CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
S TEFANIE
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I STOOD THERE FOR A moment, frozen, gazing around the living room. Whenever the plastic crinkled, I looked in that direction. I know I wasn’t imagining things. When I hugged that bear, I heard Julian’s voice.
My eyes drifted to the bear, and the little heart it was holding that read: Hug Me . I reached out and squeezed the heart. Julian’s voice filled the room again. I smiled. No, this man didn’t send me a Messenger Bear, or whatever they called these things.
I pulled the bear over to the couch, plastic rustling loudly. I sat down and positioned the stuffed animal in front of me. I squeezed the heart again. The deep rumble of Julian’s voice filled the room.
I’d known I wasn’t going crazy. He’d sent me a Messenger Bear. This was a first for me, and I couldn’t lie, I loved it. Excitement hummed through my veins. Now it was time to see how many recordings were in this thing. I didn’t squeeze the heart this time. I pulled the bear close and hugged it.
JULIAN : Here’s something for you to hold on to and sleep beside until I’m next to you again.
I gasped, breath catching in my throat. Releasing it, I laughed. Cocky much! Was he so sure he was going to sleep next to me again? I hugged the bear again.
JULIAN : I miss you. Do you miss me, Ms. Adams?
The way he said my name made my heart flutter. I released the bear. Was I blushing? I wasn’t blushing. Was I? I hugged the teddy again.
JULIAN : I’ve got a serious question to ask you. Don’t hug me again unless you’re ready to answer the question.
Releasing the bear, I stared at it. A serious question? Was I ready to answer a serious question? I didn’t know. I had to hear what the question was first. My hand hovered near the heart. My pulse picked up, loud in my ears. My fingers trembled slightly as I reached out and hugged it one more time. Julian’s deep voice wrapped around me.
JULIAN : Can I have you, sweet Stefanie?
The breath I didn’t know I’d been holding left me in a soft gasp. My stomach did this slow, traitorous somersault. Heat flared across my face and crept down my neck. My eyes fluttered shut for a second, as if I could physically block the intensity of what he’d just asked.
Can I have you?
My hands loosened around the bear as I pulled back, stunned. That question... it hit different. I sat there, frozen, staring at the stuffed animal. This man just asked if he could have me. I should be offended by that. I mean... have me ?
That sounded like he wanted to possess me, own me, or something. No, he couldn’t have me. So why the hell was a smile creeping across my face? Ugh! Was I really smiling? I fell back onto the couch and stared at the ceiling.
Yes, I was smiling like a teenager with her first crush. It was embarrassing. But I was alone, so I had no reason to be embarrassed. I sat up and faced the bear. I smiled at it.
“Can you have me?” I whispered.
The answer was no. It had to be no. But damn it, my body... damn traitorous body... it wanted to be had. Luckily, my mind was in control and knew better. My smile faded as I stared at my latest gift from Julian.
“Can you have me?” I asked softly. “I wish... but I don’t think that would be wise. I’m ten years older than you, and I have a daughter who would throw a fit if she knew I was dating you. Plus, her roommate is your sister, and that just feels weird. Then there’s the... other stuff that would only complicate things more.”
I exhaled, leaning forward, forearms resting on my knees. “Being with you... it’d be good. I know it would. I do miss you. And I’ll admit, the sex was the best I’d ever had. But I don’t think I’m brave enough to withstand the opinions of others. There was a time when I had to stand tall and put on a brave front to protect myself and my daughter. I don’t know if I could go through something like that again. And that would be too much of a strain on a relationship. So, no Julian. You can’t have me. I’m not brave enough to weather the storm that would come.”
I touched the bear’s paw, ran my fingers over the soft fur.
“But I want to be,” I whispered, tears forming in my eyes. I blinked them back. “God knows I want to be brave for you.”
“Don’t cry, sweet Stefanie. I can be brave enough for both of us.”
My hand stilled on the bear. I hadn’t pressed the heart this time. Did the paw make the bear talk, too? I was just about to press the paw when the bear spoke again.
“There’s no need to worry about the opinions of others. All you need to do is follow your heart.”
What the absolute fuck?
“Julian?” I asked hesitantly.
The bear didn’t respond at first. But then, my suspicion was confirmed.
“Hello, sweet Stefanie.” His voice was smooth. Too smooth. Too real. Too... not pre-recorded. “You look beautiful today.”
I gasped, lurching back on the couch. “Oh my God,” I whispered. “Julian?”
Could he see me? How? My gaze roamed over the bear. Then I saw it. How had I missed the tiny red dot that blinked from just under the bowtie?
“You put a camera in this bear?” I shrieked, half-impressed, half-horrified.
“I did,” he admitted, not sounding the least bit ashamed.
This motherfucker! “Julian Cattaneo, you know this is illegal, right?”
He chuckled, a deep, sultry sound that rolled over me, making me want things that I had no business wanting.
“Stefanie, I would break into a prison to get to you if I had to. I’d kill to be with you. I’m not concerned with what’s legal and what’s not.”
Why did that sound romantic to my crazy ass?
“You... You should be!” I stuttered. “You could go to jail for this.”
“All’s fair in love and war, Stefanie.”
I gaped at the bear. “You’re spying on me through a stuffed animal, Julian!”
“I wouldn’t call it spying,” he said, voice light and teasing. “It’s more like... keeping an eye on someone I care about. Besides, I wanted to see your face when you hugged it.”
My level of mortification had never been this high!
“This is insane,” I whispered, still not believing this was happening to me.
“You’re right. This is crazy. I guess it’s because I’m crazy about you.”
“That’s no excuse.” That was the perfect excuse. Fuck, was I toxic?
“I have no excuses,” he replied. “I’m just stating facts.”
I opened my mouth, then closed it. I opened it again, only to shut it once more. I had no words.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Julian said.
I narrowed my eyes. “Which one?”
“Can I have you, Stefanie Adams?”
Throat dry, I looked away. “Julian...”
“I get it,” he said, voice softer now. “You’re not feeling very brave about us. I can understand that. I just need you to understand this. You don’t have to be brave yet. Take your time and work up your courage. For now, I’ll be brave enough for both of us.”
He made it sound so simple. And I truly wished it could be that simple. But I knew it couldn’t. I swallowed hard, a whirlwind of emotions swirling around me. There was so much I wished I could say.
I wish I could explain why this could never work. But I couldn’t tell him the truth. So, half-truths were all I could give.
“It’s not just about being brave. There’s so much more to this. Our age difference. Our connection through India. Your sister is her roommate. It’s all just... messy.”
“Do you miss me?” he asked. “Not just the good dick and tongue. But me. The man behind the dick. Julian Cattaneo.”
I knew I was blushing again. I couldn’t help it.
“I miss the dick,” I told him, another half-truth.
I missed him, too. That was the whole truth. But hearing that would only make him more determined to be with me.
“Are you sure that’s all you miss?”
I nodded, staring down at the bear's paw.
“You may be older than me, but you’re not as experienced as I am,” he told me.
My gaze snapped to the blinking red dot. “Are you calling me inexperienced, Julian Cattaneo?”
“I am, Stefanie Adams.”
“I was married before. Or have you forgotten that fact?”
“Oh, I remember. I also know there’s no way the man you were married to pleased you the way I do.”
I swallowed. How did he know?
“When I say inexperienced, I’m not talking sexually, though that’s true also. I’m talking emotionally. You love your daughter, that’s obvious. But I don’t think you’ve ever been loved properly by a man. So to you, I may seem over the top when the truth is, I’m holding back because I know you’re nervous about us.”
“I’m not inexperienced emotionally, Julian. Again, I was married.”
“Marriage is just a word. You and your husband were married, but there’s no way he yearned for you the way I do. I’m going crazy being away from you. I want to see you, to touch you, to breathe the same air you breathe. I dream about you. I even daydream about you, planning out what I’ll do when we’re face to face again.”
Damn. Most men wouldn’t admit to something like that. And my husband never told me things like that. Hell, I’m sure he never felt such things. At least, not for me. But for her , he felt that and more.
I swallowed, not wanting to think about him. Or her ! My gaze moved back to the blinking dot.
“What will you do when we’re face to face?” I asked, immediately chastising myself for giving in to my curiosity.
“First, I’ll hug you. Then I’ll ask you if you’re okay. I know leaving your job must’ve been hard.”
I would ask him how he knew I’d left my job. But he was Julian Cattaneo. There was no need to ask.
“I’m sorry for not being by your side while you dealt with that,” he told me. “I’ve been a little... under the weather.”
“Are you feeling better?” I asked, concerned.
“I am. Thank you for asking, Stefanie.”
Why was I blushing again? Ugh! Did my body forget that I was a grown ass woman?
“Do you want me to continue telling you what I’d do when we’re face to face again?” he asked.
No.
“Yes,” I whispered.
“After I hug you and ask you how you’ve been, I’ll lead you to the...”
Bedroom?
“Kitchen...”
And bend me over the table.
“And make you a cup of tea. While you drink it, I’ll listen as you catch me up on what you’ve been up to while we’ve been apart.”
Then you’ll fuck me?
“Then I’ll tell you what I’ve been up to. Some of it, of course. There are some things you’d probably rather not hear about. But if you want, I’ll share those things with you also. I don’t want to hide anything from you, Stefanie.”
That was all fine and dandy, but when would you fuck me?
“What’s that look on your face?” he asked.
Shit. I forgot he could see me. I ceased biting my lower lip.
He chuckled. “You’re wondering when I’d stop all of the talking and bury my tongue in your pussy, aren’t you?”
I wanted to shy away from his words. I wanted to cover my face to hide my blush. But I wouldn’t let him see me getting all worked up because of his words. I hated to admit it, but I wasn’t as experienced as I’d thought, neither in sex nor love. But I’d rather talk sex than love. Sex was less complicated.
So, I smiled and said, “Yes. I seem to recall someone writing that they wanted to taste my soul.”
Silence filled the air. For a second, I thought I’d gone too far. Then his voice filled the room again, all deep and sultry.
“Damn it, Stefanie. I wish you could see me right now.”
I swallowed. “Why?”
“Because I’m hard as fuck just thinking about licking you until I taste your soul.”
I bit my bottom lip, my heart beating faster.
“But this conversation isn’t about me tasting you,” he said. “So, I’m going to ignore my hard-on and focus on what’s important. Helping you work up the courage you need to see beyond our obstacles.”
“I think I’d rather talk about that hard-on,” I whispered.
“You’ll taste it soon, I promise,” he told me.
Damn it, Julian. Now I couldn’t get that image out of my head.
“But my cock isn’t the only part of me that craves you, Stefanie.”
It’s the only part of you I can accept, Julian.
“I don’t want to overwhelm you or pressure you, but I want more with you than just sex.”
“Julian...”
“You feel the same way. I know you do.”
I exhaled slowly. At this point, there was no reason to deny it.
“I do. But that doesn’t mean I can act on it. We can’t always have what we want, Julian.”
There was a pause, then, “Thank you for not denying you want me.”
It was my turn to go silent as I considered how he must’ve felt hearing me reject him before. I hadn’t wanted to. It’s just... I came with baggage. And I wasn’t referring to my child. She wasn’t baggage, she was a blessing.
But I had baggage. A closet full of skeletons. It would be selfish of me to let him into my life and weigh him down with my troubles. That didn’t mean I wasn’t thankful to him for being there for me, even though we were miles apart.
I loved the way he made me feel. He wasn’t even present, and I felt good just knowing he was watching me. But this couldn’t continue. I could not give him what he wanted. I don’t know exactly what he saw when he looked at me, but I was not who he thought I was.
“Thank you for the letters,” I whispered. “And for the coffee and muffins. For this bear.” I flicked the bear’s nose as I blinked back tears. “You don’t know how much they’ve helped. I was going through a really hard time, and your gifts... they got me through.” I swallowed back my tears.
His voice was tender now. “That was the point.”
I smiled sadly. “But we can’t keep doing this. And you can’t keep watching me through a bear. I’m going to have to send it back.”
“You don’t have to...”
“Yes, I do. You can’t spy on me.”
There was a pause. “There’s no return address with the bear. And if you throw it away, I’ll send you another one,” he said simply. “A bigger one. And that one might sing.”
I chuckled, wiping tears from my eyes. “You’re ridiculous.”
“I’m in love.”
I froze. He didn’t say anything else. Neither did I. I just sat there, staring at the red dot, knowing he was staring back at me.