Chapter 11 #2
“Not here,” I growled, pulling him after me. When we reached the janitor’s closet, I pushed him inside. As soon as I did it, I regretted it, because the small room with only us in it was a bad idea.
“What the fuck do you want?” I hissed, pushing away the brooms that were poking me in the back. “Why have you been hounding me since the moment I came here?”
Jordan raised his chin in defiance. “I want to talk.”
“About what?”
His blush deepened. “About what happened.”
“Nothing happened,” I said, which was part of my prepared speech. “At least nothing worth discussing.”
“I have a hickey that suggests otherwise,” Jordan said, his eyes flashing dangerously.
Shit, now I could see it too—a purple bruise above his collar, the size and the color of a plum. The sight gave me too much pleasure, so I looked away.
“I have nothing to say on the subject,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and sticking to my story.
“I have just one question,” Jordan said, his eyes never leaving me. “Did you like it?”
Fuck. It was the one question I didn’t expect, and he had to ask it. Also, that little shit was turning sassy, and I wasn’t entirely sure I disliked it.
“I came,” I bit out. “What’s not to like?”
“Do you want to do it again?”
I snorted. “No! Are you insane?”
“Why not?”
Why wasn’t he backing off? I knew the answer to that because I could see something in his eyes that I’d never seen there before. It looked like a second cousin to hope, and it frightened me.
“Because I’m not into shit like that,” I growled, turning to leave, when Jordan stood in my way.
“Because I’m a man?”
“No!”
“Because you’re afraid?”
“I’m not afraid of anything,” I said through my teeth.
“Why then?”
“Because it’s fucking you!” I bellowed, unable to control myself. “Because you… you… You disgust me.”
He flinched, paling. I wanted to hurt him, but after I did, I wished I could hurt myself, too.
It took him a few moments to reply. “You’re lying.”
“I’m not.”
“Yeah, you are,” Jordan insisted. “Because if you were disgusted by me, you wouldn’t have said it. In fact, you know what I think? I think you like me.”
I burst into laughter. “God, you’re delusional.”
He took a step toward me. “Am I?”
A smile dropped from my face. “What are you doing?”
The anger in his eyes turned into something fiercer and hotter.
“Proving my point.”
“Which is?”
“This,” he said, placing his hand on my crotch and making me realize that during our little chat, I got hard.
I slapped his hand away, angry with both him and my dick.
“So what?” I said, faking a laugh. “I need to get laid. I just imagined wiping the floor with your face. Take your pick. Big deal.”
“I want you,” Jordan stated, making me gulp. “I always did. And you know what? It feels great to say it. It feels like freedom.”
“Good for you,” I said, glancing at the door because I needed to get out of there. “If you’re done sharing, can we go now?”
“I like you as well, you know?” Jordan continued, as if he wanted me to hurt him.
“More than I should. More than you deserve. More than what is sane, reasonable, respectable, or healthy. I liked you from the first moment I saw you, and I never stopped liking you. I like you despite every nasty thing you said to me and every laugh at my expense. I like you for every birthday card you left on my desk, no matter how mean your note was, because you never forgot my birthday. I like you for every punch you threw on my account, for every nose you broke to avenge me, and for every time you protected me. You can push me away as much as you want, but I will always like you, and there’s nothing you can do to change that, Adam. ”
I didn’t know how I found the ability to speak because every word he said felt like a brick hitting my head.
“Thank you, Jordan,” I mocked him. “The feeling is not reciprocated. Now get out of my way.”
“I like you.”
“Stop saying that!”
“What?” Jordan said, looking unperturbed. “That I like you?
I pointed a finger at him. “I’m warning you.”
He shrugged. “Well, it’s the truth. And you like me too. You may pretend that you don’t, but you do.”
“No. I. Don’t.”
Jordan smirked. “Oh, really? How about that one time when you got into a fight with Thorsen because you thought he was hitting on me? Or when you got drunk at my party and fell asleep in my bed? You were hugging me the entire night, and you had an erection, but I never said a word because I didn’t want to embarrass you.
You keep touching me, and pretend it’s accidental.
You watch me all the time. You sniff at me all the time.
I mean, come on. You can’t be so delusional that you don’t realize how ridiculously you’re acting toward me?
Everyone sees it, too, by the way. Everyone in the LD sees it and finds it hilarious, but no one dares say it to you except that psycho Maddox.
Luz said it a million times, and I didn’t believe him, but after last night—”
I burst into laughter. “After last night? And what do you think happened last night, you delusional little shit? I fucking paid you. I paid you as you pay a prostitute for her services. I suffered through the talky-talk and gave in to your stupid whims because I was sleep-deprived and on the verge of losing my sanity. You, on the other hand, took advantage of me. You did it in prison when you kissed me and started this depraved shitshow. Then you did it again last night when you made a sick man pay you for a good night’s rest, when you could have given it for free.
You’re the human equivalent of a fucking Ambien to me, you moron!
It’s the only reason I came to your place, and I paid for the privilege.
Hell, maybe I even paid for that handy, too. ”
As soon as those words left my mouth, I felt bile rising in my throat.
I hated every inch of my depraved being for every word I’d said, but the damage had been done.
Jordan Slade looked crushed—defeated, disappointed, shocked, but most of all, hurt.
He looked so fucking hurt that I wanted to slam my fist into a wall to hurt myself back.
“Who are you?” he whispered, looking at me as if I’d just landed there from the planet Mars.
I smiled bitterly. “You know exactly who I am, Jordan. I’m the biggest asshole you will ever know, and now you will never forget it.”
Jordan
It serves you right.
Those words were stuck in my head long after my conversation with Adam had ended, and he left the station without a word. After my shift ended, I went home, showered, and since then, I have been lying in bed and staring at the ceiling.
It serves you right.
I blinked the tears out of my eyes and threw a cushion at the wall, fuming. What was I thinking? What possessed me to open my heart like that and blurt it all out? Those were rhetorical questions because I already knew the answers.
After everything that happened in prison and also last night, I really believed that Adam liked me.
Even when I looked further into the past, the subtle signs were always there.
His overprotectiveness, the proprietary look in his eyes, the constant touching.
Sure, the arguing and the bickering were our thing, but the fact remained—we were inseparable.
Always close to each other, always watching each other, always looking out for each other.
Adam liked me. He just didn’t know it. That was my conclusion, and the reason my day unfolded in the way it had.
It was why I sent him all those texts and got out of bed at dawn, anxious and worried.
It was why I went to the station and spent the morning staring at my phone.
When Adam finally showed up, I was so frustrated that I couldn’t hold my tongue.
I said more than I should have, embarrassed myself, and got heartbroken in the process.
No wonder I ended up lying in my bed and feeling sorry for myself like a loser that I was.
No wonder I kept scrolling through the food apps and ordering more food than I could eat to fill the emptiness inside me, as if it were that simple.
When my phone started ringing, I considered refusing the call, but what would be the point?
Luz The Relentless would only call me again. And again. And again.
“I’m going to kill someone, and it will probably be my wedding planner,” Luz said after I answered. “But before I do that, how are you, Jordie?”
“Hungry,” I replied, opening yet another food app. “Tired. Angry at myself. Take your pick.”
“What happened?”
I didn’t want to tell him what happened. I didn’t want him to tell me, “I told you so.”
“Jordie, talk to me,” Luz said, just when my doorbell rang.
“I think my pancakes arrived,” I murmured, heading to the front door. “Wait.”
The pancakes were golden-brown, fluffy, and drizzled with maple syrup. For some reason, the beautiful sight made me cry.
“Are you there?” Luz screeched, reminding me he was still there.
“Yeah,” I replied, sniffling. “It’s just that I’m not sure if I’m in the mood for something sweet.”
“Okay, now you’re scaring me,” Luz said when my doorbell rang again. “What the hell is going on, Jordie?”
“I’m overindulging,” I replied while taking the pizza from the delivery guy.
“Why?”
“I have the flu,” I lied, faking a cough. “I need to sleep. Or die. Never mind. I’ll take some cough medicine. I’ll be fine.”
“Do you have a fever? Is that why you don’t sound like yourself?”
I opened my mouth to reply when my doorbell rang again.
“Luz, my burgers are here,” I said with a sigh. “I really need to go. Can I call you back?”
“You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on, Jordie.”
“I’m sick, and I’m hungry,” I growled, opening the front door. “What more do you—”
I stopped speaking because the person standing on the doorstep wasn’t the delivery guy. It was the devil.
“No!” I shouted, closing the door, but the pressure from the other side stopped me from doing it.