Chapter 16 – Barren Wench
Friday
A few weeks ago, I’d been worried Jacob would break up with me. But he said he wouldn’t. Not in a million years. Those were his exact words.
I guess I’d aged a million years in three weeks. And I felt like I had. My dad let me stay home all week. But it was time to face reality again.
I walked into school wearing my normal fall jacket. I was carrying Jacob’s jacket and a few more of his things. He hadn’t texted me at all since we’d broken up. Which I guess made sense. It still stung for some reason though.
We’d always been friends. But we didn’t hang out all the time. Or text constantly. It would go back to that, I guess. Eventually. But it didn’t feel like Jacob was my friend right now. It felt like he was my ex.
I grabbed a few books from my locker.
“Hey,” Sophie said. “You ready for this?”
She’d been over to my house to visit after school a few times. And she’d helped me get up the courage to do this.
“I’m ready.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
I shook my head. “It’s fine.” My voice sounded monotone and strange. I was having trouble sleeping. And eating. My mom swore I’d be myself again soon. But soon felt really far away right now.
The hardest thing was that I agreed with everything Jacob had said.
I was an unconfident liar. I’d been a terrible girlfriend.
I wished I could go back and not lie. Go back and do everything differently so that I’d still be wearing his jacket instead of holding it.
But Jacob had made it pretty clear that he wasn’t interested in me anymore.
He’d almost made it seem like he never really was.
He’d probably just asked me out because I was an unconfident loser that he pitied. He hated me. And I still loved him.
“Stop it,” Sophie said like she could read my thoughts. “You’re doing that thing where you zone off and I know what you’re thinking about. Just...stop. You’re not in the wrong here, Jacob is. He never should have broken up with you in the middle of the school like that. He’s such an asshole.”
“It’s fine,” I said. My voice still sounded weird.
“It’s not fine. He’s at least supposed to be your friend.” She slammed her locker closed. “I can’t believe I was ever Team Jacob.”
She actually made me smile.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” she asked.
I shook my head. I didn’t want Jacob to think I wasn’t at least confident enough to do this myself. “No, I’ve got this. See you in class.” I held my books tight in one hand as I walked over to Jacob at his locker. Axel and him were laughing about something.
I wasn’t sure what could possibly be that funny. I was slowly dying and Jacob was acting like he didn’t have a care in the world.
My heart was pounding in my ribcage as I stopped right in front of him. Well, behind him. His back was turned to me while he was talking to Axel.
I cleared my throat.
Jacob closed his locker and turned around to look down at me. “Hey, what’s up?”
What’s up? Really? That’s all he had to say to me?
I could feel Axel just staring at us, and I didn’t care if he watched this.
I just wanted it over with. “Here.” I handed Jacob the t-shirt I’d borrowed from him after one of the times we’d practiced third.
It was easy to realize why he’d broken up with me the more I thought about it.
I was a walking disaster. And he was...Jacob.
I lifted up his varsity jacket. “And you’re going to need to this back.” For whoever he dated next. Someone confident. Someone not like me. I handed it to him. “I’m sorry that I was a bad girlfriend.”
Jacob shook his head. “You weren’t a bad girlfriend, Scarlett.”
We both knew that was a lie. If I was a good girlfriend, we’d still be dating. “I was. And I am sorry. About all of it. I’m really, really sorry, Jacob.” I felt my bottom lip start to tremble. I bit the inside of my lip to make it stop.
Jacob nodded and looked down at his jacket, like he didn’t want it back.
I held my breath and wished that he’d change his mind.
That’s what I really wanted. To still be his.
Part of me just wanted to close the distance between us and hug him and beg him to forgive me.
But Jacob wanted a confident girlfriend.
And doing that kind of proved his point that I wasn’t that.
Sophie already had to confiscate my phone a few times this week because I’d been tempted to send Jacob “forgive me” soup. Which Sophie said wasn’t a thing.
Jacob stared down at his jacket for a another second.
Please forgive me. Please. I love you.
But then he pulled his varsity jacket on, like he was eager to have it back after all. Maybe he was. I’d been holding on to it all week. But the thought of him giving it to someone new made me feel sick to my stomach.
“Your star is in the pocket,” I said. “And the bracelet Chloe made for me.” I couldn’t look at either without crying.
Jacob reached into his pocket and pulled the glow in the dark star out. “You can keep this, Scarlett. It was a gift.”
I felt tears welling in my eyes again. “I don’t want it.” It was a lie. I did want it. I liked looking at it. It made me feel not so alone. I’d been staring at it all week instead of sleeping. But if I cried any more, I was worried I’d drown in my tears.
“Really. I want you to have it.” He held it out for me. He looked so sincere about wanting me to take it back.
It was really tempting to take it. But it was important to him.
And I wasn’t. So it didn’t make sense for me to keep it.
I shook my head and I got a whiff of that freshly cut grass smell he always had.
I took a step back. I didn’t want to smell him.
I was worried it would make me cry. “Thanks, but that’s okay. See you in coding, I guess.”
“What about lunch?”
“I’m eating with my dad.” I’d already made him promise. I didn’t want to be in the cafeteria sitting where I always sat next to Jacob. It would feel like we were still dating even though it was so painfully obvious that he didn’t reciprocate my feelings.
I stared at him. He’d told me it had always been real. But maybe he was the liar. Because if it was real, why wasn’t he hurting too? Why was he just laughing with Axel? How could he just suddenly not care about me at all?
I stared up at him. Normally he’d been leaning down to hug me. Kiss me. Twirl me around the hall.
I clutched my books in my hands. My hands that were used to holding his.
“Are you coming to the party tonight?” Jacob asked.
I shook my head. It would be the first time I’d ever missed the Caldwell Halloween party. I’d done a lot of firsts this year. But I never guessed that would be one of them.
“Come on,” he said. “We already got costumes. We can go as friends.”
I hated the word friend. For a second I just stared at him. I thought that maybe he looked a little sad. But what did I know? I’d thought he loved me six days ago. I couldn’t read him at all. “I have plans to watch scary movies all night.”
“You hate scary movies,” Axel said.
I’d almost forgotten that he was standing there listening to all of this.
I shrugged. “I used to. I guess people’s likes and dislikes change pretty quickly.
” I tried not to look at Jacob when I said it.
And I did want to watch a scary movie. They consumed me.
And terrified me for weeks. And I just wanted to feel something other than hurt.
Watching a marathon of scary movies by myself in an empty apartment should distract me for a bit.
“You’re really not coming to the Halloween party?” Axel asked.
I shook my head.
“But you love Halloween.”
I shook my head again. I did love Halloween.
But spending Halloween at the Caldwell mansion felt like a nightmare.
I didn’t want to see Jacob dancing with someone other than me.
And the thought of seeing Aunt Brooklyn or Uncle Matt made me feel all panicky.
Jacob would have told them I was a liar.
Maybe they didn’t love me anymore either.
I clutched my books tighter to my chest. I think I’d be bowing out of a lot of family things over the coming weeks.
“I hope you change your mind,” Jacob said. “It won’t be the same without you. And I really want you there.” He squeezed my elbow and then walked down the hall to class.
Yeah, it wouldn’t be the same. It would be better. For him. We both knew he didn’t want me there. What the heck was he even talking about?
“Are you okay?” Axel asked. “You don’t look like yourself.”
As if he cared either. I thought about all the times I’d sent him soup when he didn’t come to school. I’d been out all week. And he hadn’t even sent me one text to ask if I was okay. “I’m great.”
“Are you eating? It looks like you’ve lost weight.”
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine. Come on, let’s get out of here. I’ll take you to breakfast.”
I shook my head.
He lowered his eyebrows. “Please. I hate seeing you hurting.”
“Give me a break, Axel. You don’t care if I’m hurting.”
“Of course I care.”
“Really? I wasn’t in school all week and you didn’t even ask me if I was okay.”
He just stared at me. “If you had told me that you needed me, I would have come over. You know that. I was just trying to give you some space.”
It was so weird that I ever thought Jacob and Axel were my friends.
I wasn’t sure either of them even liked me as a person.
They certainly didn’t care about me. “It’s fine, I’m sure you were too busy with your girlfriend to send a text, let alone soup.
” Asshole. “I gotta get to class.” I stepped past him.
“Scarlett.” He grabbed my wrist.