SESSION 10
“I don’t think Gong ever knew how to be a brother to Ji-Woo,” Noeul said quietly. “They loved each other… I’m sure they did. But they never understood each other. Most of the time, they only spent time together if I was there too.” He fell silent. “Doctor… I still struggle to say Gong’s name.”
Dr. Kim leaned forward slightly. “What happens when you say it?”
Noeul looked down at his hands. “I don’t know. It feels like saying his name makes everything real again.”
“And Ji-Woo?”
“I think Gong was always jealous of my relationship with Ji-Woo. Even before he became ill, he didn’t like it when I spent more time with Ji-Woo than with him.”
Dr. Kim nodded. “Was there a moment when that jealousy became frightening?”
Noeul took a slow breath. “What happened that day… it was during one of his manic episodes.
“Ji-Woo was sitting in the living room, playing PlayStation. I remember looking at him and thinking everything seemed normal.
“But something felt wrong.
“I heard Gong’s bedroom door open. At first it was just a sound… but I felt uneasy before I even saw him.
“I hoped he’d stay in his room.
“He didn’t.
“When I saw him, I knew.”
Dr. Kim didn’t interrupt.
“His eyes…” Noeul whispered. “They weren’t focused. I’d seen him like that before… but this time he scared me.
“He turned to me and asked, ‘Where’s Ji-Woo?’
“I told him Ji-Woo was right there.
“But Gong kept staring at him.
“He said…”
Noeul swallowed.
“‘That’s not Ji-Woo.’”
Noeul rubbed his hands together. “He said someone had taken Ji-Woo’s place.
“He thought…” He hesitated before continuing. “He thought Ji-Woo wanted to take me away from him.”
“What did you do?” Dr. Kim asked.
“I tried to convince him he was wrong. I kept telling him…
“‘He’s our brother.’
“He wouldn’t listen.
“When Ji-Woo realized something was happening, he looked up from the game. He asked what was going on.
“I told him everything was fine.
“It wasn’t.
“Gong suddenly rushed toward him.
“I didn’t think. I just moved. I stood between them.”
His breathing became heavier.
“He kept shouting…
“‘Move.’
“‘I have to stop him.’
“He really believed Ji-Woo wasn’t Ji-Woo anymore.
“I tried to hold him back, but he was stronger than me.
“Then Ji-Woo grabbed onto my back. He was shaking.
“And you?” Dr. Kim asked gently. “Were you afraid?”
Noeul looked at her, almost surprised by the question. “I didn’t have time to be.”
Dr. Kim held his gaze. “That isn’t the same as not being afraid.”
Noeul’s eyes dropped again. “No. I was terrified.” He took another breath.
“I pushed Gong away. I kept telling him…
“‘He’s our brother.’
“Then something changed.
“At the word brother… Gong froze.
“He looked at Ji-Woo.
“Then at me.
“He stared down at his own hands.”
His voice dropped almost to a whisper.
“He said…
“‘What… what’s happening to me?’”
Silence filled the room.
Dr. Kim spoke first. “What did you see in him then?”
Noeul’s face tightened. “He looked so scared. So lost.
“He covered his face. He apologized. He kept saying he hadn’t meant to do it.”
“And what did you do?”
“I told him to go to his room.” Noeul closed his eyes. “I’ve wondered about that moment so many times.
“Maybe I did the wrong thing.
“Maybe I should have hugged him.
“Maybe I should have told him I wasn’t going anywhere.
“Maybe he needed that more than anything.”
Dr. Kim studied him. “What did you need in that moment?”
The question seemed to catch Noeul off guard. He slowly shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“Try.”
Noeul drew in a shaky breath. “I needed him to stop.”
Dr. Kim waited.
“I needed Ji-Woo to be safe.” Another breath. “And I needed someone else to take over.” He looked away. “But there was no one.”
Dr. Kim’s voice softened. “So you were frightened, protecting Ji-Woo, trying to manage Gong during an episode, and still expecting yourself to know exactly what Gong needed.”
Noeul said nothing.
“Would you expect Ji-Woo to handle all of that perfectly?”
“No.”
“Then why do you expect it from yourself?”
Noeul’s jaw tightened. “Because I was his twin.”
“That made you his brother,” Dr. Kim said. “Not his doctor.”
Noeul stared at the floor. “But I was scared too.
“When he left, I waited until I heard his bedroom door close. Only then did I realize I was shaking.
“I hugged Ji-Woo. He wouldn’t let go of me.
“I kept telling him he was safe.”
A faint, broken smile appeared. “But I couldn’t promise I’d always protect him anymore.”
Dr. Kim watched him carefully. “Maybe that was the first time you understood there were things you couldn’t protect either of them from.”
Noeul’s smile disappeared. “Maybe.” He looked down at his hands again. “And I hated myself for it.”