17
I throw on my black cotton dress and leave the room in a rush. I knock on the professor’s door but there is no answer. Damn, he must be waiting for me in the lobby. I go back to my room, take my purse and go to the elevators.
My wide black dress hides the fact that I forgot to put on a bra. I tighten my braid and look for him in the lobby. He is surrounded by a few female admirers, but as soon as he notices me, he excuses himself politely and walks over.
“You look wonderful, as usual,” he smiles and immediately heads toward the exit.
I grab his arm to stop him. “I have to go home.”
“What’s wrong?” he asks concerned.
“Johanna sent me a text. I think I should go home.” My voice is trembling.
“Is she in trouble?”
“Not right now. At least, I don’t think so.” I am trying to think how I should explain this without revealing some dangerous information. “But maybe I should go back…”
“You’re amazing,” he cuts me off and smiles, “But Johanna is a big, smart girl. If she doesn’t really need you, it would be a shame for you to miss tomorrow. It will be fascinating.” I think about what he said and try to understand why I'm so upset. She is smart. Sometimes a little impulsive, but she’d never do anything really stupid. At least, not without talking to me first. And what difference would one day make?
“You’re right.” I shake off the nagging thoughts and manage to smile. “It would be a shame to miss all of tomorrow’s lectures and panels.” But what I really want to say is that it would be a shame to miss quality time with my perfect professor.
He smiles with satisfaction and opens the cab door for me. Several minutes later we walk down a trail leading to the shoreline, and I am sucked into my now magical reality. We walk side by side on the soft sand and he tells me all about his marriage, about dealing with her need for children and the understanding that his world is different than hers. “We were like parallel lines…” he starts explaining and I burst out laughing.
“That could never meet no matter how much you extend them,” I complete his sentence and he looks at me, surprised. Suddenly he sits down on the sand and pulls my hand, signaling for me to sit down beside him.
“I don’t remember the last time I enjoyed a woman’s company as much,” he says, holding my hand. “It’s as if I’ve found a soulmate.” His fingers caress the back of my hand and I hold my breath. “You have everything,” he says and looks at me intently, “you're smart, a wonderful person to have conversations with, and you know all about my world.” He puts his second hand on my arm and strokes it. “And you are so feminine and passionate.” His hand creeps up toward my neck, and I move my braid, so he won’t touch it. “I need to know if you feel the same way.” He looks at me questioningly and cups my cheek with his hand.
“I think that my dream has just become reality,” my voice is trembling, and his head leans closer to mine. I still can’t breathe. His lips meet mine and press for a long, soft kiss. I respond to him and place my hand on his neck, waiting impatiently for the physical jolt I should be feeling right now. I relax my arms, lean back and continue to enjoy his gentle kiss. My brain is singing and dancing, but my body feels cold. I’ll feel it soon, I encourage myself as I continue to explore his mouth with my tongue. It’ll be here in a minute. But even when he pulls his head back and smiles at me nervously, my body remains frozen. I think I hear Scarface’s mocking chuckle, as if he is watching and laughing at me. I can actually hear his mocking tone in my head. Did you really think that intellectual passion could beat physical passion? You’ll never beat your natural instinct… I panic, and move away from the professor, my smile disappears.
“This is my dream,” I explain apologetically, “but the risk is too big.” I shake off the sand from my dress and continue. “You’re my professor. My research advisor. You’re the one who’s meant to guide me through my thesis and help me create the foundation of my professional life. If we let this happen now, we could both lose everything.” I fall silent and understand how scared I am. “I’d be kicked out of school. I’d have to find a new place. Everyone in our field would hear about this and think that I slept my way through all my achievements. And you…” I stop, I can’t even voice the possibility that the professor would be fired because of me. How did we get here? “No, I just can’t allow this to happen.”
I wait for his reaction tensely and fearfully. He stands up, gives me his hand and pulls me up to stand beside him.
“I feel used,” he laughs lightly, and I exhale in relief. “You just want me for my brain.”
“I’d love to use some other things as well.” I realize that I’m lying, but I have no doubt it will be true in the future, after I finish school. The pressure is probably too much for me, and that’s why my body won’t cooperate.
“But you’re right.” He shakes the sand off and places his hand naturally on my lower back as we walk back towards the trail. “I was so focused on myself that I forgot to think about the consequences.” His hand caresses my back lightly. "Anyway, I want to help you. I’ve already thought about it. I respect you, and with your abilities we can bring up to speed your professional independence.” He stares at me, and I look at him curiously. “We’ll give you two extra courses each semester, and next year I’ll ask permission to shorten your academic year. At the end of the year, I’ll put you into an accelerated master’s degree program with a thesis and I’m sure with me by your side you’ll finish with great success.” He continues talking and I can’t shut my open mouth. “Only if that’s what you want, of course.” He stops and turns around to face me, holds me close and kisses me again. This time I’ll feel it! I try to convince myself enthusiastically, but once again the kiss ends and… nothing. Freeze
“So how does that sound to you?” he asks and moves away.
“Perfect!” I ignore my embarrassment and hug him. When I let go, I think he looks excited.
“Great.” He moves away suddenly. “Then we’ll go back to a purely professional relationship. And in the meantime…” he glances at me and smiles awkwardly, “start wearing bras.”
We enter a nearby café and over our meal we talk about the discussions at the panels today, about the lecture topics for tomorrow and about the slow but sure advance of our own research. The hours pass by and as he is paying our bill, I realize sadly that this is my last evening alone with him. I don’t say anything, but I can see on his face that he feels the same way.
We part at the entrance of our rooms. He doesn’t wait, and the white door closes behind him. I know that if I knock on that door now, I could go right in and see whether this is the man who could fulfill my other fantasies. But Johanna comes back into my head, and so does Scarface’s mocking laugh.