Chapter 40 – COSIMA #3
I nod, and he pushes in slowly, inch by careful inch. The stretch is perfect, just the right side of too much. He fills me completely, up to the knot, and when he's fully seated, we both let out shaky breaths.
"Don't move, little bird," Nikolai warns, and I can see him positioning himself behind Raven. The nickname seems to come out freely, without him even noticing it. Or the way it makes Raven shudder. "Not until I say."
Raven freezes, trembling with the effort of holding still. I feel his cock twitching inside me, see the strain in his face as he fights the urge to move.
Then Nikolai pushes in, and Raven's entire body goes rigid.
"Ah—" The sound tears from his throat, raw and desperate.
I pull him down, capturing his mouth with mine to swallow the cry. He kisses me back frantically, all tongue and teeth. I can taste myself on his lips, can feel the way his body shakes as Nikolai sinks deeper.
"Breathe," I murmur against his mouth, my fingers carding through his golden hair. "Just breathe."
He tries, but every breath is ragged, broken by the sensation of being filled and buried inside me at the same time. Nikolai's hands grip his hips, holding him steady as he bottoms out.
"Fuck," Nikolai groans, his head falling forward to rest against Raven's shoulder. "Forgot how tight you are."
The confession makes heat surge through me. There's history between them. Painful and raw and unfinished.
And I'm right in the middle of it.
"You could have used more of her slick," Raven grumbles half-heartedly between dazed kisses.
"You'll live," Nikolai counters, but I feel him pull out slightly. His hand slips to where Raven and I are joined, and he dips his fingers into my pussy, stroking Raven's cock inside me.
I cry out as the already tight stretch grows, but it feels too good to be painful. Then he pulls out, presumably coating his cock with more of my slick, and the thought of him using that to fuck Raven is more arousing than I ever imagined.
Nikolai starts to move, slow and deliberate. Each thrust drives Raven deeper into me, creating a rhythm that has all three of us panting and gasping. I watch Nikolai's face over Raven's shoulder, his expression shifting from controlled to desperate to controlled again.
He's trying so fucking hard to be gentle.
For me. To prove he's safe to mate with. And I guess if he can fuck his so-called enemy with that much care, I'd be in good hands.
I reach up, grabbing Nikolai's white hair and pulling him down for a kiss. He comes willingly, his mouth meeting mine over Raven's shoulder. The angle is awkward, but it works. His tongue sweeps into my mouth, claiming and possessive, and I let him.
Raven whimpers between us, overwhelmed by sensation. I break the kiss with Nikolai to capture Raven's mouth again, swallowing his desperate sounds.
"Please," Raven gasps against my lips, driving his cock deeper into me. I feel the swell of his knot straining at my entrance. I'm not even in heat, but I need his knot. Need to feel it swelling, buried inside me, locking us together while Nikolai fucks him. "I need—"
"Not yet," Nikolai growls, his hips snapping harder. "Not until she tells you you can come."
The command in his voice makes me clench around Raven. He cries out at the sensation and his cock throbs inside me, and I can tell he's close. So close.
But Nikolai's right. I'm not done with them yet.
I haven't gotten what I came for.
Except... looking at them now, seeing the way they move together like we all belong tangled up together, the way they both focus on my pleasure even while lost in their own...
Maybe I don't give a fuck about getting information anymore. Not right now, at least. Maybe I just want this.
Want them.
"You're so beautiful together," I murmur, and I mean it. Raven's golden hair against Nikolai's white, the way they fit like pieces of a puzzle.
Nikolai's rhythm falters for a moment, his eyes finding mine. There's something raw in his gaze, something vulnerable that he usually keeps locked away.
"Can you take his knot?" I ask Raven curiously, running my fingers through his hair.
I've never really asked him about his… condition.
Just figured he would tell me when he was ready, and it's not like we've had a lot of downtime to discuss things other than war crimes and survival.
But I can tell his walls are down, more than usual.
He hesitates, and I can see the conflict in his eyes. Want warring with fear. "I don't... I don't think so."
"It's okay," I soothe, realizing he's still self-conscious on the subject, even in our intimate position. "You don't have to—"
"Not unless I'm in..." He trails off, laughing awkwardly. The sound is broken, self-deprecating, even through his panting. "Well, sometimes I get weird. Like rut, but... not. It's hard to explain. Like I said, I'm… fuck!—broken."
The words punch through my chest like a fist. I cup his face, forcing him to look at me. "You're not broken."
"Cosima—"
"You're perfect," I insist, and I mean it with every fiber of my being.
His eyes shine, pupils blown wide in confusion just like the last time I said those words, as if he can't bring himself to believe anyone would mean them. I lean up to kiss him again. This time it's different. Softer. More real than any of the calculated seduction I planned.
"Be a good boy," I whisper against his lips. "Come for me while Nikolai fucks you so hard I can feel you both."
Permission granted, Raven lets go. On the next thrust, his swelling knot shoves inside me and I clench around him, sealing around him.
Not as tightly as if I were in heat, but tight enough.
His orgasm tears through him with devastating force.
He cries out my name—and Nikolai's—as his cock pulses inside me as his knot swells to its full size.
The stretch is intense, just shy of painful, and it triggers my own release.
I come with a sharp cry of my own, clenching around him as pleasure whites out everything else. Distantly, I hear Nikolai snarl, feel the way his rhythm stutters before he finds his own release inside Raven.
We collapse in a tangle of limbs, all three of us gasping for air.
Raven's weight is warm and solid on top of me, his knot still locked inside me.
Nikolai's draped over his back, and somehow, I feel the rapid thunder of both their hearts.
Their scents mingle with mine, honey and blood and stone and moonlight, like they were always meant to.
The aftermath is quiet. Peaceful, even.
Raven shifts slightly and groans when Nikolai pulls out, settling more comfortably against me.
Within minutes, his breathing evens out into sleep.
I find myself idly stroking his hair as I gaze up at the patterns in the stone ceiling, wondering how the weight of two alphas on top of me can feel so freeing.
Nikolai's still awake, though. I feel the tension in his body, the way he's not quite relaxed despite the post-orgasmic haze.
"Nikolai?" I murmur.
"Mm?"
"What are you doing?"
"Thinking," he mutters.
"I wasn't aware that was something you did."
He snorts a laugh, the movement making Raven growl softly in his sleep.
Nikolai is quiet for so long I think he's fallen asleep himself. Then, he finally speaks again, his voice quiet and rough. "I need to tell you something."
My stomach drops. Here it comes. Whatever they've been hiding.
"Okay," I whisper carefully.
He shifts, propping himself up on one elbow so he can see my face. Raven's still locked inside me, dead to the world even as his arm slides off mine and lands on the mattress. He nuzzles into my breast.
"Tomorrow, the doctors are going to examine you," he says, his voice low as he switches back to our mother tongue. "Good ones. The best Surhiira has."
I start to protest, but he holds up a hand.
"Please," he says, and the word sounds foreign coming from him. "Just listen."
I close my mouth, waiting, but I'm sure my narrowed eyes are saying plenty.
"It's necessary," he continues, choosing each word carefully. "I can't tell you why. Not yet. But I can't lie to you either."
"Since when?" I challenge.
"Since…" He trails off, his gaze still fixed on mine. "Since I fell in love with you."
The words pierce my chest like a hollow point round and all I can do is stare at him, dumbfounded.
"You love me," I echo, my voice sounding steadier than it should. My heart is pumping so fast, I'm sure he can hear it.
His brow furrows slightly, his gaze traveling over my face like he finds me every bit as mystifying as I find him.
"You think I left my army behind, followed you to this paradise that's my own personal version of hell, risked my life and sold my soul to the fucking Ghosts because I'm ambivalent about you, Cosima? Really?"
For once, I'm at a loss for words. I can't formulate any sarcastic barbs to deflect against his words. Words that leave my heart racing and aching more than any betrayal ever could.
My hard-won ability to meet an alpha's gaze with a wall of ice falters and I look away. Not because of intimidation, but because I'm afraid of what he'll see in mine.
The truth.
That maybe I love him too.
That I love all of them so much, the thought of losing them is so terrifying I can't bring myself to even think about it. Because I will lose them. In the end, I lose everything I try to hold onto. The firmer the grip, the faster it slips through my fingers.
"You love me," I say quietly, instead grasping onto the one anchor that has always kept me sane. Resilient. Anger. "Yet you can't tell me what they're going to do to me tomorrow."
He looks like I just pulled a gun on him.
"It could kill you," he murmurs.
I look up, searching his face, but there's no deception there. No sarcasm. Not a trace of amusement. "What?"
"If I told you the truth, it could kill you, and I won't let that happen," he repeats, his voice firm.
His mismatched eyes bore into mine. The steel in his gaze falters with his voice as he adds, "I can't. I need you to trust me, Cosima.
Trust that even if I can't tell you the truth, at least not all of it, I will never lie to you. "
The words are more jarring than any confession I thought I might pry out of him.
Trust.
He's asking me to trust him.
An alpha I've known for months. Months that started out with him holding me in captivity. An alpha who's done gods know what in his time as a wasteland warlord before we met.
And yet...
I study his face, looking for the lie. The manipulation. The angle. But all I see is raw honesty. Vulnerability that probably comes as easily to him as it does to me.
Which is to say… not at all.
"Alright," I hear myself say.
He cocks an eyebrow. "Alright? Just like that? No argument? No snarky remarks?"
I shrug, the movement awkward with Raven still locked inside me. "You were honest with me. That's all I ever wanted from anyone."
Something shifts in his expression. Softens. "You should raise your standards."
A laugh bubbles up from my chest. "First time I've ever heard that."
He reaches out, tucking a strand of silvery hair behind my ear with surprising gentleness. "Get some rest. Tomorrow's going to be..."
"A shitshow?" I suggest.
"I was going to say 'interesting,' but yeah. Shitshow works."
He settles beside me, careful not to jostle Raven, who's still sleeping peacefully. His arm drapes across my waist, and I let myself relax into the warmth of them both.
This is dangerous. Letting my guard down. Letting them in.
But for the first time in months, I feel something other than fear or rage or that hollow numbness that's been my constant companion.
I feel safe.
And that's the scariest shit in the world.
But for now, I let myself drift, surrounded by the warmth of two of my alphas, and for once, I don't dream of the grasping claws of the past or the pressing uncertainty of the future.
Just darkness.
Blessed, peaceful darkness.
And the steady rhythm of two hearts beating in sync with mine.