Chapter 19
Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures
Jordan
The fucker! I’ve had it with him. Lately, I felt as if I had been losing my mind, but now I was just mad.
I guess I’m just not a forgiving man.
Fuck him! I didn’t deserve this. When I came to the LD, I was only doing my job, but he acted as if I’d slaughtered the entire Smitsville and burned it to the ground.
He ignored the fact that I left Internal Affairs ages ago.
He refused to acknowledge that I stayed in the LD only because of him, while he treated me like shit.
I became his sleep token, for fuck’s sake!
And yeah, getting close to him was part of the job, but from the moment I met him, I knew he wasn’t the guy we were looking for.
I could feel it in my gut. He was too angry and not perfidious enough.
Too reckless and not calculating enough.
Too arrogant to be anyone’s puppet and ultimately, ratting out was against his moral code.
I went through all the stages of grief even before they released him from the hospital.
The fear for his health. The anxiety that I felt every time I visited him in the hospital, because he looked either angry or haunted.
The excitement of being alone with him and having the opportunity to beg for his forgiveness.
I had it all planned out. What I hadn’t planned on was the attraction getting in the way.
Even before we set foot in that fucking shower, I could feel it simmering inside me.
It was hidden behind regret and fear, but it was there…
all the time. During those silent, awkward dinners.
During those sleepless nights when I strained to hear his breathing in the other room, to make sure he was okay.
During the time that I spent at work thinking only about him.
And then that fucking erection happened, reminding me of prison.
It was less embarrassing than the first time it occurred, but also harder to deal with, pun intended.
When I saw the corresponding reaction between Adam’s legs, I should have felt better, but in fact, I felt worse.
I still loved him. I still wanted him. I still held hope, despite him behaving as if I had cooties.
Knowing that he still wanted me, if only just physically, gave me a small satisfaction, but it left me hungry.
The more my hunger grew, the stupider I became.
More reckless. Bolder. It started with ogling his naked body when he wasn’t looking.
It continued with staring at his ass when he would pull down his boxers to wash his junk.
It ended with the accidental brushing of body parts against body parts that I was ashamed of, but I couldn’t help myself. It was torture of the highest order.
After a few weeks, it seemed as if we were making progress. We started talking more… hanging out, even. He was teaching me how to cook. It gave me the courage to broach the sensitive subject and ask for his forgiveness, but when I tried to talk to him, what did he do? He walked away.
I guess I’m just not a forgiving man.
No wonder I was losing my mind. No wonder I was angry.
It was when I said, fuck it. If he wanted to play dirty, I could play dirty.
The day after I'd found myself sleeping on his shoulder, I came home from work itching for a fight.
Adam was in the kitchen, cooking something that smelled like meat and cheese.
“Hey,” I said, walking up to him. “What are you making?”
“Lasagna. How was work?”
“Fine,” I replied, kissing him on the cheek. “How are you?”
The spoon he was stirring the sauce with paused approximately at the same time as when my lips landed on his face. But as I said, fuck it.
Adam gave me a once-over. “Are you drunk, high, or do you have a fever?”
I smiled sweetly. “No, I’m just feeling affectionate. By the way, you still owe me that one-minute cuddle.”
“Yeah, that’s not happening. Judas.”
I yawned. “You’re getting boring with that ‘I’m so angy’ shtick. Also, fuck off. I was only doing my job.”
Adam threw the spoon at the wall, glaring at me.
“Don’t talk to me about the job. In fact, don’t talk to me at all!”
I wanted a fight. I got one.
“Why?” I exclaimed, raising my chin in defiance. “Are you afraid that you will say something you’ll regret?”
“You bet I am,” Adam growled. “What do you want? Rehash the subject to death or just until we say to each other every poisonous thing we have boiling inside us?”
I shrugged. “I have nothing to hide.”
Adam snorted. “Nothing to hide. Hilarious.”
“Not anymore, pumpkin,” I deadpanned. “My heart is an open book. You can push me away all that you want, but the fact remains, I love you. I loved you last year, I love you now, and I will love you for Christmas.”
Adam dragged his hand down his face. “What do you want from me?”
I cocked my eyebrow. “Right now? I want us to fuck and eat lasagna.”
“I can’t believe you,” Adam said, sounding incredulous.
“Or did you mean like in the scope of years?” I continued. “In that case, I want you in my life. I want you to believe me when I tell you I meant every word I said. I never pretended to like you, Adam. Never. But since you left me before we could even become boyfriends—”
Adam blinked. “A what?”
“Boyfriends,” I said, smiling sweetly. “I’ll say it again. Boyfriends. Heart. Love. Trust. Do those words ring a bell?”
“You squandered the last one,” Adam said dryly. “Not my fault.”
“What do you want me to do?” I exclaimed, feeling the need to punch him. “I apologized. I begged for your forgiveness. I tried to explain. I did everything short of kneeling… What more can I do?”
“Maybe you should kneel,” Adam mocked me. “You always looked good on your knees.”
Now we were getting somewhere.
“Alright then,” I said, stepping toward him. “I’ll kneel, and I’ll apologize.”
When I reached for his zipper, his eyes widened in alarm.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“I’m doing what we both wanted since you came here,” I deadpanned.
“Remove your hand from my dick,” Adam said through his teeth. “Or I’ll remove it for you.”
“But you’re hard,” I protested, cupping his sack.
“Fuck,” he hissed, looking down at his crotch as if I were hurting him. “Fuck!”
“What’s the matter?” I said, pouting. “Are you too proud to let the man who deceived you blow you, huh? Or are you afraid you will embarrass yourself by coming too soon, because let’s face it…
you probably had one erection too many in the shower.
Or are you afraid to show up with me in the LD because someone might say that little Jordie fucked you over and then fucked you? ”
When his fist hit my face, it wasn’t even a surprise, but it still hurt like the devil. Adam cursed, rubbing his knuckles, as I spat the blood out of my mouth.
“That’s more like it,” I growled, grabbing him by the chin. “For once, we’re both honest.”
Then I kissed him. Then he kissed me back.
It wasn’t even a proper kiss, just a lot of tongue and biting and groans that balanced a fine line between pain and hunger.
Adam tasted like cherry tomatoes, and I tasted like blood, but at least both our teeth were painted red when we broke the kiss, panting.
“Don’t ever touch me again,” Adam growled, pushing me away. “You ruined my life.”
“It was already ruined when you met me,” I stated. “I improved it. You’re welcome.”
“If you think that I need you, you’re dead wrong, princess,” he sneered. “I’ll take Ambien instead. Problem solved.”
I snorted. “You wish it were that easy.”
“I should never have let you into my life. Never!”
“Yeah, you should have checked with your psychic friend first,” I mocked him. “Let her look into the crystal ball and throw a few spells that would thaw that frozen heart of yours.”
“My heart is not frozen!” Adam yelled, sending the plate to the floor. “My heart is fucking broken!”
I blinked the tears out of my eyes as he limped out of the room, and that was that.
A fucking disaster. He returned later to finish the lasagna, while I scraped the sauce off the wall and cleaned up the mess we’d made.
What ensued was another dinner filled with awkward silence, but the lasagna was to die for.
A smarter man would stop there, but apparently, I wasn’t that smart or easily discouraged.
Hell, I was an Aries, which meant I was stubborn like a bull.
It was why that same night I dialed a number, needing urgent help.
“Verna’s Psychic Retreat, Verna speaking.” The soothing female voice could be heard after the first ring. “What’s troubling your soul, traveler?”
“Things are not going well,” I said, rubbing my forehead. “Please help me.”
Verna bit into what sounded like a carrot. “I know. I read your cards. Man, you’re in trouble.”
“Don’t I know it?”
She giggled. “I’m kidding. Health-wise, you could be better, but it’s because you fret too much. By the way, I compared your birth chart to Adam’s. You two are meant to be together, hun.”
“Can you please tell him that? He thinks I’m a spawn of Satan.”
“You’re tiptoeing around him. That’s your problem. Adam is a direct man. That’s how you should talk to him.”
“I did,” I grumbled. “He almost broke my tooth.”
“You need a diversion, Jordan.”
“What kind of diversion?”
“I’m not sure. Something that will knock his socks off. Something he needs but he doesn’t know it.”
Her words got me thinking. When I came up with an idea, I smiled.
I wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but I was running out of good ideas.
It was time to take a chance, so the following day, I picked up a potential solution to my problem and brought it home.
When I came in, Adam was in the kitchen, or so the mouthwatering scent drifting through the air told me.
“Honey, I’m home,” I bellowed, smiling when I heard him curse. “What are you making?”
He remained silent, to no surprise, since he had been giving me the silent treatment since yesterday.
“It smells like carbonara,” I chirped, walking up to him and peeking into the pot. “Oh, it is carbonara. That’s awesome, because Milo adores carbonara.”
Adam looked at me with a frown. “Who the fuck is Milo?”
“Oh, right, I haven’t introduced you two yet,” I said, heading to the hallway. I opened the door to a pet carrier, and as soon as I did it, a furry creature ran out. A few moments later, I heard Adam’s alarmed shout. “Jesus H. Christ! What the fuck is that?”
“Milo is a pomeranian,” I explained, walking into the kitchen. “Milo, the pomeranian, meet Adam, the asshole.”
“Get that thing off me,” Adam growled, trying to get rid of Milo, who was humping his leg.
I smiled because what could I say? We had the same taste.
“They found him wandering the Palisades,” I said, pouring myself a glass of water. “Someone left him on the streets to die. When I realized Milo was looking for a new home, I saw it as a sign.”
“A sign of what?” Adam bit out. “Your growing lunacy? Get rid of that thing.”
I blinked. “Why should I? I don’t have anyone in this world. You don’t want me, and I refuse to grow old, bitter, and alone. Milo will keep me company. Besides, he reminds me of you.”
“I don’t give a fuck. I don’t want him here.”
“If I may remind you, this is my apartment. You can leave if you want…” I paused, smiling sweetly. “Oh, right! You can’t leave! You need me to walk, to sleep, and probably to jerk off, so… yeah, Milo stays.”
Adam made a painful grimace, looking at the dog that was running around the room as if he were possessed. “Did you feed him at least?”
“I have no idea what dogs eat,” I said with a shrug. “You feed him. I have to go back to work. Speaking of…” I hesitated, not knowing how to deliver that particular piece of news. “They found Skull Crusher.”
“Dead?” Adam guessed correctly, reading my expression.
I nodded. “His body washed up on the shore a mile south of the harbor. He was shot in the head, the same as Santiago and his lawyer, which means Bull is covering his tracks. No honor amongst thieves and whatnot, but I’m glad that ugly son of a bitch is dead.”
Adam nodded, gazing into the distance. His face was impassive, and I couldn’t tell how he felt about it. Was he relieved? Angry? Glad?
“Unrelated to this,” I added, tucking my hands into my pockets. “I heard from someone in Grangetown that Bianchi is in trouble.”
“What kind of trouble?”
“Apparently, the cops over there found coke in his apartment. It was an anonymous tip.”
Adam laughed. “No fucking way! Marcello would never touch that shit. That man is incorruptible.”
“I agree. That’s why I think someone planted it, and by someone, I mean—”
“Mendoza,” Adam finished instead of me. “That demented psycho lost his marbles.”
“Anyway, I’m off,” I said, heading toward the door. “My point being… There are bigger problems in this world than feeding a small dog.”