s not what’s coming down the pipe for us. “Sure. That’d be good,” I answer.
“Come on. What are these producers thinking, anyway?” Jay shakes his head. “Pairing you and Wren up? That’s a disaster waiting to happen.”
“Yeah, uh… total disaster,” I agree.
My stomach feels like a black hole.
A few minutes after we finish the beers, Jay leaves me on the balcony.
I sit there. I stare out into the sunset, thinking about the way Wren looked at me when Jay called me a perpetual ghost. It was like she suddenly wasn’t sure about me.
She had to do the math. Figure out whether I was worth the risk.
Honestly, she probably should stay away. I should definitely push her away. But all I want is to touch her again, to hear her moan in my ear, to watch her fall apart just for me.
That might be the problem. The worst part? I don’t even want to stop. I just want her.