CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
S TEFANIE
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A S I TURNED INTO THE driveway, my bags in the trunk rustled, cans falling over. My gaze drifted to the mailbox. I quickly looked away. I would not stop and check it. My life did not center around that damn mailbox.
I pulled into the garage and pressed the button to lower the door behind me. It took me four trips into the house to bring in all of my bags. And that was with me carrying in as many as I could each trip. I had a lot of groceries.
India’s summer break was starting soon. I had to make sure the fridge and cabinets were stocked with her favorites. To be so small, she sure could eat. I teased her that all that food went to her hair. Like me, she had big hair energy.
I couldn’t wait to have her home. I placed two boxes of cereal on top of the refrigerator. My gaze drifted toward the living room. Should I go check the mailbox? No. No, I shouldn’t. I shook my head and took more items out of my bags.
My gaze drifted to the front door twice more. Each time, I stopped myself. I had things to do. The mail could wait. I opened the refrigerator and put my milk, cheese, and eggs inside. As I closed the door, I looked toward the front of the house.
Nope. Not gonna do it.
I’d just placed a jar of swirl peanut butter and jelly in the cabinet when I sighed, unable to hold out any longer. I needed to check the mailbox. I walked around the bags, through the house, and out the front door.
When I reached the mailbox, I stood there staring at it. Too nervous to open it. Get it together, Stefanie. I pulled the lever open. Nothing . The disappointment was almost a physical ache in my chest.
I peered into the mailbox again, just to make sure I wasn’t missing anything. I wasn’t. A week. It had been a week since he’d sent me anything. Damn it. I closed the mailbox a little harder than necessary and stared at it for a second, willing it to produce something.
A letter. A sticky note. Anything as long as it came from Julian. But there was nothing in there from him. Julian hadn’t written to me in a week. And I’d desperately needed one of his letters yesterday.
That day had been hell. My last day at the only job I’d had after graduating from college. I’d shown up at the station expecting hugs, cake, and a nice little farewell celebration. Instead, security met me at the door with a sad smile and a cardboard box. My name was scribbled on the side in Hudson’s handwriting.
“Mark said you could take your last day off,” the guard had said, as he handed over the box. “I’m sorry, Ms. Adams.”
I’d swallowed down the tears as I stared at it, confused, then heartbroken.
“But...” I started. “My coworkers, they’d planned...” I couldn’t even get it out.
He shook his head, apologetic. “Your clearance has been revoked. Mark’s orders. He had me clean up the last items you had left in your desk and put them in this box for you. But I stopped by the front and talked to some of the employees and told them what was happening. The gifts they were going to give you at the party are inside. So are the cookies Courtney made for you. There are some letters from the staff in there, too. My gift is the little blue box.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, accepting the box.
“I’m sorry, but I have to take your badge.”
I’d handed it over, stunned silent.
Then, gently, he asked, “Can I hug you?”
I nodded to the security guard who’d been working at the news station just as long as I had.
As he wrapped his arms around me, he whispered, “You’re so much bigger than this place. You’ve always outshined this job. You’ll succeed wherever you go.”
Those words, kind and unexpected, nearly snapped the fragile grip I had on my control. I refused to cry. I’d already done that because of this job. This place wouldn’t get any more of my tears.
Holding it in, I thanked him for always being kind to me and always opening the door for me when he saw me heading into the building. After our embrace, I left the building of my dream job.
I had no regrets. I’d gone to college and gotten the degree I’d wanted. I’d entered the field I wanted and had excelled at it. Back when I’d first started, it had been a male-dominated field, white males.
Others like me and I had stepped into that field, broken that glass ceiling, and excelled. And now, because of me, Courtney would be next. And because of her, someone else would carry the torch. No, I didn’t have any regrets.
After I’d gotten in my car, I received a text from Hudson saying: It didn’t have to end like this.
I’d quickly texted him back: Fuck you. This isn’t my ending. It’s my beginning.
I’d driven home, expecting to check the mailbox and find something from Julian. But there had been no letter waiting to soften the blow. Now, standing in my kitchen putting groceries away, I caught myself sighing because I’d come to depend on Julian’s letters too much.
I was supposed to be focusing on myself and learning to be happy with myself by myself. The goal was to stop searching for happiness in others or allowing myself to fuel the happiness of others while neglecting myself.
Yet here I was, sad because Julian hadn’t written me a letter. Was I transferring my codependence from India to Julian? Did I need someone in my life in some form at all times for me to be okay?
Could I not be alone for a while, completely alone to get to know myself again? Another heavy sigh escaped me. I’d been alone since India went to college. I was tired of being alone. And Julian’s letters had filled that void.
But I couldn’t depend on them. That would be an addiction I couldn’t keep up. I was almost done putting the groceries away when my phone rang. I didn’t even look at the screen before answering. The ring tone was one he’d chosen for himself.
“Hey, Ronnie,” I answered, tucking a loaf of bread into the pantry.
“Hey, Ms. Fuck That Job ?” he teased.
I smiled faintly. “That’s me! What’s up?”
“Just checking in on the newly retired queen of meteorology. You settling into freedom yet, or are you already bored?”
“I didn’t necessarily retire. I’m not old enough to do that. I’m moving into my second career.”
“Same thing. How are you handling it? Are you okay? Has it really hit you yet that you’ve quit?”
I snorted. “It’s too soon to tell. I haven’t had a chance to enjoy it. Yesterday was a shit show.”
“Oh? Did something happen?”
“Yeah. I showed up at work thinking I’d say goodbye to everyone. I’d planned a goodbye speech to say to my followers on air. But nope. Security met me at the door with a box and told me I wasn’t allowed in. Mark said I could have the day off. No goodbyes. No hugs. No, thank you for your time here. Just...a box.”
Ronnie went quiet for a second. “Damn. I’m sorry, Stef.”
“I don’t even care about Mark,” I muttered. “It’s the fact that I didn’t get to hug anyone. Or say goodbye. It just felt cold. It felt like they were letting me go and not the other way around.”
“Those ungrateful fucks! Jobs suck. That’s why I started my own business. Fuck them jobs.”
“Yeah, fuck them jobs.”
“And you can always go on social media to say your farewell.”
“Yeah. But without doing it on the air, people are going to assume I was let go or something.”
“That’s why you’ll make sure you say you’re retired and to stay tuned, more is coming from the Diva soon.”
“Yeah, I could do that.”
“Bitch ass, Mark. If I see him or Hudson, I’m going to fuck them up.”
“I’ll help,” I told him as I closed the cabinet and strode over to sit down at the kitchen table.
“You started your romance novel yet?”
I laughed dryly. “Of course not.”
“You should. Use this summer to work on it. I’m ready for chapters, woman. I’ve been in a reading slump lately.”
I stared down at my feet. “Do you really think I could do it?”
“Hell, yeah. But you won’t ever do it if you don’t start.”
No truer words had ever been spoken.
“I’ll use this summer to get started. But I’ll be really busy with India home. I planned stuff for me and India to do while she’s home. Summer mom-daughter bonding. Movie nights, beach trips, cooking classes. But I will try to fit some writing in too.”
“Yeah...” Ronnie started. “About that. Don’t get mad and don’t shoot the messenger.”
Him telling me not to get mad always meant I was about to be mad.
“What did you do, Ronnie?”
“It’s not me,” he rushed to say. “It’s our gremlin. Little Indie.”
“What?” I asked, sitting up straight. “What happened?”
“Nothing has happened. It’s just... She, uh... she wants to stay in Hattiesburg this summer. In my guest house.”
I paused, blinking rapidly as I stared out into space. “What?”
That was the only word I could get out. My brain wasn’t exactly understanding what he’d just said.
“Our pumpkin spice is learning to be a responsible adult. She wants to work this summer. Part-time at that coffee shop near campus, and part-time helping me out at the restaurant. She volunteered to do the dishes on weekends. She asked me to ask you if that’s okay.”
“Why didn’t she ask me herself?” I hissed through clenched teeth.
“Because she didn’t want you to snap at her the way you’re about to snap at me.”
“I rarely snap at that child.”
“She’s no longer a child, love. She’s becoming an adult. She’s in college. She’s chasing her independence. We can’t hold her back.”
I bit my tongue to keep from saying I’m her mother, I can do whatever I want to her. My mother had said that to me so often while I was in high school and college that I couldn’t wait to get out of the house and get married.
Big mistake!
That was one of the reasons I hadn’t returned home when things started getting rocky in my marriage. I knew my parents would welcome me home with open arms. But I’d been so ashamed of my failure as a wife, so upset that my mother had been right, that I’d tried to work on a marriage that couldn’t be fixed just to prove a point to myself and my mom.
I wouldn’t push India into doing something drastic just to prove she was an adult and didn’t need me. I still needed my mom. India would always need me, too. Letting go didn’t mean severing ties.
“I understand she’s growing up. I’m learning to deal with that. But she doesn’t need to work. I want her to focus on school and relax during her vacations. I’ll give her money.”
“I know, but our little monster wants to make her own. She said she wants to ease your load since you’ve left the station.”
“She can ease it from Biloxi. There are summer jobs here.”
“She already applied and had the interview. She got the job.”
“Without even discussing it with me?”
“I think our little butterfly is just trying to stretch her wings, Stef. We can’t clip her wings. We have to let her fly.”
“How many nicknames are you going to call her on this one phone call, Ronnie?” I yelled.
“As many as it takes to ease your anger, my beautiful, wild-haired tornado.
“I’m not mad.”
I was hurt. My chest tightened. And I swallowed back the lump in my throat.
“So she made all these plans and sent you to break the news?” I mumbled.
“Our little No Limit Soldier always uses me as her first line of defense.”
I chuckled. “I’m glad she has someone she trusts to go to when she can’t come to me.”
“You know it’s not like that, Stef.”
“No. I know. I’m serious, Ronnie. I get it. It’s how I was with my mom. But I didn’t have another adult to go to when I needed someone to talk to. India does. So, thank you. I know if you were worried about her or thought this was a bad idea, you’d tell me.”
“You know I would. I even called the coffee shop to verify that she had a job there. I’m not letting our little porcupine just be out here in these streets. Oh, and she told her new boss that she needs a few days off around August first so that she can celebrate her birthday with her mom. She didn’t forget you.”
“Gee, thanks. Glad I made the birthday list.”
Ronnie chuckled gently. “We were the same way. Remember when we spent that summer working for my aunt in Florida?”
“Yes. I was sunburned and smelled like fresh shrimp for three months.”
“Your dad finally gave you permission, and your mom cried like you were leaving her forever.”
I laughed. “My poor mom. I thought she was being so dramatic. I’m paying for that now.” I stared up at the ceiling. “We had fun that summer.”
“And did! We thought we were so grown, making our own money. We made memories that lasted us a lifetime. And your dad actually took a couple of days off work to come down and see us with your mom. Your dad never took time off work, so that was a big deal.”
“I know, right. We all went swimming, and my dad went fishing with your uncle while we went shopping with my mom.”
“I lost all the pictures we took years ago. But those memories are still fresh.”
I sighed. “I get why she needs to do this. You did your job, messenger. I’m not going to force her to come home. But it still hurts. First spring break, now this.”
“I know, Stef. Another bit of good news is that our little firecracker plans to come home for the Fourth of July. And she said she’d call you right after I let her know you’re not going to kill her for this.”
“Tell our little faraway fairy that she can call me now. I’m not mad. But I do have some rules. And tell her I plan to come visit at least twice a month.”
Maybe more. India was growing up, but she wasn’t grown. She couldn’t do whatever she wanted.
“Will do, my little mermaid princess.”
“Talk to you later, my little king of the sea.”
Laughing, Ronnie rushed to say, “Wait. Don’t hang up yet.”
“Please don’t tell me there’s more. I can’t take anymore.”
“I wanted to tell you that this would be a great time for you to work on your book and seek sexual inspiration for research purposes.”
My mouth dropped open. “What?”
“I’m serious.”
“I know!”
“Just think about it. I saw your post about flowers on your social media. And I also saw the little thank you note about the coffee and muffins. You may be able to fool India, but you can’t fool me. Something's going on and I’m here for it. Live it up. But put it in the book because I need the tea.”
“Bye, Ronnie.”
“Bye, babe. Happy fucking!”
He ended the call before I could reply. Crazy ass. A summer alone. I haven’t had a summer alone in seventeen years. I guess fate was really pushing me onto the path of self-discovery.
I now had no choice but to work on my romance novel. I had no choice but to spend some time alone and learn to be happy with myself. I sighed and stared around the kitchen.
Okay, Stefanie. Let’s work on seeking happiness from within. You’ve got this, chick!
The doorbell rang, and for a second, I sat there, staring in its direction. I wasn’t expecting anyone. And frankly, I wasn’t in the mood for people. But curiosity won. I dragged myself up and shuffled to the door, peeking through the peephole, and blinked.
A FedEx guy was standing on my porch, holding the biggest damn teddy bear I’d ever seen. It was wrapped in clear plastic and decorated with a large black bow at the top. I opened the door slowly.
“Can I help you?”
The delivery guy looked down at the bear, then back at me. “I’m looking for Stefanie Adams.”
“That’s me.”
“Need you to sign for this.”
My eyes dropped to the bear again. My heart was already racing a little. I took the little digital pad from him and scribbled my name.
He nodded toward the plush giant. “Want me to bring it in for you?”
I shook my head. “Nah, I got it.”
He passed it to me, and I instantly regretted my decision. It was heavier than it looked. And the plastic? Slick as hell. I wrangled it against my side, propping it up with one hip like I was toting a baby.
“I’m surprised the plastic didn’t tear in shipping,” I mused as I adjusted my grip.
“Oh, it wasn’t shipped. Someone dropped it off directly at our office this morning. This is its only stop.”
My heart thudded. Julian Cattaneo.
I swallowed. “Thanks. Have a good one.”
“You too.”
I shut the door, locked it, and stood there for a beat, just staring at the oversized bear. Then I carried it into the living room and set it down in the center of the floor. Peeling off the black bow, I began unwrapping it slowly, carefully, like I was afraid of breaking it or something.
Once I had the plastic off, I stepped back to stare at the bear. It was actually really cute in its little black vest and tie. It was holding a heart that said hug me. I sighed. I really did need a hug. And since the real thing wasn’t here, I may as well hug a bear.
Opening my arms, I said, “Bring it in, big guy.”
I moved over and hugged the bear tightly. A deep voice filled the room. With a yelp, I released the bear and stumbled away from it, nearly slipping down on the plastic. What the fuck was that?
I stared around the room. I was alone, as I should be. But I could’ve sworn I’d just heard Julian’s voice in my house.