Chapter 9
“Wherein the truth is hard to hear, and harder still to act upon.”
If Jeffries was troubled further by his demeanour when he returned, he didn’t remark on it as Sebastian flung Azor’s reins at him and stalked into the castle without a word. He was less lucky with Beau.
Entering the book room, he’d hoped at this hour his friend would be dressing for dinner and he could help himself to a drink and try to calm his temper.
His nerves seemed all too close to his skin, the slightest drag of fabric over his flesh tormenting him with memories of repressed desire.
He was wound too tight, his body aching with the need for Georgiana, her body and heart both, and his own heart was raw at the idea neither could ever be his.
Sebastian had to get away. He knew it. For both their sakes, before he dragged them into disaster.
For while he could walk away from a scandal with no outward sign of hurt if he ruined her, he knew he would never forgive himself.
The stain of it would taint his heart and soul for the rest of his days.
So, finding Beau’s speculative gaze weighing him up the moment he stepped through the door was not something to make him feel any easier in his skin.
“Well, well, the wanderer returns,” he drawled, raising a crystal glass to his lips and sipping, his eyes never leaving his friend.
“Beau,” Sebastian nodded a greeting and went to pour a large measure of his own. He downed it in one large swallow, savouring the burn for a moment before pouring another.
“You look like you needed that,” Beau said. Sebastian threw him a warning glance and found he was being watched intently, those cool, blue eyes assessing. “She must be quite something to have you in such a lather,” he added, swirling the amber liquid in his glass with a bored air.
“I’m going to dress,” Sebastian said, turning, drink in hand. He didn’t reply to his friend’s observations. There was nothing to be gained by it.
“Not so fast, Sindalton.”
He paused, Beau rarely used his title, and though he wanted to avoid the coming discussion, he could hardly slam the door in his face when he clearly had something to say.
“What?” he demanded, not bothering to hide the annoyance.
“What the devil are you playing at, man?” Beau gave him a hard look as he got to his feet and went to stand beside the vast stone fireplace.
“You’ve got enough ladybirds here to satisfy any man .
.. even me for God’s sake! And yet you’re careering all over the countryside from morning till night like some lovesick mooncalf. What the blazes has gotten into you?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Beau,” he snapped, turning away and taking a large swallow of his drink. He walked to the window and stared outside, the night was drawing in and the room seemed cold despite the fire that blazed in the hearth.
“Don’t you Beau me,” his friend continued, clearly unimpressed by his denial. “I know you too well. And I know that I’ve never seen that look of desperation in your eyes before. You’ve gone and fallen for some unsuitable piece, haven’t you? Haven’t you?” he demanded.
Sebastian swung back around, fighting the desire to clench his fists. “Mind your own damned business!”
“Good God I knew it!” Beau ran a hand through his thick blond hair and looked at him in exasperation.
“Tell me she’s a widow or some such?” he said, and Sebastian was jolted by the real concern in his eyes.
“Tell me she’s not going to cause you trouble because if you think I’m accompanying you to Scotland for the duration you’ve got another thing coming I assure you!
” Despite his acid tongue Sebastian heard the agitation behind his friend’s words.
Sebastian snorted in disgust and shook his head.
“She’ll cause me no trouble I promise you, and there is no scandal,” he said, hoping this at least would reassure him.
Though he’d come close enough to playing the fool today.
“We leave next week in any case,” he added, wishing those words hadn’t sounded quite so dejected.
“No.” Beau shook his head, a determined gleam in the blue. “We leave Friday. That gives you one day to say your broken-hearted goodbyes and consign her to the past where she belongs.”
“Dammit, Beau!” he exploded in fury, grasping the glass in his hand so tight it was a wonder it didn’t shatter. “You are not my father. I don’t need or want your help in this.”
Beau stalked towards him and poked him in the chest with one elegant, manicured finger. “Well, that’s a pity because you have it. I’ll not see you tangle yourself in a dreadful scandal because some chit has discovered she’s snared a duke.”
“She’s not like that!” Sebastian roared, truly furious by now and realising he’d said too much, but Beau merely snorted.
“They never are, until they are,” he replied with a cynical sneer twisting his handsome face.
“She’s not, Beau. I swear it. She’s sweet and innocent and .
.. I’m a damned bastard.” Sebastian shook his head, suddenly exhausted.
He didn’t want to fight, he wanted to talk about her.
To explain to Beau just how wonderful she was, how she didn’t look at him and see money or a title but teased him and put him in his place.
He wanted to tell him that he’d never felt like this before, but he didn’t dare.
Swallowing the rest of his drink, he headed back to the decanter to pour another.
Despite his reputation he didn’t like to drink until he felt out of control and liked the aftermath even less.
But tonight, he wanted to lose himself in it, so that he might drown the ache of desire and sorrow that had taken root in his bones.
He turned back to Beau and shook his head in despair. “I’d marry her if I could.”
Beau gaped at him. “You bloody fool. What have you been playing at?”
He laughed and flung himself down in the chair Beau had recently vacated. “Damned if I know,” he replied, his tone bitter.
“Is she married?”
He looked up and met Beau’s eyes, knowing he must indeed think him a fool.
Cold hearted and sophisticated, no one had ever touched his friend’s cynical heart, nor would they.
Sebastian would think he didn’t have one if not for his rather arbitrary acts of selfless generosity that would come out of the blue from time to time.
He’d been a good friend to Sebastian, if one he still didn’t fully understand.
“No,” he said, his voice weary. “Not married, but her parents are dead, and her uncle is her guardian. He’s the local doctor,” he added with a wry smile. “And of course, she has no fortune to compensate for her lack of breeding.”
“Oh, Sebastian.” This was said on a groan of despair as Beau sought the chair next to him and stared at him with a pitying expression.
“I’m sorry, old friend. Are you terribly disillusioned in me?” he said, mockery in his eyes.
“I should be,” Beau replied, shaking his head in disgust. “After the pains I have taken with your education. But I knew at heart you would not attain the heights of villainy I have gained. Your heart is still intact despite everything, and it’s this troublesome organ that will lead you into far more misery than any other part of your anatomy I assure you. ”
Sebastian chuckled, acknowledging the truth of it, though he turned his gaze on Beau with a grin. “Then you’d best have a care, for I’m not quite certain you are as heartless as you make out.”
“Oh, do be quiet,” Beau replied with a tut and a wave of his hand. “You’ve never seen me weep over a woman and you never will.”
“I don’t remember weeping yet,” Sebastian said, his tone droll, though if he hoped to fool Beau, he was far from the mark.
“No, but you’ve not endured your tender farewell yet have you?”
Sebastian scowled at him.
“For God’s sake get it over with,” Beau urged him, leaning forward in his chair.
“We’ll go back to London and busy ourselves in something sordid until you’ve forgotten all about her.
You can’t marry her. If you want to have her before you leave, then so be it but get on with it and then turn away. There is nothing else to be done.”
His hand clenched around the crystal glass once more, his jaw clenched so tight it hurt. Forcing himself to relax he stared back at Beau. “How do you know I haven’t had her already?” he said with a sneer.
Beau got to his feet and bestowed on him a shrewd glance.
“Because I know you and your principles probably better than you do. Seducing a girl set on seducing you for your title is fair game, but this one ... She’s got under your skin, and you care for her.
No,” he said, with a mocking laugh. “If you’d had her there would be guilt in your eyes rather than the self-righteous gleam of a broken-hearted lover.
” He turned and walked away, pausing at the door.
“Do what you will, Sebastian, it’s all one to me.
But say goodbye to her. No matter if I advise it or not, you know you must.”
Sebastian watched as the door closed behind him and had to hold back on the urge to fling his glass at the shut door in a fit of temper.
He wanted to rage and sulk like some sullen young man in the clutches of his first love affair.
It’s not fair. The words raged in his mind with just as much impotence as they had when he’d been told his father was dead, drowned at sea when his ship went down.
Both him and his beautiful lover lost in a raging ocean as they ran from the duel during which he’d shot her husband dead.
Now there was a scandal to set tongues wagging.
Nothing he could ever do could surpass that at least.
But now he had to try to restore some of the tainted gilt to the family honour.
He had to marry a bride whose lineage was impeccable.
A woman whose manners and breeding would return the shine to their sullied name.
Perhaps then, by the time his heir was of age, the name Sindalton would stand for something other than murder and adultery.
He got to his feet and poured another drink.
Dammit if he wasn’t the biggest fool alive.
But tomorrow he would do as he must. Not because Beau had told him to, far from it.
Only because it was the right thing to do.
If he stayed any longer, he would take from her more than he already had and perhaps leave her with an illegitimate child to compound his villainy.
And Beau was right in that at least, he wasn’t bastard enough to scale those heights.
He tried to think of something he could do for her, something that would leave her with a tender place in her heart for him, no matter how the years passed for them both.
In the end he decided to head into Truro in the morning.
He would find something, small and discreet, something that wouldn’t give her away and make her blush.
And then he would walk away, and he’d leave her behind.