Chapter 25
“He did what!?” Ashley thinks she’s being quiet with her whisper hiss, but she may as well have just screamed it across the bar. Several heads whip our way, and I bundle her toward the supply closet, pulling the door firmly closed behind us.
“Would you keep your voice down?” I whisper even though we’re behind a door. I don’t trust anyone not to come snooping.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Ashley’s voice has taken on a high-pitched quality that makes my ears itch, “Was I supposed to act calm when you told me you let Roman —”
I slap my hand over her mouth. “Don’t say it.”
She mumbles something, so I let her go.
“— finger fuck you in the middle of the woods!?”
“Ashley!” I think I’m a puddle on the floor.
“What?” She laughs and then wiggles her finger in my face. “You’re blushing.”
I press my palms to my cheeks. “Is this stupid?” I ask her seriously, “Am I asking to get hurt?”
“Niamh,” Ashley wraps her fingers around my wrist and drags my hands away from my face, “Do you have feelings for him?”
“I shouldn’t,” I rush out, “I shouldn’t, should I?”
“Breathe, babe,” Ashley orders. “Why shouldn’t you?”
“He paid me.” My shoulders sag as I let the door take my weight before I slide down it to land on my ass on the floor.
“In the beginning,” Ashley joins me and crosses her legs under herself, “But it’s not like either of you saw this coming. So what if that’s how you started? You deserve to be happy, Niamh.”
“What if being happy is the thing that makes me forget?”
It’s already started happening. I don’t think about my dad as often throughout the day, especially when I’m with Roman. He takes all my focus, pushes all that sad away, and I don’t know if I’m ready to let it go.
“You and I both know your dad would be so pissed if he heard you talking like that,” Ashley pins me with her dark eyes. “You don’t forget people, Niamh, it just gets a little easier to be without them. If Roman is giving that to you, I say let yourself have it.”
“And then what happens when he hurts me?” I fire back with a shrug, “How many blows do I have to take?”
“But what if he doesn’t hurt you, Niamh?”
When I don’t answer, she reaches forward and grasps my hand, holding onto it tight.
“It’s okay to be afraid, but what’s not okay is letting fear control you. You were afraid of opening this bar, and look what you made.”
“I knew what to expect with the bar,” I huff.
She laughs, “No, you didn’t. Stop being stubborn.”
“You’re supposed to be on my side,” I remind her.
“I am on your side.” She rises to her feet. “I will always root for your happiness; this is no different.”
I hate that she’s right, and I hate that I’m a fucking coward.
“Come on.” She jerks her head toward the door. “They’ll all be having a meltdown out there.”
I take her hand and let her pull me off the floor. “We were supposed to have a date tonight.”
“What!?” She shrieks. “Then why are you here?”
“I lied.” I wince.
“Wait, that actually makes sense in why you’re wearing that.”
Looking down at the dress I picked out for the night, I smooth my hands down the soft skirts. I don’t wear things like this often, I don’t have time to, and the bar is hardly the place. I’d felt pretty after I put it on, but then I chickened out and lied about the staff sickness and call.
“I told him we had a staff shortage, and you needed me.”
Her eyes roll so hard I’m surprised she doesn’t see the back of her own head. “You’re leaving.”
“Wait, no.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes. No take-backs.”
I open and close my mouth. “That’s not fair.”
“Bitch, don’t push me. I’ll drive you there myself.”
I roll my lips. “Fine. But how am I meant to explain myself!?”
“You tell him everything.” She says it like that doesn’t make my gut cramp with anxiety.
“How about I do that tomorrow?” I reason with my best friend as I follow her out of the closet and into the bar.
“Nope.” She pops the P.
“I’ll do whatever you want,” I flutter my lashes.
“Absolutely not.” With a firm hand, she snatches my keys from the counter and plants them in my palm. “Now off you go. You’ve got a cowboy to apologize to.”
“Ash Bash,” I whine.
“Off you go.” She points to the door. “You’re cut off for the night.”
“You can’t kick me out of my own bar!”
“I just did.” She lifts a brow in challenge.
“Fine, but you’re in time out.”
“Time out from what?” She chuckles.
“Me.”
“That’s fine, you’ll be too busy saving the horses and riding the cowboy.”
I gasp and clutch at my imaginary pearls. “Ashley.”
She wiggles her brows. “Have fun.”
I watch her slip into the fray, collecting glasses as she goes, and I huff a breath.
I know she’ll have my ass if I don’t leave, so I reach for a bottle of whiskey from the top shelf and then grab a bottle of wine from the fridge.
Offerings always soften the blow, right? Like here, have a present, I fucked up.
God, this is going to be awful.
Say you need me.
I’m in so much trouble.
Saying a quick goodbye to those who notice me leaving, I make my exit, heading toward my truck.
A quick honk of a horn catches my attention before I manage to unlock the door and lift my head to see Oscar in his cruiser parked across the street.
He offers me a wave, which I return, but I don’t stick around for him to ask me out again.
Laying the bottles on the passenger seat, I round the hood and hop in behind the wheel to make the journey back to Knight Falls.
The drive back goes by entirely too quickly, the ranch signage swinging in the slight breeze as I pass under it, following the long narrow road up to the main house and pull to a stop beside Roman’s truck.
I haven’t even got the door open when Roman steps out onto the porch in nothing but a pair of gray sweatpants.
Holy shit.
My mouth goes dry as I look him over, from his bare feet to the thighs that stretch out the material of the sweats, the very obvious bulge at his groin and then to the V that carves into the lower part of his abdomen, a trail of dark hair traveling from his navel down, disappearing into the waist of his pants.
I follow the bumps of his abdominal muscles to his chest covered in a smattering of hair and then up, past the strong clavicles and the thick neck to his mouth and then, lastly, his whiskey eyes.
Taking a breath in the hopes it’ll soothe me, I reach for the bottles, and then get out of the car, my steps short and slow as I make my way toward him.
“You’re early, sweetheart.” He frowns, taking the bottles. “What are these for?”
“An apology.” My eyes are down, focused on the dip between his collarbones.
“What for?”
“Can we go inside?” I ask instead.
“Niamh, talk to me.”
“I lied, Roman. I didn’t have a staff shortage. They didn’t need me. I chickened out, okay?” I finally meet his eyes, expecting outrage, disappointment — something — but all I’m met with is amusement.
“Okay.” His head cocks as he studies me. “So what do you want to do?”
“I want to make up for it.” I say, my voice catching a touch, guilt making my stomach roll, but then I sigh, “I’m scared.”
Admitting it to Ashley is one thing, admitting it to Roman? It feels like I’m baring a part of my soul, opening myself up to be vulnerable.
Placing the bottles down, he steps closer and lifts his hands to my face, cupping it gently as he tilts my face up so I can meet his eyes.
“Lift your hand and put it on my chest, Niamh.” He orders softly. “Over my heart.”
A breath stutters from my lips as I do as he asks, laying my palm flat over his left pec and immediately feel how hard his heart is beating. It’s fast and strong, fluttering against my palm. My eyes drop from his to my hand as if I can see it, the way his heart is pumping.
“You feel that, sweetheart?” He dips his head to meet my eyes again.
“That’s what you do to me. The moment I heard you pull up, my whole body reacted, and I haven’t been able to come down since.
You terrify me. But it isn’t the type of fear I want to run from, it’s the type I want to chase.
Fuck Niamh, you make me feel alive and it scares the hell out of me. ”
He’s scared too.
“And every time I look at you, I find it nearly impossible to look away. And when I kiss you, all I want to do is keep doing it, keep tasting you, hold on and not let fucking go. I’ve been alone for an awfully long time. I thought that’s what I wanted and then I married you.
“So I get it, baby, and you can keep running if you want to, I’ll chase. I’ll keep chasing.”
My heart thuds inside my chest, and my fingers curl a little against his bare skin, slightly biting.
“You feel right, Niamh.”
He feels right too.
You deserve to be happy, Niamh. Ashley’s words ring in my head.
I thought I was happy, or as happy as I could be, but looking back on this past year, maybe even longer than that, I’ve been stagnant. I’ve watched the world keep moving while I stand still, doing nothing, going after nothing. I just existed, but I haven’t lived.
I haven’t lived for a long time.
The swimming at the falls was the spark of color in the mundane until Roman showed up and asked me to marry him. Ever since, little sparks of color have popped up, they’ve bloomed in the shadows, in parts of me I thought would never see the light again.
Yes, I am terrified of what could happen, but how will I know if I don’t take that risk?
“Kiss me,” I demand.
“Thought you’d never ask,” He grins before he closes the little gap between us and slams his mouth to mine.
It feels different from all the other kisses, it feels like a claiming and a promise. With his hands cradling my face, he angles my head further back, deepening the kiss while his tongue seeks entry. He tastes like whiskey and honey, so damn warm and addictive I’m chasing it when he pulls away.
“If we continue, Niamh, I won’t stop.” He rasps, eyes turning dark.
“Then don’t stop,” I breathe heavily, my body aching with how tightly I am strung. “I need you.”