CHAPTER 51 #2
“What Gong did to Haneul.” Chung-Hee’s voice weakened. “Haneul wrote that he didn’t think you knew. I told myself he was protecting you.”
Noeul’s face crumpled. “I didn’t know.”
Chung-Hee stopped breathing. Haneul had been telling the truth. Noeul had known nothing. Chung-Hee had read the truth years ago and chosen not to believe it. He had punished Noeul for something Haneul had explicitly asked him not to blame him for.
“Noeul…”
“No.” Noeul’s voice cracked. “Don’t.”
He drew his knees toward his chest. “No, I didn’t know.” His breathing broke into sobs. “But what does that change?”
Chung-Hee frowned.
“My twin brother raped my best friend, and my defense is that I didn’t know?” Noeul demanded. “I didn’t know. So what?”
“Noeul…”
“Is ignorance supposed to make me innocent?”
“Yes.”
The answer came so quickly that Noeul stared at him.
Chung-Hee’s own eyes had filled with tears. “Yes,” he repeated. “You didn’t do this.”
Noeul shook his head. “He was my brother.”
“That doesn’t make it yours.”
“I defended him.”
“You didn’t know what you were defending.”
“I should have.”
“How?”
“I should have seen something!” His voice broke completely. “Haneul was right there. He was my best friend, and I didn’t see it.”
Chung-Hee crouched a short distance away, careful not to touch him. “Haneul didn’t tell anyone.”
Noeul looked at him. “No one?”
Chung-Hee shook his head. “I found out from this.” He lifted the note slightly.
The grief on Noeul’s face changed. Not smaller. Deeper.
“That bastard,” he whispered. His mouth trembled. “That bastard of a brother.”
He covered his face again.
“My Haneul…”
Chung-Hee closed his eyes. Noeul’s next sob seemed to tear through him.
“Why did he do that to him?”
There was no answer.
“How could Gong do that to him?”
Noeul bent forward until his forehead almost touched his knees.
“I loved him.”
Chung-Hee didn’t know which one he meant.
“I loved them both.”
The room became quiet except for Noeul’s crying.
“Hyung…”
Noeul looked up. His face was wet with tears.
“I’m sorry.”
Chung-Hee flinched. “No.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Noeul, stop.”
“There’s nothing I can do to make this right.”
“This is not yours to make right.”
“I should have protected him.”
“You didn’t know.”
“I should have known.”
“You didn’t.”
Noeul shook his head again, refusing every word. “I’m sorry, hyung. I’m sorry.”
It wasn’t clear anymore whether he was speaking to Chung-Hee or to Haneul.
Then Noeul pushed himself unsteadily to his feet. “I have to go.”
Chung-Hee stood too.
“I can’t stay here.” His hands were shaking violently. “I can’t look at you right now. I can’t think. I need to leave.”
He took a step toward the hallway. Then another. Chung-Hee reached for him instinctively.
Noeul recoiled so sharply that Chung-Hee stopped.
“Don’t touch me.”
The words came out frightened rather than angry.
Chung-Hee lowered his hand.
Noeul pressed both palms against his temples. “I can’t do this anymore.” His breathing quickened again. “You’re Haneul’s brother.”
“Yes.”
“And I’m Gong’s.”
“Noeul, please.”
“I have his face.” Noeul touched his own cheek as if the skin had become unfamiliar. “I have the same face.”
“You are not Gong.”
“I know that.”
“Noeul.”
“I need to leave.”
He turned toward the door. Then suddenly stopped and struck the side of his head with the heel of his hand. Once. Then again.
Chung-Hee caught his wrist before he could do it a third time. “Stop.”
“Let go.”
“You’re hurting yourself.”
“Let go of me!”
Noeul tried to wrench free.
“Please.”
The word escaped Chung-Hee before he could stop it.
Noeul looked at him, wild-eyed and shaking. “I can’t stay here. Don’t you understand?”
“I understand.”
“No, you don’t.” His voice rose. “You knew what Gong did. You knew, and you still came into my life.”
Chung-Hee went silent.
“Why? Why did you come near me?”
Noeul pulled his wrist free. “How am I supposed to look at you now and not think about Haneul? How am I supposed to look at myself?”
His hand went to his face again.
“I look exactly like him.”
“You are not him.”
“But everyone else saw him when they looked at me.”
Chung-Hee had no answer.
Noeul’s voice dropped. “And you did too.”
Chung-Hee’s face changed.
Noeul stared at him through tears. “What kind of life was I supposed to have after that?” His breathing trembled. “I already hated myself before I knew.” He swallowed hard. “What am I supposed to do with this now?”
He turned toward the door. Chung-Hee caught his arm.
“Noeul.”
“Let go.”
“Not like this.”
Noeul twisted away, but Chung-Hee tightened his grip.
“Let go of me.”
“You’re barely standing.”
“I don’t care.”
“Noeul, stop!”
“I said let go!”
He shoved Chung-Hee hard enough to break free and ran for the door. Chung-Hee caught him before he reached it. Noeul’s back struck the wall.
“Don’t run from me.”
The words came out sharper than Chung-Hee intended.
Noeul stared at him. Something in his expression changed. Not fear. Recognition.
“You’re doing it again.”
Chung-Hee frowned. “Doing what?”
“Deciding for me.”
“No.”
“You knew what Gong did to Haneul. You thought I knew too.” His breathing trembled, but his voice held. “And you still came into my life.”
Chung-Hee went still.
“Why?”
“I told you why.”
“No. You told me you loved me.”
“I do.”
“Then why does your love always hurt?”
The question silenced him.
Noeul swallowed. “Was it revenge?”
Chung-Hee’s face hardened. “What?”
“My brother raped yours.” Noeul’s voice cracked around the words, but he forced himself to continue. “So what was I supposed to be? His replacement? Someone you could punish because Gong was already dead?”
“Stop.”
“Is that why you treated me like that?”
“No.”
“Why you controlled me? Humiliated me?”
“I said stop.”
“Why you forced me to give you oral?”
Chung-Hee flinched as though Noeul had struck him.
“Was that love too?”
“What did you just say to me?”