CHAPTER 51 #3
“You heard me.”
Chung-Hee released him.
For one brief second, Noeul thought he had finally gotten through.
Then Chung-Hee struck him.
The blow snapped Noeul’s head sideways. Pain burst across his mouth. He tasted blood.
Neither of them moved.
Chung-Hee stared at him as if he couldn’t believe what he had done.
Noeul slowly turned his face back. There was no surprise in his expression.
“You think I wanted you because of Gong?” Chung-Hee demanded. His voice shook. “You think everything I’ve felt for you was revenge?”
Noeul wiped the blood from his lip with the back of his hand. “I don’t know what you feel anymore.”
“I love you.”
“No.”
Chung-Hee stepped toward him. “I love you.”
“You hurt me.”
“I tried to protect you.”
“You hurt me.”
“I honored Haneul’s wish.”
Noeul laughed once, bitter and disbelieving. “Haneul asked you not to blame me.”
The words stopped him.
Noeul looked toward the suicide note still lying on the counter. “He asked you not to punish me for Gong.”
Chung-Hee’s face drained of color.
“And you did anyway.”
For a moment, the entire room seemed to go still. Noeul watched the truth reach him.
Then Chung-Hee looked away. “I knew what Haneul believed,” Chung-Hee said, his voice breaking. “I convinced myself he was protecting you. I chose not to believe him.”
Noeul’s expression hardened. “You chose not to believe your own brother?”
Chung-Hee looked back at him. “Yes.”
“And does that change what you did?”
He didn’t answer.
Noeul nodded slowly. “That’s what I thought.”
He stepped away. Chung-Hee caught his wrist again.
Noeul immediately tried to pull free. “Don’t touch me.”
“I need you to listen.”
“I’ve listened to you for months.” He shoved Chung-Hee’s hand away. “I don’t care whether you love me.”
Chung-Hee stared at him.
“I don’t want to be with you.”
His face changed.
Noeul continued before fear could stop him. “I don’t love you.”
Chung-Hee exhaled slowly. “That’s fine.”
Noeul frowned.
“Someday, you will.”
“No.”
Chung-Hee’s jaw tightened.
“I don’t want to love you. I don’t want a future with you. I don’t want this.” He gestured between them. “I want to leave.”
Chung-Hee knew exactly what was happening. Without guilt to bind Noeul to him, there was nothing left except Noeul’s choice and Noeul was choosing to leave. The old sequence unfolded inside him: fear, anger, control. This time, he recognized every step. He followed it anyway.
“You’re upset.”
“I know exactly what I’m saying.”
“You just found out what Gong did.”
“And somehow you still think that gives you the right to tell me what I feel.”
“I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.”
Noeul stepped closer now rather than backing away. For the first time, his anger was stronger than his fear.
“You tell me I love you.”
Chung-Hee’s eyes filled.
“You tell me I belong with you.”
“Noeul, please.”
“You decide when I stay. When I leave. When you touch me.”
“That isn’t…”
“But I don’t get to decide anything, do I?”
Chung-Hee’s voice broke. “You don’t get to define what I feel for you.”
Noeul stared at him. “But you get to define what I feel for you?”
Silence.
“No.” The word was quiet. Absolute. “You don’t get to do that anymore.”
Chung-Hee swept his arm across the counter. A plate hit the floor first. Then a glass. Ceramic and crystal broke around his feet.
“Shut up.”
Noeul flinched but didn’t move.
Chung-Hee struck the wall with his fist. The sound echoed through the apartment.
“Why does everything have to be this difficult?”
He hit the wall again.
“Why is loving me so impossible for you?”
Noeul looked at him. “Because this isn’t love.” His voice shook now, but he continued. “Love doesn’t make me afraid every time you enter a room.”
“Stop.”
“Love doesn’t make me calculate what I should say so you won’t hurt me.”
“I said stop.”
“Love doesn’t hold me against a wall when I try to leave.”
Chung-Hee’s breathing changed. Noeul saw it.
Danger.
For the first time, he listened to that instinct without arguing with himself. He took a step toward the living room.
“I’m leaving.”
“No.”
The word came cold and immediate.
Noeul stopped. Chung-Hee stepped between him and the door.
“You are not walking away from me.”
Noeul’s pulse hammered. “Move.”
“No.”
“Hyung.”
“If you leave now…”
“What?”
Chung-Hee stared at him. Something desperate and ugly surfaced beneath the grief.
“If you leave me, I’ll have nothing.”
Noeul swallowed. “That isn’t my responsibility.”
“You really mean that?”
“Yes.”
“You can just move on?”
“I’m trying to survive.”
“And what about me?”
Noeul stared at him.
“What about everything I did for you?”
“I never asked you to destroy yourself for me.”
Chung-Hee’s hands curled into fists. “You will not become someone else’s happiness while I’m left with nothing.”
Noeul went very still. His fear sharpened into certainty. He started backing away.
“Let’s stop.”
Chung-Hee followed. “Noeul.”
“We’re getting nowhere.”
“Don’t.”
“I’m leaving.”
“No.”
Noeul turned.
The last thing he saw was Chung-Hee’s furious face and the shattered remains of the sesame-oil bottle in his hand.
Then everything went dark.