6. Rowan
6
ROWAN
I t’s dinner. Just dinner. Get a grip on yourself .
The mascara wand trembled as I touched it to my lashes, meaning I needed to take a breath and steady myself or end up looking like a fucking raccoon.
Hannah, thankfully, was unaware of how her mother was falling apart. “You look gorgeous, Mom.” My daughter gave me a sage nod, walking around me in a slow circle,then letting me lean in close to the mirror in my apartment’s generously sized bathroom. She even had the nerve to tap a finger against her chin while pursing her lips thoughtfully. “Ten out of ten, no notes.”
Since when did she talk like a jaded reality show star? “You need to stop watching so much junk TV.” However, I did appreciate the compliment while pawing through makeup strewn across the marble vanity. If I didn’t calm down, I’d start sweating like a pig. Very unsexy.
“She doesn’t get that from TV.” My sister leaned into the room, giving Hannah a playful scowl. Lucky for me, she was able to babysit. “That’s the kind of stuff she and her friends say to each other all the time.”
There was nothing judgmental about the way she said it. I didn’t get the feeling that there was anything behind her words but the love of an aunt for her niece. Somebody who would drop everything to babysit on a Saturday night so her sister could make the questionable decision to go to dinner with the wrong man. Putting it mildly.
But dammit, that didn’t stop me from going stiff before I caught myself and let it go. “I can’t keep up with everything these kids say nowadays. And hearing myself say that, I feel old.”
“You don’t look old,” Hannah offered, closing the lid on the toilet seat and plopping down to watch me put on my makeup.
“You are my favorite daughter,” I told her, winking in the mirror.
“I’m your only daughter.”
“That was sort of the point.” I glanced toward my sister, and we shared a grin. We hadn’t always gotten along very well—not that we were at each other’s throats, but there was a phase where Rhiannon couldn’t stop comparing us. If I got something for my birthday, she wanted it for hers, that sort of thing. We needed an equal number of Christmas presents under the tree, the same number of people invited to birthday parties, the same model of bike.
It was an obsession with her for a long time until she finally grew out of it in high school. That was when she started coming into her own as a student, winning computer science fairs and making friends at tech camp. I was glad for her, especially since it gave her something to be interested in. Now, she was a kickass programmer.
It gave her something to feel proud of too. I always felt bad for the way Mom and Dad highlighted my victories much more than hers. I had asked them to lay off more than once, but they had gently laughed it off. Sometimes, it was possible to love somebody so much thatit could cloud judgment.
Hell, I knew that one from firsthand experience.
“So, who is the lucky guy deserving all this makeup and jewelry and everything?” Rhiannon asked, sizing me up while twirling a strand of hair a shade darker than mine around her finger.
“Nobody important. Really,” I added when she rolled her eyes. “It’s not a big deal.”
“I don’t know. What do you think, kid?” I caught her winking at Hannah in the mirror.
“It looks like you’re going out with somebody you like.” Hannah covered her mouth with her hand, eyes bulging. “Do you have a boyfriend?”
“No, I don’t, and that’s the truth. You don’t have to be boyfriend-girlfriend with somebody to go out for dinner. It’s just somebody I used to know.”
“Somebody you used to know who is a boy?” she asked with more giggles.
“Maybe you’re the one who should go to law school,” I concluded with a groan that made my sister laugh.
“Come on, kid.” Rhiannon held out a hand. “Let’s go make some popcorn and find a movie to watch. Mom doesn’t feel like being honest with us.”
“Don’t make it about that!” I called out after them, not that it mattered. They were busy giggling together, acting like the best friends they were.
It made me happy to see them get along the way they did, like peanut butter and jelly, an unbeatable duo. I had nothing to complain about when it came to my relationship with Hannah. We were close. She loved me, looked up to me. There wasn’t any resentment, at least none that I noticed. She didn’t hold it against me that I spent so much of my time away from her.
Still, part of me mourned the time I had lost with her. I was in class the morning she took her first steps. Every day, I would come home to a new milestone, which my parents had enjoyed. It meant I was a bystander in my daughter’s life. All I could ever do was hope she would understand one day.
What some people might have called selfishness was a sacrifice almost too painful to describe.
I wasn’t getting anywhere by standing around, getting emotional. Spencer’s momentary return to my life had knocked me on my ass and left me thumbing through memories, both good and otherwise. Narrowing my eyes at my reflection, I lifted my chin in defiance.
It was dangerous to let myself indulge in the past. If I wasn’t careful, I might end up wishing for all the things my heart had longed for during those lonely times when I wondered what would happen when Hannah asked about her father one day. I used to dream about him, imagining him coming back into our lives. As much as I resented him for running away after the crash, I wanted him more, not only for her but for me.
Those days had passed, and any feelings I had for him went hard and cold until they weren’t anything more than the scars I now barely noticed. They had been part of me for so long, there were times I could forget about them, at least until I got one of those inevitable looks from a stranger. Sometimes full of pity, sometimes curiosity.
What did that girl do to herself?
I would’ve told them if they had the nerve to ask. It was simple. I made the mistake of falling in love with the wrong person, someone who didn’t have the balls to stay by my side after taking everything I ever wanted and crushing it under the wheels of his Lamborghini.
One thing was for sure. He would remember how good I looked tonight. I’d pulled out all the stops, from a trip to the salon with Hannah to an afternoon shopping trip where I picked up a new dress that looked like it was made for me. Sleek and black, the satin flowed like inky water over my breasts, down to my hips, and over the curve of my backside. I checked the knee-length hem, turning around to look at my back in the mirror. It was cut too low for me to wear a bra, baring more skin than I was comfortable with.
I felt sexy. When was the last time I let myself feel that way? Normally, I tried to tone down my looks a little, determined to be taken seriously. Now, I might as well have been Cinderella stepping into her pumpkin carriage as I strode down the hall of my corner apartment, heels clicking while the sound of laughter led me past the kitchen and into the living room.
Rhiannon and Hannah were on the sofa with a big bowl of popcorn between them. Hannah gasped when she saw the finished product of all of my preparation. “Mom. I want to date you.”
Her sudden announcement made me burst out laughing, and my sister joined me. “So you like everything? The earrings are okay?” I touched my fingertips to the dangling diamond earrings I bought after signing my first client. I loved how they sparkled with every move I made, but I was starting to wonder if they were maybe a little too much.
I didn’t want Spencer to think I went overboard for him, even if I had. It had been forever since I went this far for a simple dinner. It was probably a waste of time, something I would regret once he inevitably said something painfully ignorant or completely stupid.
I wanted him to see what he was missing. If I couldn’t show him our daughter for obvious reasons, I would have to show myself off a little. Looking at her now, I knew he was missing out. Was she? Was I holding her back by hiding her from him? I was only trying to protect her from ending up like him. Would she understand one day?
“Perfect,” Rhiannon announced, giving me a thumbs-up. “He won’t know what to do with himself, whoever he is.”
“Your boyfriend,” Hannah teased in a singsong voice.
“I’m telling you, he’s not. Sorry to disappoint you.” We were supposed to meet at eight, and a glance at my phone told me the time was quickly approaching. I couldn’t stall any longer.
Why was I so freaked out?
Rhiannon popped up from the couch with a few last-minute questions, following me to the door while I looked through my clutch to be sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. “It’s a Saturday night, and she’s hanging out with you,” I concluded. “We can push bedtime to ten so long as you promise not to let her eat that entire bowl of popcorn beforehand.”
“Yes, ma’am,” my sister replied with a salute. “I’ll let her eat a whole package of Oreos instead.”
“You’re hilarious.”
“You’re nervous,” she retorted, laughing gently. “Fess up. Who is this guy? Why are you so freaked out?”
“I’m not freaked out.”
“Right. That’s why you’ve put more energy into getting ready for tonight than I’ve seen you put into anything for… I can’t even remember.”
“And maybe that’s a problem. But you know how it is. She’s more important,” I whispered, glancing at my oblivious daughter, who sat glued to her movie, mindlessly eating popcorn without looking into the bowl. If anything, it was a nice change from the tablet Mom and Dad had insisted on getting her for Christmas, even though I’d asked them not to.
“Hey, that’s what we’re here for,” Rhiannon reminded me. “It takes a village and all that, right?”
“Thank you.” I kissed her cheek, then rubbed a smudge of red lipstick off her skin. Cherries in the Snow, the same shade worn by generations of women on Mom’s side. We all shared the same fair complexion.
“So…” Rhiannon stopped me before I could leave, lifting an eyebrow. “Last question is, when can I expect you home? Or should I?”
“I’ll come home,” I promised. “I’m telling you, it’s not that kind of night.”
“Right. Just do me a favor and keep me updated if anything changes.”
“You are impossible.” I called out my goodbyes to Hannah one more time then ducked out, down to the elevator. My ride would be waiting downstairs any minute, and something told me I would need more than a drink or two if I wanted to get through this meal. Better to have someone do the driving for me.
This was crazy. If I ended up hurt, angry, or wanting to kill Spencer at any point, it would be nobody’s fault but my own. Why did I let him do this to me? What did it matter if he saw for himself what he had missed out on by taking the cowardly way out? It didn’t change anything. He had still chickened out and sent Daddy’s lawyer to do what he should have done himself.
He hadn’t known my real last name? Somebody sure as hell had because my true name was on that damn document.
No, he hadn’t tried hard enough to find me, was all. And now, afraid of what retaliation might look like for him, he wanted to smooth things over. Show me a good time, maybe get me a little drunk, make me remember the way things used to be.
Like I could forget.
Like a week had gone by without me thinking of him at least once as I looked at the baby we created, remembering those days together when anything had seemed possible. Then, the nights I had spent sitting up with Hannah, rocking her to sleep, wondering what life would be like if her daddy was still in the picture. There had been plenty of time to remember and regret.
I had to deliberately push all that off to the side, climbing out of the car in front of the West Hollywood restaurant. No doubt he chose someplace trendy and upscale to impress me. I wasn’t the same girl anymore, the one who practically creamed her panties over an exclusive dinner reservation or a flight to San Francisco on his family’s private jet.
That didn’t mean I was immune to the reaction. He was waiting for me, standing in front of the building, distracted by something on his phone. I had the chance to observe him without him knowing it. Did that soft grunt come from me? It must have because it paired so well with the sudden ache in my chest and the consuming heat in my core.
All of a sudden, I was hungry. Starving. And food had nothing to do with it. He was so damn handsome, unfairly so, with his slightly mussed blond hair looking like he had just run his hand through it, pushing it back from his tanned forehead. His sharp jaw was perfectly highlighted by the light from his phone, and the firm set of his full mouth told me he was deep in thought. Oh, that mouth of his. The things it used to do to me.
The things I could almost imagine it doing to me now, caught up in the grip of blind lust that only got worse when his gaze lifted.
It wasn’t an act—the breath he released, the way his shoulders sank, and his face went slack in those first seconds after he recognized me. He pulled himself together quickly, but not fast enough. All of my work had been worth it. A shiver of pleasure ran down my spine as I started walking toward him.
“You look incredible,” he said as I approached, though he didn’t need to. The rasp in his voice got the message across as his throat worked when he swallowed hard.
Oh God, was I in trouble. Because when was the last time a man had looked at me the way he was? Not that I had gone celibate, but life had sort of gotten in the way. Beyond a couple of casual flings in law school, there hadn’t been time or emotional bandwidth available for a relationship. And there had never been an opportunity to dress up like this outside of an industry event, where everybody jumped through hoops to outdo everybody else, and I faded into the background.
Not in years had a man stared at me with blank desire written across his face.
Not in years had there been a man I wanted to look at me that way.
I had walked into this dinner, telling myself it would be a miracle if I didn’t kill him. Now, I was starting to think it would be a miracle if I ended the night with all my clothes on and my self-respect intact.
How was I supposed to fight him when I was too busy reminding myself to breathe whenever our eyes met?
“Shall we?” he asked, holding out his crooked arm to escort me inside. That effortless charm. It was more potent than ever, strong enough that I took his arm and told myself to let everything else go for tonight.
Just for tonight.