Chapter Forty-One
S TEFANIE
––––––––
I WAS UP BEFORE RONNIE the next morning, moving around the kitchen like a woman possessed. Bacon, eggs, biscuits. I even pulled out the grits and stirred in heavy cream, just the way India liked them.
If food could fix what was broken between us, then I was about to serve the solution on a platter. Every time I glanced at the front door, my chest clenched. I checked my phone. Still no reply. When Ronnie finally padded into the kitchen, shirtless and half-asleep, I was already plating the bacon.
“Damn,” he muttered, rubbing his eyes. “Are you trying to win Top Chef: Mama Redemption Edition or something?”
I didn’t smile. “She still hasn’t texted me back.”
He grabbed his phone off the counter and opened it. “Hold up... Okay, she texted me.”
I turned toward him so fast my spatula nearly hit the wall. “What’d she say?”
Ronnie frowned, mouth tightening before he read it aloud. “‘I don’t need a mediator. I need a mother who doesn’t screw my roommate’s brother.’”
The words hit like a punch to the gut. I didn’t even realize I was backing up until my hip bumped the fridge. I looked away fast, blinking hard as tears spilled down my cheeks.
“Did she really say that?” I asked, my voice raw.
“Yeah. She did.”
I turned back toward the stove, hands shaking as I reached for the grits, trying to distract myself with food I knew no one was going to eat. How could we eat right now? I felt sick to the stomach.
Ronnie came over and gently took the spoon from my hand. “Stef.”
“I know,” I whispered. “She needs time.”
“She’s hurt. She’s lashing out. You can’t take the words she says in anger to heart. You know that.”
“But what if she’s right?” I said, voice barely above a whisper. “What if this... what I feel for Julian... is wrong?”
Ronnie’s brows lifted. “Wrong? Stef, come on. That man worships the ground you walk on.”
I stared down at the counter, my voice brittle. “He’s younger. People will talk. They’ll judge. And it’s me they’ll judge. And if my daughter thinks what I’m doing is disgusting, then what does that say about me?”
“It says your daughter’s eighteen and has no clue how rare the kind of love you’ve found is.”
“But what if it makes her ashamed of me?” My throat closed around the words. “What if I’m choosing someone who’ll end up costing me my relationship with her? I can’t do that.”
Ronnie stepped closer, resting a hand on my shoulder. “If it’s real, if Julian’s love is real, and yours is too, then you’re not choosing him over her. You’re choosing yourself , her, and him, Stef. You can have it all. You can. Don’t sacrifice anything. You’ve spent so long putting yourself last.”
I looked down, tears burning, heart heavy.
“I just want her to be proud of me,” I whispered.
“She will be. Eventually.” He squeezed my shoulder. “Right now, she’s angry. Let her feel what she feels. But don’t let it define what you’re allowed to feel. You’re allowed to be happy. You deserve to be loved.”
I nodded, but the ache didn’t go away.
“I may have to stay a little longer,” I told Ronnie.
“Girl, move in for all I care. I love having you here. Text your man and let him know you’ll be here longer. And don’t let this get you down. It’s going to be okay.”
I nodded, but I had a strange feeling that it wouldn’t be okay. When has my life ever allowed me to have everything I wanted at one time? Never . I texted Julian and let him know that Ronnie asked me to stay a few more days.
I knew if I told him the truth, that my daughter thought I was disgusting for loving him, he’d want to come here and help me convince her that he was serious about me. India wouldn’t want that. That would just embarrass her more.
He texted me back, wanting to know if I was okay. I texted him that I was. Then he called, but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I knew he’d hear the tears in my voice. And hearing his voice would probably make me break down.
Later that day, I was folding a pile of laundry in Ronnie’s living room, the scent of fresh linen filling the air, when a knock echoed through the house. I didn’t think Ronnie was expecting anyone.
I set the clothes down, strode over to the door, and peeked through the peephole. My breath caught. Julian . Julian was standing on Ronnie’s front porch. Shit! Panic surged through me, and for a second, I stood there frozen.
“Who’s at the door?” Ronnie called out.
Shit. Shit. Shit. I hoped Julian hadn’t heard him. I wasn’t ready to face him, not yet. So, I darted into the kitchen where Ronnie was sipping his coffee.
“Ronnie,” I whispered urgently. “Julian’s at the door.”
He raised an eyebrow. “What do you want me to do about it?”
“Tell him I’m not here. Please.”
“But you are here, and you two need to talk. It was wrong of you to avoid his calls anyway. I told you he’d show up if you didn’t answer.”
“This is not a time to be saying I told you so,” I hissed. “Go tell him I’m not here.”
“Then where are you?” he asked.
“Running errands,” I said.
Ronnie sighed, setting his mug down. “You owe me for this.”
I nodded, following him into the living room, then hiding behind the door when he opened it, so I could listen in.
“Can I help you?” Ronnie asked, his tone neutral.
“I’m looking for Stefanie,” Julian replied.
“She’s out running errands,” Ronnie informed him.
“Do you know where she went?”
“I’m not sure, but I’ll have her call you when she gets back.”
“I’ll wait on the porch for her,” Julian said.
Ronnie hesitated. “It could be a while.”
Silence hung in the air. I held my breath.
“I won’t leave without seeing her,” Julian finally said.
“I understand, but...”
“You don’t understand because you’re still talking. I’m not leaving without her.”
“Listen, I don’t want any problems,” Ronnie replied. “And I’d prefer not to disturb the neighbors.”
“If I don’t see Stefanie today, you won’t have any neighbors. I’ll burn every house on this street down if you don’t tell her to come out.”
“She’s not here and...”
“Stefanie!” Julian called out. “I’ll burn this block down if you don’t stop hiding from me.”
I sighed, knowing he meant it. I tapped Ronnie on the shoulder. He turned to me.
“I’ll go out,” I whispered.
“You sure?” he asked.
“I can’t keep hiding. I was wrong to hide in the first place.”
“Okay.” He turned back to Julian. “Don’t disturb my neighbors. And if she asks you to leave, you’ve got five minutes to vacate my property before I start shooting. I can get gangsta too.”
With that said, Ronnie stepped aside, and I stepped outside. As soon as I saw Julian, tears welled in my eyes. I blinked them back, trying to stay strong. I swallowed hard, my throat dry as I stared into Julian’s eyes.
There was so much love in them, too much. It made what I had to do next feel like cutting my own heart out. His hands were on my shoulders in an instant, his eyes scanning my face, my body.
“Are you okay?” he asked, worry lacing his tone. “Are you hurt?”
I shook my head. “I’m fine, Julian.”
He exhaled roughly, dropping his hands from my shoulders. “I’ve been worried about you. I called. I texted. I didn’t know what the hell was going on.” His brows drew together. “Why haven’t you come home?”
I looked away. I couldn’t answer.
“Is something wrong with India?” he pressed, stepping closer.
Still, I said nothing. I didn’t know what to say.
“Stefanie,” his tone sharpened, but not with anger, with desperation. “Talk to me before I assume the worst and start looking for people to kill.”
Shit. He deserved to know the truth. Maybe he’d be patient with me, give me time to convince India about us. My mouth opened, ready to tell him everything, until I saw movement from the corner of my eye. My heart stopped.
India .
She was walking down the sidewalk, headed back from Joanie’s house. Despite the text she’d sent, she was coming back to talk. Her gaze landed on us, Julian and me. The moment her eyes met mine, something cracked in her expression.
The betrayal, the raw hurt, it poured from her like a wound split open. She didn’t say a word. She didn’t have to. The pain on her face said everything. I’d broken my daughter’s heart. She turned and walked the other way.
I could barely breathe. Seeing my expression, Julian turned his head to follow my gaze, but I panicked.
“Julian!” I called out.
His eyes snapped back to mine, searching my face. “What’s wrong, baby?”
This man deserved better than me. And India deserved all of me. I was all she had. I knew what I had to do. I had to sever this connection with Julian so that I wouldn’t harm my relationship with my daughter. Damn, this was going to hurt so fucking bad.
“I’ve had some time to think,” I began, my voice softer now, trembling. “And I realized... this just isn’t working out for me.”
His eyes widened. “What are you talking about, love?”
“Don’t call me that,” I whispered, closing my eyes for a split second as pain sliced through me like a razor.
“Don’t call you what? My love? You are my love, Stefanie! So what the hell is going on?”
I looked away, unable to meet the devastation taking root in his eyes.
“Julian, I thought I could do this. I thought I was brave enough. But I can’t.”
He dragged a hand down his face and then through his hair, stepping back like I’d hit him. “Stefanie... are you trying to break up with me?”
“We can’t break up,” I said, voice flat, hollow. “Because we were never officially together.”
His jaw clenched. “How the fuck are we not a couple when I’ve been living with you for months? We’ve fucked in every room in your house and...”
“Please keep it down,” I hissed, cutting him off. My eyes darted to the side, to where India had disappeared around the corner. “I don’t want the neighbors to know I’ve been screwing a guy who’s much too young for me.”
He reeled, like the words had physically knocked the wind out of him. “You didn’t say I was too young when I was fucking your throat.”
“Probably because my mouth was full,” I snapped before I could stop myself.
Julian took a step forward, fury mingled with disbelief in his gaze. “Should I fill it now so you can quit talking this nonsense?”
I lifted my hand, placing it between us like a barrier. “Don’t.”
His jaw ticked as he looked away briefly, breathing hard. When his eyes returned to mine, they were shimmering with unshed tears. Still angry. Still confused. But underneath it all, he looked shattered.
“I came to take you home,” he said, voice low and trembling.
“I’m staying to spend more time with my daughter.”
“Is that really why you’re here?” His tone dipped darker. “Because now it just feels like you’re avoiding me.”
I hesitated. “That too,” I whispered.
His face crumpled for half a second before he caught himself. “Why, Stefanie? What did I do wrong? You were just promising to come home and tell me you loved me, and now you’re standing here pretending we were nothing. This makes no fucking sense.”
It didn’t. It never would. But it was the only thing I knew how to do right now. I couldn’t break India just to keep loving Julian. And yet... breaking Julian was breaking me too. Julian was still staring at me, trying to make sense of it all.
I could see it all reflecting back to me in his dark gaze. His confusion, his hurt, the beginnings of a storm starting to build in his chest as he struggled to process what I was saying. I recognized it because I was mirroring those same emotions back at him.
But I had to finish this. I had to break both of our hearts because dragging it out would only make the wound deeper.
“It’s just too much,” I said, voice. “Being with you... It’s too hard, Julian.”
“How is it hard, Stefanie?” he asked. “Just love me. That’s all you have to do, I swear. I can handle any and everything else. All I need is your love.”
Damn it, I was barely holding it together. I had to finish them before I broke completely in front of him.
“Our contract period is ending soon anyway, and maybe that’s the universe telling us it’s time to part ways.”
His jaw clenched. “Fuck the contract,” he said. “I’m not letting you go.”
When he reached for me, I jerked back instinctively, my eyes flicking toward the street to make sure India wasn’t anywhere nearby, watching,
“Don’t make this any harder than it has to be,” I told him, swallowing down the lump in my throat.
He stood there, breathing heavily, his arms falling to his sides like he didn’t know what to do anymore.
“Give me one good reason why we can’t work out,” he said, stepping closer. “And don’t give me a bullshit answer, Stefanie. Just one real reason.”
“I have several,” I told him, wrapping my arms tightly around myself to keep from falling apart.
“It won’t work because you’re too young for me. My daughter is your sister’s roommate. That alone is a challenge. And your family...” I paused, hating the lie I was about to utter. “Your family is too closely tied to a past I want to keep secret. Being with you could reveal things to India that I don’t want revealed.”
Julian’s eyes narrowed. He was already shaking his head before I finished.
“You’re a Cattaneo,” I said firmly. “Your family’s used to danger, to making enemies and getting into things I can’t have around my daughter. I have a child to protect. I can’t have her connected to a family that promotes violence.”
“Says the woman who killed...” Julian stopped himself from finishing that sentence.
But I took it as my reason to get angry and truly end this. My mouth dropped open. The words cut through me like a blade I didn’t see coming. My knees almost buckled.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, dragging his hand over his face. “I didn’t mean that. I’m just... no matter how upset and confused I am, I shouldn’t have said it.”
“No, you shouldn’t have said that,” I told him. “And since you did, it makes me wonder what else you’d reveal if we were in a heated argument. What if India were around when we argued? It’s too risky. I can’t do this.”
“Stefanie,” he said, his voice cracking as he reached for me again.
I pulled away. “Please leave, Julian.”
He shook his head, taking a step forward.
“Don’t make me call the police,” I whispered.
His jaw tightened. “Do I look like I give a damn about the police?”
“I already told you,” I said, eyes glistening, “I can’t do this. I realized I don’t love you.”
“You do,” he said quickly, desperately. “You’re just overthinking things again, love.”
“No, I’m not,” I lied, and it ripped something inside me to say it. “I’ve had time to think. Time away from you. And I realized it was just sex. I wanted you for the sex. The sex is amazing. I was in love with the dick, not you.”
“That’s not true,” he told me, eyes locked on mine, like he could pull the truth from my soul.
“It is true,” I insisted, even as my heart cried out that it wasn’t. “Being away from you, I was able to clear my head and take a long look at my life. The future I want doesn’t include you.”
“Then why are there tears spilling down your cheeks?” he asked softly, reaching toward my face.
I wiped them away quickly. “Because I feel horrible for leading you on, for making you think I was in love. I’m sorry, Julian. I’m sorry I can’t be the woman you need me to be.”
“You’re exactly what I need,” he whispered.
“But you’re not what I need,” I whispered back.
I watched his heart break. Watched it collapse in his eyes as he took another step back, like he couldn’t breathe.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. “Please let me go, Julian. Forget about me.”
“Never,” he whispered. “But I will leave because I don’t want your daughter to overhear us. I’ll leave because I know you wouldn’t want her to see us like this. But I’m not letting you go.”
“You are,” I said quietly.
“I’m not. I can’t.”
“You have no choice,” I told him. “Please move your stuff out of my house. I won’t come home until I see on my cameras that you’ve moved out. Leave the key on the counter. I’ll use the keypad to get in and...”
“Why are you doing this?” he asked, broken. “Are you trying to destroy me?”
A sob escaped before I could stop it. “I’m going inside now. Be moved out by tonight, Julian. And don’t come by here or my house again.”
“Stefanie. Stefanie!”
I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. I went back into the house, closed the door behind me, and the second the lock clicked, I collapsed. Ronnie was at my side in seconds, kneeling next to me on the floor.
His arms wrapped around me as I shook, sobs wracking my body. Outside, Julian banged on the door, calling my name. Each knock sent a jolt of pain through my heart, through my soul.
“You didn’t have to end things with him, Stef,” Ronnie whispered, rubbing my back.
“I did, Ron,” I sobbed. “I did. The day I decided to take India home, I made the decision to put her first. I can’t change my mind about that just because I’ve finally found love. That wouldn’t be fair to her.”
“Putting her first doesn’t mean giving in to her all the time, Stef. You can put her first and put yourself first.”
I shook my head, unable to speak past the sobs. I’d made my choice. I’d broken the heart of a man who loved me with everything he had. And as much as it burned through my soul, maybe this was what I deserved
Maybe love wasn’t something I was meant to have. I’d done horrible things in my past. My skeletons followed me wherever I went. I deserved to be punished for taking two lives. Just because I felt justified doesn’t make it right.
But Julian... he didn’t deserve this pain. That man had only ever treated me like a treasure. He’d taken the time to understand me. He’d treated me like I was his world. And all he got in return was heartache and lies.
I’d destroyed the one man who had loved me without condition. I deserved his hatred. I deserved his wrath. I deserved this unspeakable pain I was feeling. And I’d bear it all as long as my daughter was happy.