Chapter 16
Nikki tried to occupy themself that evening by staying on their tablet, looking up art supplies and pretty things. But it didn’t really work. Something about being on the Jaeggi compound had stirred up old feelings. Feelings of being trapped, imprisoned. Feelings of longing to escape.
Being in Burkhard Castle was in no way comparable to the Jaeggi’s control except for the same vigilance, with similar rules about leaving.
Of course, it made sense—they were in a state of war, so precautions had to be taken.
But it felt, on a purely emotional level, like Nikki was once again hemmed in on all sides.
As if they didn’t have the freedom to leave.
The urge to go out vibrated under their skin, jittery and uncomfortable, like thousands of ants crawling everywhere. It got to the point Nikki couldn’t ignore it. No matter how Nikki fought the urge, they still found themself on their feet, pulling on shoes and a light jacket, heading out.
Not far. They wouldn’t ever choose to go far from Gunter. But a walk outside the castle walls should do it. Just that would prove to Nikki they could leave if they wanted to. And maybe the feeling of being locked inside would finally fade with proof.
They went out the back side, as it was the closest door to the main grounds from their room. The route passed by the greenhouse, which sat mostly still and quiet at this hour of the evening. Nikki didn’t think anything of it until they had their hand on the side gate leading out to the main road.
“Nikki?”
Turning, they spied Tori coming out of the greenhouse, a plant cutting in one hand. Eucalyptus, it looked like.
Caught flat-footed, their hand on the open door, Nikki felt strangely guilty. Like a cat-burglar caught in the act.
“Uh. Hi?”
“Hi, but what are you doing? It’s a bit late to go into town; all the shops are closed at this hour. Do you need something?”
Nikki stared at Tori’s innocent-looking face, with his innocent inquiry, and really had no way to answer. A tendril of panic snaked down their spine and started doing the wiggle. Would they be in trouble for being out here? Maybe they should make a break for it and just run back to their room?
Something about their expression or posture clued Tori in. A little suspicious, Tori asked slowly, “This isn’t a run to the store, is it?”
Nikki looked at Tori, edging a little defensively back to the castle. If Tori started giving them grief about being out here, they’d just run for it. They weren’t going to stand here and take a verbal lashing. It would be too much on top of the anxiety Nikki already battled.
“Hey, hey, easy. I am absolutely the last person to give anyone grief about feeling caged in, okay? That’s why you’re out here, right? You needed some fresh air?”
Nikki studied that face, at how resigned Tori looked, as if he knew precisely what went through Nikki’s head. Why did they suspect Tori had stood in this exact spot before? Feeling the same anxiety and fears and frustrations?
Ah, fuck it. Nikki’s shoulders slumped a little. “Yeah. Something like that.”
“Right, okay. Come sit and talk to me, yeah? I think you need to talk this out. There’s a bench right outside the wall we can sit on, if you feel the need to be outside the castle for a bit.”
Nikki really was torn on just going back into the castle or following Tori. Did they trust Tori enough to talk with them out here? No, that wasn’t even really a question. Tori had done nothing to them despite having ample opportunity to do so. It wasn’t a matter of trust, but level of comfort.
And really, Nikki was tired of running. Tired of their trauma making decisions for them. For once, Nikki wanted to try trusting. Tori was a good person to trust, Nikki felt it in their gut. And it was time to follow through on that feeling rather than stay locked in paranoia.
So, they took a deep breath…and a leap of faith.
“That sounds…perfect, actually.” Nikki allowed Tori to pass by, then followed him out the gate.
There was indeed a little bench—two in fact.
They sat under a massive oak tree with a truly excellent view out of the mountains.
A peaceful place that probably didn’t get used all that much, considering its location.
Nikki sat facing the mountains, the vast horizon spreading out in colors of deep blues, oranges, violets, and pinks, and instantly felt better for it.
Tori sat on the wood bench next to them, looking out the same direction, letting the eucalyptus lay over his thighs. He sat like that for a long moment before speaking, his words rough and low.
“I’m not sure how much you heard of my old clan.
I mentioned a few things to you, but I don’t think I explained just how much our backgrounds are alike.
The Taavi were also very paranoid about being found.
They glamoured their town to hell and back, making sure nothing could find them there.
No one was allowed to leave, except for supply runs.
It was a prison. And they didn’t even seem to realize it.
“I wasn’t treated well in that prison. Because I was a male mage with dyscalculia, they wouldn’t let me do any magic. I supposedly wasn’t trustworthy. I was locked in a place I hated and couldn’t even freely use my magic. It was hell.”
Nikki listened with keen interest, and in that moment felt a kinship with the man like no other. “No, I hadn’t heard that. Really? You said you left; was that why?”
“That and I’m gay. I wanted a husband. I wanted the chance to be treated like a normal person instead of a pariah.
” Tori’s expression turned soft. “I didn’t see Baldewin coming, not back then.
I just wanted out. I hated that town with a passion.
And truly, being Baldewin’s mate has given me more freedom than I’ve ever experienced before.
He doesn’t hold me back. If I want to do something, I’ve got his full support.
I try to give him the same. It’s taken a lot of time and work on all our parts for me to let go of that trauma.
The love I’ve received from the Burkhards has soothed a lot of old scars and hurts.
This is the family I always should have had, and I’m beyond thankful to have them now.
But there are still moments when the walls feel like they’re closing in on me.
Because of the threat the Jaeggi pose, because of the heightened security of the castle, we can’t easily go out.
It reminds me too much of the Taavi, some days. ”
He got it. Without Nikki needing to speak a word, this man got it.
Nikki breathed out in relief, so glad they didn’t have to justify or explain.
All the defensive words on their tongue melted away, and it left them in an easy place with Tori.
Turned out trusting was the right call after all.
Gunter had said Tori would be a good listening ear, if Nikki ever needed one. He’d been so very right.
Tori’s openness encouraged Nikki to speak as nothing else would.
It wasn’t easy. Nikki felt the words form and die on their tongue several times.
Voicing this was hard. But Nikki wanted to change, wanted to grow into a person Gunter could see as a partner, not just someone to protect.
And none of that would happen if they couldn’t even admit to the problem.
So, Nikki gathered their courage and framed it into words as best they knew how.
“I’m usually fine, day to day. I really do love it here. And I’d never leave Gunter, not ever. But…being at that old compound today… Something about it set off old feelings of being trapped. I just…I had to get out for a second.”
Tori nodded, not surprised, expression filled with understanding. “Just to prove that you could. Yeah, I get it. I’ve done the same a few times.”
“It’s absolutely not Gunter’s fault,” Nikki felt compelled to say.
“It’s never Baldewin’s either. Or anyone else in the clan.
There’s sometimes not even an obvious trigger on why I feel so strongly that I have to be outside.
And it never lasts long, sometimes just a few hours.
Being outside of the walls, knowing I can walk out and leave when I wish, that’s all it takes. ”
Nikki blew out a long breath. “That’s good to hear.”
“There are days I wish my metabolism worked as fast as my anxiety. The weight you can gain in this castle is no joke.”
Nikki snickered. “I hear that. There’s a lot of good cooks in this clan.”
“Don’t I know it.”
Looking around at the horizon, Nikki felt the driving need to go out dissipate.
Was it because they were outside and able to look at the mountains unrestricted?
Or was it because they were able to talk through these feelings with Tori?
Nikki had a feeling it was a healthy helping of both.
“I honestly feel better just sitting out here.”
“Yeah, this is a favorite spot of mine. I sit here often when the feeling hits.” Tori caught their eyes, mouth twisted up in a sad smile.
“Look, Nikki, what happened to you was wrong on so many levels. Just like what happened to me was sickening and wrong. And it has left its imprint on us—no pretending otherwise. I think it’s okay to cut ourselves some slack.
Don’t give yourself grief over all this.
Be kind to yourself. Work against the problem, not yourself. ”
“You’re saying that if I get like this again, it’s okay to just come out here?”
“It’s absolutely okay. It’s okay to tell Gunter flat out, too, that you’re not comfortable inside the castle right now.
He’ll fly you in a heartbeat. And the dragons love flying their mates around.
I honestly think they live for it. It makes Baldewin sad I won’t fly with him, but I’m too scared of heights to manage it.
I bet Gunter would love to fly you, though. ”