CHAPTER 60 #2
Silence settled over the room.
“I need to know that I can wake up alone and still get out of bed,” Noeul continued. He swallowed. “That I can eat because I’m hungry, not because someone reminds me.” He looked at Duri. “That I can go somewhere because I want to go there, not because someone is holding my hand.”
Duri looked away, and Noeul’s heart sank. “I’m not trying to push you away.”
“It feels like it.”
“I know.”
Duri stood. “How is leaving supposed to help?”
“I don’t know if it will.”
“That’s reassuring.”
“Duri.”
“No, really.” Hurt entered his voice despite his effort to control it. “You tell me you love being here, that you still need me, and then you tell me you want to leave.”
“I said I need to leave. Not leave you.”
Duri stopped. Noeul held his gaze.
For a few seconds, Duri didn’t answer. Then he asked, “Do you want to break up with me?”
“No.” The answer came immediately.
Duri’s eyes widened slightly. Noeul looked almost offended.
“No.”
“Then what are you asking for?”
“Space.” The word felt dangerous, but Noeul pressed on anyway. “Not from you.” He hesitated. “From this version of myself.”
Duri’s expression changed.
Noeul rubbed his palms against his trousers. “I don’t know who I am anymore.” His voice dropped. “For years, I was Gong’s twin. Haneul’s best friend. Ji-Woo’s hyung. Chung-Hee’s…”
He stopped. Duri waited.
Noeul looked toward the window. “I want to know who Noeul is when none of those things are the first thing he thinks about in the morning.”
Duri stared at him.
Noeul turned back. “And I want to know what I feel for you when I’m not terrified of losing the person who saved me. I don’t want what happened to make my choices for me anymore.”
That silenced him. Yujin remained at the table, saying nothing.
Noeul moved closer to Duri. “I want you.”
Duri’s breath caught.
“I want to stay in your arms forever sometimes.” Noeul smiled faintly. “That scares me too.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know what this is yet.”
“What do you mean?”
“Whether I want you, or whether I’m just afraid to be without you.”
Duri’s expression softened. Noeul rested his forehead briefly against his shoulder.
“I want to come to you because I choose you,” he said, his voice trembling. “Not because I’m drowning and you’re the only thing I can reach.”
Duri closed his eyes. For a moment, neither moved. Then Duri said quietly, “You know I don’t need you to give me everything back.”
“I know.”
“I don’t need you healthy all the time.”
“I know.”
“You don’t have to earn being with me.”
Noeul lifted his head. “I know that too.”
This time, he almost believed it.
Duri looked at him carefully. “Then where would you go?”
Noeul hesitated. “Not my apartment.”
Fear flashed across his face so quickly Duri saw it immediately. “No.”
“A new place?”
Noeul looked down. “Maybe.”
Then something from his conversation with Dr. Kim returned.
A place where nobody knows me.
“I’ve been thinking about traveling.”
Duri stared at him. “Traveling?”
“Not now.” The idea felt fragile spoken aloud. “But someday soon.”
“Where?”
“I don’t know.” Noeul gave a small laugh. “That’s sort of the point.”
Duri did not laugh.
“I want to wake up somewhere I’ve never been,” Noeul continued, his voice growing quieter.
Duri looked down.
Noeul swallowed. “I think I need to know what it feels like to be somewhere where I’m just… me.”
Neither spoke for a long time. Finally, Duri exhaled.
“I hate this idea.”
Noeul almost smiled. “I know.”
“I really hate it.”
“I know.”
“But…” Duri looked at him. “If that’s what you need, I’m not going to stop you.”
Noeul’s eyes burned. Duri frowned immediately. “Don’t cry. I’m already struggling here.”
That made Noeul laugh through the emotion. Duri looked toward Yujin. His mother pretended to be extremely interested in the remains of her dinner.
“Eomma.”
“What?”
“You’ve been listening the entire time.”
“This is my kitchen.”
Noeul laughed again. Duri shook his head, then turned back to him.
“Stay one more week.”
Noeul’s smile faded. “Duri.”
“Not because I think you can’t manage.” He lifted one hand. “Let me finish.”
Noeul stopped.
“Dr. Daniels still wants to see you again. You have appointments with Dr. Kim. You need somewhere to live while you decide whether you’re actually going to disappear into the mountains or whatever insane thing you’re planning.”
“Mountains sound nice.”
“That was not encouragement.”
Noeul smiled.
“One week,” Duri repeated. “Use it to decide what you want. Not what you think is best for me.”
Noeul studied him.
“Okay.”
Duri exhaled. “One week.”
“One week.”
Noeul hesitated, then reached for his hand.
Duri took it. This time, neither of them needed to ask why.
***
Later, Noeul went to bed early.
Duri returned to the kitchen, where Yujin was pouring herself a glass of wine.
She took out a second glass.
Duri looked at it. “Are you trying to get me drunk, eomma?”
Yujin paused, then put the second glass away. “Fine.”
Duri gave her a look. “Excellent parenting.”
“I raised you in Germany.”
“That explains a lot.”
Yujin rolled her eyes. Duri sat across from her. For a while, neither spoke.
Then he said, “He’s going to leave.”
Yujin took a sip. “Yes.”
Duri looked down at the table. “I know I’m supposed to say I understand.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I do understand.” He swallowed. “I just hate it.”
Duri gave her a tired look. Yujin smiled faintly, then her expression softened.
“You have to let him go if that’s what he chooses. Not because he needs to become someone worthy of you.”
Duri looked at her. “He already is.”
“I know that too.” Yujin set down her glass. “But he needs to learn that his life belongs to him.”
Duri looked down. “What if he realizes he doesn’t need me?”
Yujin smiled sadly. “My son.”
Duri looked at her.
“You don’t want him to need you.”
“Yes, I do.”
She laughed softly. “No. You want him to choose you.”
Duri went still. Yujin lifted her glass again.
He closed his eyes. “Damn it.”
Yujin smiled. “He really got you, didn’t he?”
Duri opened his eyes, waiting for the inevitable list. It came.
“I see why you like him.”
“I love him.”
“I know.” She paused. “And I see why. He’s thoughtful. Intelligent. Talented. Kind. Unreasonably handsome.”
“Eomma.”
“What?”
“Please stop talking about my boyfriend like that.”
Yujin laughed. “You inherited your taste from me.”
“That sentence is horrifying.”
She laughed harder. Eventually, the humor faded. Yujin reached across the table and covered his hand.
“Let him find himself.”
Duri looked toward the hallway one more time. “And if he comes back?”
“Then you’ll know why.”
Duri swallowed. “And if he doesn’t?”
Yujin didn’t lie to him. “Then you’ll survive.”