10. Rowan
10
ROWAN
W hen I was a kid, there was nothing better than Friday afternoon. School was out for the weekend, and there were two full days of freedom to look forward to. I had sort of lost that feeling as an adult, working my ass off seven days a week. Having Hannah with me on the weekends had brought the feeling back, leaving me feeling lighter and happier as we left Mom and Dad’s the Friday after the close call with the intruder.
“Can we do something this weekend?” she asked with hope in her voice.
“Depends on what you had in mind.” I carried Hannah’s backpack by one strap while she carried a tote bag full of books, which Rhiannon had bought for her during a shopping spree at the local bookstore.
I hated to think how much she had spent, but I figured it had something to do with cheering Hannah up after last Saturday. Something to pick up her spirits, though she had seemed happy enough when we were together on Sunday after the door was fixed and Spencer had left.
Spencer who hadn’t bothered reaching out since then. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise.
“I don’t know,” she said, shrugging. “Anything. Maybe to a movie or something?”
Considering I would’ve asked to go to Disneyland when I was her age, I knew I was getting off easyeven if ticket prices were a little ridiculous. “Sure, is there something you wanted to see?”
She opened the front gate and waited for me to pass before closing and locking it. Mom waved from the front door. She was a little concerned after the attempted break-in, but I had spared no expense with my new alarm system. Any breach resulted in a call going straight to the local police station. I also made sure the front desk staff was aware that they had let somebody upstairs without confirming an order had been placed. They were supposed to do that. The property manager made sure to tell me the girl working the desk that night would be dealt with. Considering she could’ve gotten my daughter hurt or killed with her laziness, I couldn’t bring myself to feel sorry.
Blissfully unaware of my thoughts, Hannah shook her head, making the golden curtain hanging past her shoulders shimmer in the last beams of early evening light. “No, but there’s probably something that wouldn’t be too grown-up or whatever.”
“I’ll look into it.” I stroked that golden hair, wrapping an arm around her and giving her a squeeze on the way to my car, parked a few houses down from my parents’.
“You don’t have a date this weekend?” she asked, and I looked down, catching the sly look she gave me.
“Is that what this is about, young lady? No, I do not,” I told her, sticking out my tongue. “So there.”
It was a good thing she couldn’t hear the way my heart sank. No, I wouldn’t have a date, and there was absolutely no reason for any sadness because of that. Spencer and I had slept together once. Well, technically twice, but both in the span of a few hours. He had told me Sunday morning that he had a busy week ahead of him.
I had no right or reason to expect anything more than that. He didn’t need to call, text, or send an email. If anything, his silence might have been preferable to contact. He could have sent that scary lawyer after me, demanding a paternity test or forcing me to sign something saying I would never go after him for child support. When I thought of it that way, it was better that he faded into the background again.
So what if this felt way too much like history repeating itself? This time, he knew what he was missing out on. Nobody was lying to him, concealing the truth. He was making this decision on his own.
“It’ll be just you and me this weekend, kid.” And that was just fine. It was what I was used to. I opened the passenger door for her, and she loaded her books in the back seat after climbing in. Which meant she didn’t see what I did. If she had, she wouldn’t have known what she was looking at, anyway.
But I knew.
Did he think he didn’t stick out like a sore thumb sitting in a Bentley on this block?
“I’ll be right back. You stay here.” I didn’t wait long enough to hear Hannah’s response and closed the car door. Now that I had Spencer in my sights, nothing was going to stop me from finding out what the hell was going on.
He stepped out of the car, holding his hands up in front of him. “Just listen,” he said.
“No. You just listen,” I snapped, caught between outrage and a strange sense of relief. “What the hell are you doing here? I hear nothing from you for days, then I find you sitting here? I thought you were back home.”
“Is there anything wrong with me coming down to see her? Is that a crime?” Arching an eyebrow, he added, “You’re the lawyer. Tell me.”
“Don’t even hand me that shit,” I hissed. To think, I spent the week fighting to convince myself it would be a good thing if he ghosted us while my heart ached. Would I ever stop being a glutton for punishment?
“It’s the truth. I wanted to see her. I didn’t think you would want that, but I couldn’t help myself. You can’t expect me to forget she exists.” The corners of his mouth tugged upward. “She’s a beautiful kid. She looks just like you.”
And there I went, melting into a puddle and soaking into the asphalt. Hearing him talk that way about her was something out of the sort of dream I never dared imagine coming true. I always wondered what he would think of her.
What the hell was I thinking? This was why things were better before we met up again. He always fucked with my head, whether or not he knew it.
I stood up straight, shaking my head. “No. You are not allowed to sit out here like some creepy stalker and freak her out if she notices. How could you?” It came out all at once, the words tumbling over each other. My heart was racing a mile a minute, and there was a roaring in my ears.
Dammit, why did he have to do this?
Lifting a shoulder, he retorted, “You’re the one who came over here and made a thing about it. She didn’t notice me all week.”
I hated that he was right. It took a little of the heat out of my rage as I processed what he was saying. “All week?” My mouth fell open.
“There’s a lot of time to make up for.” Out of so much confusion, what confused me most was how mellow he seemed. Normally, he would meet my anger with his own shitty attitude. That was how it always was back in the day, and it wasn’t like we hadn’t antagonized each other recently.
“Either way,” I whispered. “It’s unacceptable.” A glance over my shoulder told me Hannah was waiting in the car, probably on her tablet. Right then, I didn’t mind. I preferred the distraction.
“What is so unacceptable about wanting to see my daughter?” he asked.
His daughter. Damn my weak, stupid heart for fluttering when he said that. Damn me for being so easy to melt, especially when it didn’t seem he was trying to melt me. There was nothing sneaky about his attitude. He wasn’t being coy. He wasn’t screwing with my head, even if that was how it felt. It was all my fault, wanting to give in like this.
“Maybe we could start with boundaries?” I suggested, getting myself back on track. We had to talk about the things that really mattered. “If you want to meet her, let’s make a plan. Let’s decide together what would be best for her. That’s all I’m asking.”
Yet another trait Hannah had picked up from him—the sly look so much like the one she gave me minutes ago. “So you’re saying you want me to meet her?”
I didn’t know what I was saying. Why did he sound hopeful? Did he mean it? “I’m saying don’t hurt my kid. That’s it.”
“Mom?”
Oh, fuck me. Hannah’s soft question made my insides shrivel like desiccated leaves. I turned and found her standing behind me, staring over my shoulder before her gaze flicked back to me. “Everything okay?” she asked.
I would hate him forever if he screwed this up. Putting on a smile, I said, “Fine, sweetie. Just give me one more minute, and I’ll be with you.”
She glanced at him again. What was she thinking? Did she notice the way her eyes mirrored his—sharp and piercing, with a hint of mischief lurking in the corners? Or the subtle curve of her lips that echoed his own. Did she know? Could she sense it? The silence twisted between us, and I held my breath, feeling the weight of the moment pressing down. That was almost too paranoid to be taken seriously, but it was a very real fear.
Smirking, she said, “You don’t have to pretend.”
I was going to die right there on the spot. It was painful to pretend everything was fine, but I managed to ask, “Pretend what? Nobody’s pretending.”
“You can introduce me to your boyfriend. Jeez.” Her wide, wicked little grin both came as a relief and deepened the pile of shit I was sinking into.
“Sweetie, he’s not… I mean, it’s not…”
“I’m a friend of your mom.” Somehow, Spencer managed to sound normal while I had forgotten most of the words I had ever learned. He stepped up beside me and extended a hand. “My name is Spencer. What’s yours?”
“Hannah.”
It was happening. She was placing her hand in his and shaking it, and they were smiling at each other. While it was nothing I had ever imagined, it healed something in me I didn’t know was broken.
He played it off well, releasing her hand without holding on too long. “It is nice to meet you, Hannah. What’s your favorite subject at school?”
His question took me by surprise, but she took it in stride. “English. I like the books we have to read.”
“What are you reading now?”
“Hannah is in an advanced program,” I explained, grinning with pride at my kid. “She’s only ten, but she’s reading at an eighth-grade level.”
“Mom…” She groaned, rolling her eyes the way I used to when Mom and Dad praised me out of nowhere. I used to hate it, and now I was doing it to her. “We’re reading The Outsiders ,” she explained.
“Good book. I read that when I was in school. I would like to know what you think about it.” All of a sudden, he remembered I was standing next to him, glancing my way. “We could talk about it over dinner. What do you think? I’m in the mood for a burger.” He eyed Hannah because, of course, he didn’t know what kind of food she liked.
“Yeah, Mom! Can we?” Her eyes danced, her head bobbing in excitement.
We’d need to have a talk about putting me on the spot. This prick. He knew damn well I wouldn’t be able to say no unless I wanted to look like the mean mom with a stick up her ass.
“Can I buy you a burger?” he asked, and I realized for the first time how his eyes gleamed the way hers did when he knew he was about to get his way.
“I’m outnumbered.” I sighed, throwing my hands into the air. “You can follow us to the restaurant.”
* * *
“I like writing stories.” Hannah played with her straw, stirring around what was left of her milkshake. “Maybe that’s what I’m going to do when I grow up.”
“What kind of stories do you like to write?” Spencer sounded very solemn, but then he had throughout the meal. Not in a negative way, not like he was bored. Rather like he took her very seriously, the way a lot of adults didn’t take children—he wasn’t patronizing her. There were no sly winks my way.
Was it safe to believe he meant it?
And what would happen if he decided to announce who he was? What if he tried to take her from me?
I took a long sip of my milkshake in thehope of cooling myself down. I couldn’t think that way. It would mean ruining what was turning out to be a nice night. I was witnessing my daughter get acquainted with her father, and all I did was worry.
Then again, it would’ve been na?ve of me not to at least question his motives just a little. He kept calling her his, like she was a possession. I wouldn’t let him get close to her just for the sake of ownership. She deserved better than that.
“Fantasy, mostly,” she explained. “I’m working on one right now. I love making up places and creatures and characters.”
“You know what I think? That is definitely what you should do when you grow up. It’s something you like to do, and you sound excited when you talk about it.” He turned to me. “What do you think?”
“Definitely,” I agreed. At least we could agree on that much, even if I still didn’t love his methods. I couldn’t fault him for it when he and Hannah were getting along so well, and he seemed so genuinely interested in her.
Hannah turned her attention to me. “Like you wanted to be an actress?”
Out of the mouths of babes. It was an innocent question, and I knew it came from years spent around my old photos, not to mention a pair of grandparents who loved to tell their favorite stories. Just because I didn’t make it a point to sit around and talk about the past didn’t mean nobody else did.
I was aware of Spencer watching me as I figured out how to respond. “I did want to be an actress,” I began, speaking slowly, choosing my words carefully. No amount of chocolate milkshake would make this any easier. “But things changed. That’s how life goes sometimes. And as it turns out, I really like what I do now. It was always going to be either acting or law. I tried one first, then I went back to school and got my degree. I think it was the right thing to do.”
She didn’t see my scars the way other people did. She had never known me without them. They were part of me, so it never would’ve occurred to her that they were the reason I had to give up on that dream. Well, she was part of that reason, too, realizing I needed something solid in my life. I had responsibilities, and hush money didn’t fall from the sky every day. I had turned down a scholarship, but tuition had come my way after all.
She was too young to understand all of that, but I planned on explaining it one day. And when I did, it wouldn’t be in a restaurant full of people.
That was the thing. Her question wasn’t as deep as I took it. She accepted my explanation and moved on. “Can I get dessert?”
Now, this, I could handle. “Excuse me, but what’s that in your glass? Something to do with ice cream, right?”
Only a ten-year-old would look so stricken over something so trivial. “No fair! I didn’t know it was either a milkshake or dessert. I would’ve picked dessert.”
“Maybe we can share something,” Spencer suggested. “Then it wouldn’t be so bad.”
So that was the kind of father he would be if he chose to be her father and not just the man who donated his DNA. I would be the voice of reason, and he would be the one scheming to get around my decisions.
I didn’t even mind. In fact, I sort of liked the idea. It was easy to imagine us like this, the three of us together, going out for dinner on a Friday night, sitting around the table at home, or watching movies on the couch.
I needed to get real. Thinking like that would only lead to trouble. I was setting myself up for heartache. Not only mine, either. I wasn’t going to welcome Spencer into our lives unless I knew for sure he wanted to be there.
That was why, as Hannah carefully decided what she wanted for dessert, I sent a text to the man sitting directly across from me in the booth.
Me: We should talk. Come back to my apartment after this.