Chapter Eleven #2
She grinned as he pulled her away from the ladder.
Her own breathing slowly regulated, and she turned in his arms, pressed her lips against his while residual tremors played her spine.
“That was fantastic.” Even she heard the awe in her voice.
“I never knew intercourse could be so exciting or done in such a way.” With the shake of her head, she tugged her bodice back into place as her skirts fell down.
“I suspected, of course, but I feel quite the ninny being married for eleven years and not knowing…”
“It isn’t your fault. Weymouth was sloppy and lazy.” After he tucked his flagging member inside his breeches, he did up the buttons. “And hell, Penny, you deserved his love.”
Tears unexpectedly welled into her eyes. She blinked them away while he retrieved his greatcoat and then spread it on the floor near the ladder. “That was never going to happen between us, though. There was more wrong than merely the age difference.”
“And yet you were willing to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of the marriage.”
“That is what one does,” she managed to whisper.
“No.” He shook his head. Then, taking her hand, the major tugged her down onto the greatcoat with him.
“A union should take into account both parties’ happiness and contentment, which requires attention from the pair.
” After propping his back against the bookshelf, he encouraged her to lie down with her head resting on his belly.
“So says the man who has never been married.” But his words evoked an image of something she desperately longed for. A union with both people working toward a common goal with love that bound them.
Would she ever have that in her life?
“One doesn’t need to have been married to know that one needs to treat their significant other with respect, decency, and love, at the very least and affection and attraction that has room to grow.”
“Are you a secret romantic, then?”
He snorted with amusement. “I wouldn’t say that, but don’t mention this conversation to your brother. I’d never hear the end of it.”
Slowly, Penny nodded as a pleasant wave of exhausted satisfaction came over her. “Tell about one of your times in the military. Did you miss home? Were you cognizant of the fact you were in a different country, or did you stick around a fort most of the time?”
“I admire how curious you are, Penelope.” As he spoke, he finger-combed her hair.
“Yes, there were many months wherein my work took place in and around the fort in Bombay. However, there were always clashes between the Indians native to the area and the British occupation. The East India Company had quite the swelled head around that time, thought they were superior to others, which exacerbated the situation.”
“Did you see fighting?” Hearing about this part of his life was fascinating.
“Indeed. Many of the battles didn’t last long, the British occupation was strong, and one thing the British military is known for is organization.
That kept rebellions to a minimum. At least in that part of India.
By the time I was injured and my commission expired, I was more than ready to come home.
” He met her gaze in the gloom, for the illumination from the candlelight didn’t reach into their cozy corner.
“Yes, I missed England and London, or at least a couple of things about it.”
“Your mother?”
His chuckle released a horde of butterflies in her belly. “Not quite, though I’m glad she didn’t do something irresponsible in my absence.”
She clasped her hands at her waist. The sensation of him combing his fingers through her hair was quite lovely and relaxing. “Did you take a lover during that time?”
“I’d rather not say.”
A snort escaped her. “I won’t be offended or even scandalized. Remember, I was trapped with Weymouth the whole time you were away.”
“True.” A huff left his throat. “My time in Bombay was long, and there were times when I couldn’t bear to go back because too many things had changed.
” He was silent for so long, she wondered if he would continue the conversation.
“Yes, I had a few lovers. Two were Englishwomen attached to various officials or peers at the fort, and one was the daughter of an English general and his Indian wife.”
“How exciting.” She met his gaze again. “I’m glad you have always been scandalous.”
He frowned. “You are.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes.” She nodded. “Men who constantly toe the line and follow the rules are dreadfully dull.” And sharing scandal with him now continued to surprise her.
When she’d been a young, innocent just out of the schoolroom, she would have sacrificed much for the chance to share such intimacies with him, for at the time, her only future was Weymouth.
But now he was gone.
“To be honest, I tend to believe I’m too far gone to be a good man anymore.”
“Why? Because of what you had to do during the war?”
“That, as well as other things.”
Hearing a tone of despair in his voice, Penny righted herself and sat with her back against the bookshelf next to him. “Will you let me catalogue some of your scars?”
“Not tonight. I’d rather talk to you and pretend I was someone else.”
She glanced at him, caught the frown tugging at his lips, and then took his hand in hers, threading their fingers together. “You refer to what’s not right in your head.”
“I do.” He nodded. “I suffer from nightmares, Penelope. In fact, I don’t remember the last time I had a full night’s sleep.
The things I saw during my military career, the things I was forced to do, the sounds from men dying or in agony…
” With the shake of his head, he clutched at her hand.
“There are times when I wake in a dead sweat, thinking myself back on those battlefields.”
“I’m so sorry.” Was that what her brother suffered from as well?
“It’s not just that. India, while a glorious country, is a land of contrasts. There are very rich individuals and also extreme poverty all in the same area. The way they treat each other by a caste system is cutting and devious, at times.”
“Like class differences in England.” She shrugged. “People always need some form of barrier to keep those they deem lower than them away.”
“Once, during the night when I was with a mistress, I almost killed the woman by waking prematurely and thinking her an enemy bent on attacking me.” Emotion graveled his voice.
“I didn’t mean to; it was pure instinct, but our relationship broke after that.
Probably as it should have. That is one reason I’ve not cared too deeply about another woman.
” When he met her gaze, his was dark and tormented. “I’m too dangerous. Too broken.”
“No.” She shook her head. “That wasn’t your fault.”
“It was. I should be able to control my impulses, especially three years after I left the damned war.”
Penny huffed. “Stop. You need to find other ways to cope with those problems.”
“I’ve tried.” Yet he hung onto her hand with a hard grip that hurt a bit, but she didn’t wish to sour the moment.
Gently, she eased her fingers from his. “Bedding women isn’t the answer.”
“Agreed, but it’s a distraction.”
“It doesn’t help.”
He waggled his eyebrows. “Depends on the woman.”
“Oh.” She sucked in a breath. Did he mean her? “If you need someone to talk with, please feel free to call. I want to help you.”
“I appreciate that. Being here with you now helps.”
They sat in silence, and she considered it a bonding moment.
Eventually, Penny stirred. “You should marry, Cornelius. At least then you’ll have someone looking after you. I worry over you and what will become of you.” She eyed him. “In fact, I’ve always worried about you.”
Surprise flickered over his face. “What if I hurt the next woman in my life?”
“You won’t.”
“Why do you think so?”
She laid a hand on his thigh. His muscles tightened beneath her fingertips. “You won’t let yourself, because a man like you will only marry for love or not at all. Because when it comes down to brass tacks, you are a brave and honorable man.”
“I don’t know about that.” Turning halfway to her, he added, “If I were all that honorable, I wouldn’t be doing unspeakable things to my best friend’s sister, the woman I promised him I wouldn’t go near.”
Before she could respond, he cupped her cheek and gently pressed his lips to hers. The tender overture had tears welling again in her eyes, and as she pulled away to peer into his face, a shuddering sigh left her throat. “Are you going to show me what is in those parcels you brought over tonight?”
“In time. Right now, I want to stay here in the silence and the gathering darkness. With you, and pretend…”
She frowned. “Pretend what?”
“That things were different.” Unfortunately, he didn’t elaborate, and she didn’t ask for fear of what he would say.
“I’ll be here for as long as you need,” she said in a barely audible whisper as she rested her head against his shoulder. When his arm went about her waist, she smiled.
For the moment, this was enough. It wasn’t marriage and it wasn’t being married; it just… was, and she was content with that.