Chapter 10
“Wherein two lovers part.”
Georgiana sat on her bed and wondered at the way love could change a person.
She had always thought love a gentle and sweet emotion, something to be sought out and cherished once found.
In her aunt and uncle, she had only seen the best of it.
Theirs was the happiest of unions, between two people of like minds.
But what had it been like for them in the early days, she wondered now?
When Aunt Jane’s parents had issued their warnings, that if she chose Joseph Bomford, she would be dead to them, cut from their history as if she’d never been.
It had never crossed her mind to wonder before, what kind of love could have made her give everything up she’d ever known for a man her family deemed was beneath their association.
But this wasn’t her choice to make. Only Beau could choose to ignore his family’s wishes and she knew he could not.
No matter if he wanted to. He needed money, she knew it, and even if he had it, she was so far below him in status that it would be talked about.
People would stare at her and gossip and wonder how she trapped him into it.
She wondered if love could survive such trials.
Hers could have.
She had always considered herself a sensible woman, not the kind to swoon and fall into hysterics.
No Cheltenham tragedies were acted in this house, her uncle would say with pride.
The idea of what he would say if he ever discovered .
.. the look in Aunt Jane’s eyes if she knew the liberties she had allowed him to take . ..
Her face burned and she buried her head in her hands in shame.
Perhaps there was bad blood in her. For what kind of nice young lady would writhe and moan and allow a man who had no intention of marrying her to touch her in such an intimate fashion?
What nature of an innocent young woman would spend all night lying awake, her skin burning with desire and with the desperate need for him to touch her that way again.
Georgiana took a breath and forced herself to her feet.
It was time to go and meet him. She prayed that he would tell her he was leaving and in the same breath prayed that he would not.
Though if he didn’t end it, she knew somehow, she must. Georgiana must find the strength to say goodbye.
She was enmeshed, but she must find her way clear so that nothing could hurt her family.
For she would not repay every kindness bestowed upon her by her aunt and uncle by bringing scandal to their door. Even if it broke her heart to do it.
She took a moment to check her hair, and pinch her cheeks, aware that she was looking dreadfully pale. She had felt guilt squeeze her heart just that morning as Mary had enquired if she was feeling quite well and offered to make her a posset to bring some brightness back to her eyes.
Putting such uncomfortable thoughts aside, she tied on her bonnet, and smoothed out the pale green sarsnet of her walking dress before doing up her pelisse. With the lie coming all too easily to her tongue she told Aunt Jane she was taking Conrad for his afternoon walk and headed out of the house.
It took little more than half an hour to reach their secluded little corner of the world. A place where impossible dreams had tried to make her believe in an unlikely future. Though at least she was not quite so foolish and green as to have fallen for them.
As ever, he was waiting for her and she took a moment to admire the width of those impressive shoulders, the sheer size of him in that impeccably tailored superfine jacket.
If ever she had been able to stand beside him in company, with her head up, instead of snatching clandestine meetings, she would have been so very proud.
That was not her affair, she reminded herself, though the pain welled in her throat. That was for his future, and she ...
She was merely a small chapter in his past.
Taking a deep breath, she tried to put a smile on her face, and walked forward.
She was rewarded at least by the look in his eyes, by the way he jumped down from the rock he’d been sitting on and ran to her. Folding her in his arms and kissing her like he would never let her go, even though they both knew it was a lie.
“I was afraid you wouldn’t come,” he said, his big hands cradling her face.
She laughed and shook her head. “Don’t be foolish, Beau,” she said with that teasing note he seemed to enjoy. “You never doubted it for a moment. You know I really shouldn’t have done, I can’t help but think the set down would do you good.”
He shook his head and her heart was gratified to see the misery in his eyes matched hers. At least it wasn’t her alone who felt the pain of his leaving. That would have been hard indeed.
“A set down,” he repeated, his dark eyes reproachful. “Is that all you think it would be for me?”
“Beau,” she began, wishing he wouldn’t make it so hard for them both. If perhaps they played their parts, if perhaps they teased and smiled and put on a brave face, they would survive this. At least then she might be able walk away without breaking down and begging him not to leave her.
“Don’t you understand how this hurts?” he demanded, grasping hold of her shoulders, his fingers bruising he held her so hard. “Don’t you feel it too?”
Anger flared then, anger at the injustice of it.
“Do you think I don’t?” she flung back at him, tears pricking at her eyes.
“Do you think I don’t want to beg you to stay and marry me?
To forget the fortune you need, to forget your duty to your title and your family and whatever other obligations would come before my happiness, of which I don’t doubt there are many!
” She paused, staring at him with her heart full of pain and holding hard to her dignity.
“It’s you who are leaving me, Beau. Not the other way around.
But there is nothing I can do to make you stay.
Nothing I can offer you of enough value besides my heart and you have that.
So do not stand there and accuse me of being cold or indifferent to your feelings when I try to make it easier for you to leave me. ”
She saw her words register and his eyes closed as he acknowledged the truth of them.
“Forgive me,” he said, his voice bleak.
Georgiana smiled at that despite herself.
“Again? Well, why not once more, to add to all the forgiveness you have had already.” She hadn’t meant the words to have such a bitter edge.
Stepping closer she put her hands on his chest to show she wasn’t angry with him, not really.
He looked down at her, his dark eyes full of pain and any anger she might have had fled in the light of that unhappiness.
“There is nothing you can do, nothing I can do,” she whispered.
“I knew you would leave me today. I--I half hoped you would, even though it breaks my heart because ... because there is too much at risk now. We both know it.”
He nodded and pulled her closer, enfolding her in his arms and pushing her bonnet back to bury his face in her hair.
“I know,” he said, his voice desperate. “If I stay, I will not be able to leave you be. You tempt me in ways I have no strength to fight against and I dare not allow it. I am too weak to be close to you and not have you and I cannot use you so ill as that, despite everything I have done already. I care for you too much for that, at least.” He gave a snort of derision.
“Hark at me and my noble sentiments. I would have taken you yesterday if you had given an inch and we both know it.”
She reached up a finger to his lips and shook her head.
“Don’t. Please don’t. For there is a part of me that will always regret not giving myself to you and damn the consequences, but it is not just myself I must think of.
I have been given so much by my family, I cannot repay them by courting such disgrace as this, no matter if my heart would do so willingly. ”
“Oh, God, Georgiana.”
He kissed her then, a kiss that seared her soul and left her dizzy with longing, delirious with the need for more.
As though he taunted her with everything she could never have, he kissed her like she was everything he had ever wanted and needed, until she wanted to cry out with the pain the loss of him would bring her.
He released her mouth but held her tightly still as she trembled with desire and emotion, enclosed in his arms.
They stood together, neither of them willing or able to say a word for a moment.
“I have something for you,” he said in the end, and she looked up as he reached into a pocket and withdrew a small box.
“It ... it isn’t much,” he added, sounding apologetic.
“You must believe me when I tell you I wanted to buy you diamonds and sapphires but ... but they would only have brought you trouble if they’d been discovered. ”
She smiled at him, knowing he spoke the truth and beyond touched that he had thought so carefully about a gift for her. He opened the box to reveal a delicate gold chain, and suspended on it, a small gold heart.
“Just to remind you, if you should ever be in any doubt ... that you have my heart, Georgiana.”
She touched her finger to the heart and blinked away tears.
“Thank you,” she managed, though her voice was thick.
“I will keep it always.” She took the chain from the box and slipped it into her reticule.
“I will have to invent a kindly old lady who will bequeath it to me, won’t I?
” she said, trying to joke though it seemed very far from funny.
“I would ask something in return,” he said, reaching out and curling a lock of her hair around his fingers.
“Of course!” she said, wishing she had thought of it herself. “B-but I have no scissors, nothing to ...”
“I came prepared,” he said, smiling at her as he brushed her lips with his own and snipped off one thick curl. He held it to his mouth and kissed it, before putting it carefully in the box her necklace had come in. “I will carry it with me always.”
“Oh, don’t promise that,” she pleaded, shaking her head. “For your wife will discover it one day and then how should she feel? No, it is too cruel.”
“And you are too good!” he shouted, pulling her close again. “Dammit, why should you care for her, whoever she may be. I know damned well I shan’t.”
“Don’t, Beau, don’t please,” she pleaded. “Kiss me again and then let me go, for if you don’t, I have the strangest feeling that everything will turn sour. Please, my love.”
“And what will you do?” he demanded, his tone once again cruel and desperate with pain. “When I am gone what will you do then?”
She looked up at him and this time she was powerless to stop the tears that ran down her face with abandon.
“Today?” she asked, her voice choking on a sob.
“Today I will go home and tell them I am unwell as they all believed this morning, when I was so quiet and drab. And they will put me to bed and the moment they close the door I will cry and cry until there are no tears left in the world I haven’t shed.
” She laughed then, feeling really quite beyond her own sanity, as though she would run mad in her desperate sorrow.
“You see I have the advantage of you in this at least,” she said, smoothing her hands over his lapels with care.
“I am only a woman after all, a weak creature governed by her emotions and fanciful whims. So, if I take to my bed and cry no one will think too very much of it, other than perhaps that I am a little low in spirit.
But you, darling Beau, you must be brave and swallow it down and pretend that there is nothing you care for, that nothing has ever touched your heart, nor ever will. And I promise not to embarrass you by throwing myself into the sea on your account or something equally sordid.”
She tried to smile at him at that but could do nothing now but cry, and buried her face in his neck, sobbing and clinging to him as hard as she could.
It took a great effort to stop herself, and it was only the thought that his last memory of her shouldn’t be of a red eyed, desperate creature that made her take a breath and steady herself again.
He was silent, but his hold on her was enough to speak for him, as was the aching sadness in his eyes. “Kiss me goodbye then, my own handsome scoundrel.”
For a moment she thought he wouldn’t but then his lips found hers in a tender kiss, full of longing and desire, and everything they both knew they could never have.
He caught her face in his hands, his expression fierce. “I will never forget you, Georgiana. I promise you.”
“Nor I, Beau,” she promised in return, kissing his cheek and somehow finding the strength to move out of his arms.
She was so numb she didn’t even call to Conrad who caught up with her farther down the lane with a bark of reproach.
There was nothing that seemed real now, nothing that seemed to exist outside of this fresh, exquisite pain that tore at her from the inside and promised that she would never be happy again.
So it was that she found her way home and did just as she’d told him she would.
And while Aunt Jane instructed the maids to bring a hot brick for her feet and hartshorn and water, Georgiana cried and cried until there were no tears left at all.