Chapter 17
Chapter
Seventeen
Edith
Joel: I don't want this to come between us.
Joel: I need you, Edie.
I stare at the messages that I’ve already read six times over and hate the fact I can sense desperation through his words. He hasn’t lost me—he never will.
I’d needed to process my feelings because last night had been the best night I’ve ever had. There had been no time for hesitation—no room for resistance. I’d wanted every part of him, and I’d taken them with no regrets. I’d opened my eyes and watched the man sleeping beside me this morning, feeling like I finally belonged—like I was floating. I’d felt… free.
But it was all too good to be true and I hadn’t been prepared for the consequences.
I was in their bed.
Her bed.
My sister’s bed.
I’d seen her face, heard her words and relived that day over and over like my mind had been on repeat, and I hadn’t been able to find the pause button.
I’ve since tried to convince myself that it was just sex, but I know it was so much more.
I hadn’t been able to stay in his presence any longer because the more I’d stood there, the more I’d wanted him to hold me forever and never let go, and the more I’d wanted to have his promises and his kisses.
I’d wanted everything and almost allowed myself to fall into the world that would just be me and him before the darkness had crashed over me, reminding me of why I can never have that special kind of love I’ve always craved.
The sound of Daisy heading downstairs has me placing down my phone and heading for the fridge .
“Erm. Morning, moo bag.”
“Good morning,” I say, considering it’s just turned noon. “Breakfast?”
“Please. I’ll have whatever, and why is it so damn bright today?”
I chuckle, taking out some juice and a selection of fruit. “I’m not sure. I was just considering this myself. Why would it be so bright on a glorious, sunny morning in May?”
“Stop that. Sarcasm is prettier on me.” She yawns. “How was the party?”
My stomach tightens as I swallow down the trepidation that my morning run hasn’t managed to shift. Keeping my back to her, I prepare some chopped fruit and yoghurt. I’ve not seen her since yesterday morning and if I look at her, she will know something is off. She’s too damn good at that.
“It was fine. How was work?” I ask, hoping my quick subject change will throw her off the topic of conversation. Only, I feel as though she knows what I’m up to because her response comes after hesitation.
“Long. Did I tell you I hate people?”
I grin. “A nurse who hates people. That must be a first.”
“Yeah. I don’t know how I can change that.”
“Should’ve been a vet.”
“Now there’s an idea.”
“Have you been for a run already this morning?” she asks curiously, coming beside me to pour herself a coffee from the fancy coffee machine that only she uses.
“Yeah. I still need to shower, though.”
“How far?”
“A little over ten miles.”
“So why are you punishing yourself?”
Daisy knows I have to run to clear my head, but in her eyes, anything over six miles means I’m running from something and punishing myself for it. And most of the time, she’s right. Once I pour the yoghurt into our bowls, I turn to face her, knowing I can’t avoid this conversation forever.
“I knew it!” she says, looking like she’s ready to go to war. “Who the fuck do I need to punch today?”
I let out a heavy breath. “After I tell you what I’ve done, it’ll probably be me.”
“Why? Did you launch one at Lorna and have me miss it? Because I want to be there the day you do.”
“Noted. But no.”
“But it’s about the party, right? Because this ‘it was fine’, bullshit hasn’t washed with me. What happened?”
I don’t beat around the bush because you never can with Daisy. And I’m now suddenly grateful she’s here because I need to get everything off my chest.
“Well, in a short sentence: Leon was there and is Lorna’s new best friend. Meanwhile, I went home and had sex with mine.”
She almost coughs out her coffee, and for the first time today, I laugh.
Once she gets herself together, she looks back at me. “Whoah.”
"Yeah.”
“Whoah,” she repeats before a grin spreads across her face and she looks up at the ceiling, placing her hands together. “Thank you, Jesus. It’s about damn time.”
Looking back at me with excitement in her eyes, her face quickly falls when she sees that I’m chewing on my lip and fighting to keep it together. “Shit. Start from the beginning.”
After taking a seat at the table, I proceed to tell her how the night had played out. From Lucy Knighton to Lorna stirring her cauldron and all the feelings that had flipped through my body in the few hours I was there. But Dad’s party is the least of my worries right now.
“So how was it? The sex. I want details.”
Incredible .
I let out a sigh, drawing my finger over the pattern on my coffee cup. “It was… emotional. Passionate. Hot. It was everything. But getting lost in the moment has now caused me to put myself in a situation where I’ve made everything worse.”
"Why?"
Because I’d panicked. Everything just got too much and all I’d been able to think about was what was going to happen next when nothing had even happened at all.
“He blew my mind, Daze. But I was terrified to hear his rejection, so I got in there first and pushed him away.”
“But he doesn’t regret it?”
“No.”
“So why react like you did?”
I lower my head. “Because all I could see when I looked at him was her,” I admit. “The last conversation I had with her was going around in my head, and I feel like I’ve done the one thing I promised I never would.”
“Oh, moo bag.”
My night with Joel had made me feel like that kind of person—the one who breaks relationships or marriages.
“I’m no better than the likes of Leon,” I whisper .
“Back the fuck up, sister. You are nothing like him. He’s a fucking snake.”
“I still slept with a married man.”
“No. You slept with a widower who happens to be your best friend. You are nothing like him and have done nothing wrong, either. Do not compare yourself to that lowlife.” she states, looking at me with her ‘hear me when I tell you’ eyes. “What are you going to do about him anyway? Because that better have been his first and last appearance, otherwise I’m likely to rip the fucker’s balls off.”
“I don’t even want to think about seeing him again.”
“You think he was just here for the party?”
My chest tightens. “I hope so. I don’t know.”
I’ve tried not to think about him, but the truth is, whether I think about him or not, it still hurts that he’d rocked up.
I first met him in Skipton. I’d walked right into him as I was leaving the coffee shop, and within seconds, he’d been covered in icy cold Diet Coke, his white shirt stained down the front as I stood there, eyes wide and my hand covering my mouth. It had been a Monday, and nothing was going right for me at all that day. The last thing I’d wanted was to be on the receiving end of an angry man. But his response hadn’t been what I’d expected. Before I’d known it, we were laughing over it. I’d told him where I worked and to send me his dry-cleaning bill as my way of apology. But all he’d wanted was for me to buy him a coffee. A few days later, I’d received flowers from him, and a week later we’d been on our first date.
He'd always come across as caring, funny, easy going… Everything a woman would want in a man. I’d told myself it was a sign—a sign to help my mind forget Joel—so I’d pursued it. But in the end, it had all meant nothing.
“I guess we will see. I’ve nothing to say on the matter. I just want to forget it.”
She sips her coffee. “So, it doesn’t bother you that he’s friends with Cruella De Ville?”
“Well, yes. And Lorna will delight in rubbing it in my face, but what can I do? I’ll just have to avoid him.”
“Edith, it’s a small village. I know what colour Doreen Summer’s knickers are after seeing them on her washing line. Chances are you’ll see him again.”
“Well, I can’t think about that right now. I have to make things right with Joel. I have to know we are okay, even though I promised him we would be.”
“So talk to him. Tell him what is really going on in this head of yours. Tell him about your last conversation with Sophia because running miles to try and avoid things isn’t going to change anything unless you talk.”
I glare at her. “That’s not what I’m doing.”
“Edith, running is what you do best. But no matter how hard you try and stop it, it’s not going to solve the problem.”
“I know that.” I scrape back my chair and stand, needing to escape the truths she’s currently firing at me. I pace the kitchen floor, trying to stop the chaos that has suddenly entered my brain. She’s right. I know she is right. I’ve always used the countryside of Appletreewick as a penalty against my thoughts and feelings. Only it isn’t clearing my head like it once did. I’m on a battlefield in a war I never win.
“She got what she wanted in the end when it came to my feelings, didn’t she? Having me suffer. And now she’s left me with so much guilt. I can’t stand it, Daze. It’s unbearable.”
“Which is why you can’t keep it to yourself anymore.”
“It still won’t change the pain,” I murmur, tears now stinging my eyes.
“But at least it's off your chest. That day has had a hold over you for too long.” She leaves the table and comes to stand in front of me, taking my hands in hers. “None of this is your fault, Edith, and I hate watching you be so hard on yourself because of a few words that were said in the heat of the moment. Talk to Joel. Because it sounds to me like you’re both tied up in knots over the same person, and until you push that aside, nothing is going to change. Don’t push him away because of fear.”
The thought of saying the words to Joel that I’ve kept hidden for so long is almost choking. The hardest part of all had been listening to Joel talk about the day Sophia died and how he blames himself, but if blame needs to be at anyone’s door, it’s mine.
“What if he hate’s me?” I whisper.
“There’s nothing to hate you for because none of it is your fault.” She hugs me tight. “Besides, he’ll have my boot up his arse if he does. Okay?”
“Okay. Thank you. I needed this.”
“You’re welcome. I’m always here for you. You know that.”
“I do.” I smile, squeezing her a little hard and appreciating her company.
“Right, I’m going to wash the dishes. And you need to shower because you stink.”
“Don’t you not want the shower first?”
She pulls away and grabs my shoulders, turning me in the direction of the doorway. “Nope. Last night’s shift made me a cranky bitch, so I’ll be off to have an orgasm before I get some more sleep.”
I laugh. “Thanks for the details there.”
“You’re welcome. Now dry those pretty eyes and get your Edie head back on.” She blows me a kiss, and I follow her orders, heading upstairs.
I’m a little more relaxed having got things off my chest, yet I can’t escape the feeling of anxiety that comes with it when thinking about seeing Joel again. For thirteen years I’ve wanted what I shared with him. Thirteen years. I’d just never expected the onslaught of feelings that would come after.