SESSION 19
“I lost most of my friends after Haneul died,” Noeul said.
Dr. Kim looked up from her notes. “How?”
“They stopped calling. Stopped inviting me anywhere. At university, people avoided my eyes. Conversations would die the moment I approached.” He looked down at his hands. “They never actually told me I wasn’t welcome anymore. They didn’t have to.”
“And you believe it was because of Gong?”
“I know it was.”
Dr. Kim waited. Noeul had learned by now that her silence usually meant she wanted more.
“There was this basketball court near the university,” he continued.
“Saturdays used to belong to me and the guys. We’d play for hours.
Sometimes until it got dark.” A faint smile appeared and disappeared just as quickly. “We’d laugh until our sides hurt.”
“And after Haneul?”
“I went there once.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing.” Dr. Kim tilted her head slightly. “That was the problem. I stood at the edge of the court with my hands in my pockets and watched them play. They were all there. Laughing. Playing. Like nothing had changed.”
“But something had.”
“Everything had.” He fell silent for a moment. “It had only been a few days since Haneul died. I kept thinking about what happened at the park.”
“The day Gong pushed him?”
Noeul nodded. “I could still hear Haneul hitting the ground. Especially his head.” His fingers curled slightly against his thigh. “There was this sound when it hit the concrete. I still remember it.”
Dr. Kim said nothing.
“Gong hadn’t wanted to hurt him. Everything went wrong in a few seconds.”
“You still feel that’s important.”
Noeul looked at her. “Of course it’s important.”
“Tell me why.”
“Because he wasn’t trying to kill him. He wasn’t even trying to seriously hurt him.
Gong was having one of his bad days. His eyes were wide and unfocused.
He was convinced something terrible was going to happen to me.
” Noeul paused. “No matter what I said, I couldn’t convince him otherwise.
He saw the guys as a threat. To him, they were enemies. ”
“And to everyone else?”
Noeul hesitated. “He probably looked dangerous.”
“Was he?”
The question made Noeul look at her. “That day?”
“Yes.”
“I suppose.”
Dr. Kim waited.
Noeul exhaled. “Yes. He was.”
“What happened next?”
“I should have stopped it.”
“That wasn’t my question.”
Noeul looked away. “Gong shoved Haneul. I froze. Haneul fell backwards and hit his head. His eyes opened really wide for a second, and then…” He swallowed.
“Nothing. He was just lying there. Everything after that was chaos. People shouting. Someone called an ambulance. A few of the guys ran to Haneul. Gong just stood there shaking.”
“Were you frightened?”
“Terrified.”
“For Haneul?”
Noeul didn’t answer immediately. “For both of them.”
Dr. Kim nodded.
“Gong started crying. I think that was when he understood what he’d done. He grabbed my arm so hard it hurt. He was shaking so much.” Noeul rubbed the same arm without seeming to notice. “And everyone started shouting.”
“What were they saying?”
“One of them asked what the hell was wrong with him. Someone else said he could have killed Haneul. They were telling me to get him out of there.”
“And what did you do?”
“I stood in front of Gong.”
“Why?”
“To protect him.”
“From what?”
Noeul frowned. “Them.”
“Were they trying to hurt him?”
“No. Not yet, anyway. They were angry.”
“So you thought they might.”
“Yes.”
“What did you say?”
Noeul stared at the floor. “I told them he didn’t mean it. That it was an accident. That he was scared.”
“Was that all?”
“I tried to explain that he was sick.”
“And Haneul?”
Noeul looked up. “What about him?”
“What did you say about Haneul?”
Noeul’s lips parted. He looked back down. “I don’t remember.”
“Did you ask whether he was all right?”
“I must have.”
“Do you remember doing it?”
Noeul searched the memory. People surrounding Haneul. Gong’s fingers digging into his arm. Blood. Shouting. His own voice.
He didn’t mean it. It was an accident. He was scared.
“No,” he admitted.
Dr. Kim let the silence settle.
“I cared about him,” Noeul said.
“I didn’t say you didn’t.”
“I went to the hospital.”
“I know.”
“I loved Haneul.”
“I know that too.”
Noeul’s jaw tightened. “Then why does it matter what I said in those few minutes?”
“Because those few minutes may have mattered to the people who were there.” Noeul didn’t respond. “You were looking at Gong. You saw your brother frightened, unwell and losing control. What do you think your friends were looking at?”
“Haneul.”
“And what did they see?”
Noeul swallowed. “Their friend unconscious on the ground.”
“Yes.”
“And me defending the person who put him there.”
Dr. Kim didn’t answer for him.
Noeul rubbed his thumb against his palm. “I wasn’t defending what Gong did.”
“Did they know that?”
He looked at her. “I knew what he did was wrong.”
“Did they know you knew?”
Noeul opened his mouth, then stopped. That question was harder. “I don’t know.”
“You told them Gong was scared. You told them it was an accident. You told them he didn’t mean to hurt Haneul.”
“Because those things were true.”
“They may have been.”
“They were.”
Dr. Kim nodded. “But did you ever tell your friends that they had a right to be angry?”
Noeul said nothing.
“Did you tell them Gong had frightened you too?”
“No.”
“That what he’d done to Haneul was wrong?”
“I don’t remember.”
“Then perhaps they couldn’t see the distinction you were making.”
“What distinction?”
“Between understanding Gong and excusing him.”
Noeul leaned back in the chair. “I wasn’t excusing him.”
“I believe you.”
“Then…”
“But they may not have.”
Noeul went quiet. Dr. Kim allowed several seconds to pass before asking, “What happened after Haneul died?”
“Everything stopped.”
“What do you mean?”
“No calls. No messages. At university, people avoided me. Invitations stopped. Some people called Gong a murderer. Some called me one too.” His mouth twisted bitterly. “Murderer by association, I suppose.”
“That must have hurt.”
“They were my friends.”
A pause.
“We grew up together. They knew me.”
“And you felt they had chosen Haneul.”
“They had.”
“Over you?”
“Yes.”
Dr. Kim studied him for a moment. “Go back to the basketball court.”
Noeul frowned. “What did you see?”
“Them.”
“Tell me.”
Noeul sighed. “They were together. Laughing. Playing. Whole.” He paused. “I remember wanting to walk over. Just for a second. I thought maybe I could pretend nothing had happened.”
“Did you?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I knew I wasn’t welcome.”
“How?”
“A few of them looked at me. No one waved. No one called me over. Then they turned away and kept playing.”
“And what did you tell yourself?”
Noeul knew the answer immediately. “That I stood by my brother and paid the price.”
Dr. Kim remained silent.
“What?” he asked.
“Did anyone ever tell you that you had to choose between Gong and them?”
“No.”
“Then who made the choice?”
Noeul’s expression hardened. “What was I supposed to do? He was my brother.”
“I’m not asking whether you should have abandoned him.”
“It sounds like you are.”
“I’m asking whether loving Gong required you to defend everything he did.”
“I didn’t defend everything he did.”
“No. But perhaps you became so accustomed to explaining him that other people couldn’t always tell the difference.”
Noeul looked away. “They hated him.”
“Some of them probably did.”
“They thought he was a monster.”
“And what did you think?”
“That he wasn’t.”
“Even after what he did to Haneul?”
Noeul looked at her sharply. “He wasn’t a monster.”
“I didn’t say he was.”
“He was sick.”
“Yes.”
“He was scared.”
“Yes.”
“He loved Haneul.”
Dr. Kim was quiet for a moment. “All of those things can be true. And he still hurt Haneul.”
Noeul stared at her. “I know.”
“I think you do now.”
The words stung more than he expected.
“And back then?”
Noeul looked down. “I knew then too.”
“But?”
He didn’t answer. Dr. Kim waited.
Noeul pressed his lips together. “Everyone already thought he was a monster,” he finally said.
“So?”
“Someone had to remember he wasn’t.”
Dr. Kim’s expression softened. “And you decided that person had to be you.”
“He was my brother. I couldn’t abandon him too.”
“Too?”
Noeul’s eyes dropped. “Everyone else already had.”
Dr. Kim nodded slowly. “So you became the person who understood him.”
“I suppose.”
“The person who explained him.”
“Yes.”
“The person who stayed.”
Noeul nodded.
“And what happened to that person?”
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Who stayed for you?”
Noeul went still. He looked away. “No one.”
The answer came more quietly than he intended. Dr. Kim didn’t rush to fill the silence.
After a while, Noeul continued. “When I left the basketball court that day, I remember feeling bitter. But also…” He hesitated.
“Also?”
“Relieved.”
“Why?”
“Because Gong was at home.”
Dr. Kim waited.
“I’d lost everyone else, but I still had him.” Noeul gave a humorless little laugh. “At least with Gong, I wasn’t completely alone.” He stared at his hands. “I thought my friends had abandoned me because I loved my brother.”
“And now?”
Noeul was silent for a long time. “I think that’s part of it.”
“Only part?”
“Maybe.” He rubbed his thumb across his palm again. “Maybe they thought I had chosen Gong over Haneul.”
“Had you?”
“No.”
The answer came immediately. Then Noeul stopped. “I don’t know.”
Dr. Kim waited.
“I didn’t think I was choosing anyone. Gong needed me. Haneul had everyone around him.” His brow furrowed. “But maybe that’s not what it looked like.”
“To them?”
“To anyone.”
The room became quiet again.
“My friends chose Haneul,” Noeul said eventually. “I chose Gong.”
“And who chose you?”
Noeul looked at her. For a moment, he couldn’t answer. “No one.”
Dr. Kim held his gaze. “Including you?”
Noeul’s expression changed. He looked away. “No,” he said after a long silence. “I suppose not.”