CHAPTER 61
A few nights later, Noeul called his brother’s name in his sleep.
“Gong, Gong, Gong!”
The room fell silent again, broken only by the ragged rhythm of his breathing. The blanket had slipped to the floor. Sweat soaked his T-shirt, clinging to him like a second skin.
Duri woke at once. “Hyung?”
Noeul jerked upright as though he hadn’t heard him. His eyes were open, but whatever he was seeing wasn’t the bedroom.
“Noeul?”
He was already on his feet. Duri barely had time to move before Noeul stumbled toward the bathroom.
“Hyung!”
No answer.
Duri followed and found him standing in front of the mirror. Noeul stared at his reflection with something close to hatred.
He lifted one trembling hand and touched his own face. “This is your fault…”
Duri stopped in the doorway.
Noeul’s expression twisted. “You killed him.”
He didn’t seem to know whether he was speaking to himself or his twin. Then his fist slammed into the mirror.
The crash split the silence. Glass scattered across the sink and floor.
“Hyung!”
Duri moved forward. Noeul grabbed one of the larger shards, and everything inside Duri went cold.
“Hyung.” Noeul stared at the glass. “Put it down.”
No response.
Duri forced himself to slow his breathing. He kept both hands visible. “Please.”
Noeul raised the shard toward his throat.
Duri stopped moving.
A thin line of blood appeared beneath the glass.
“Noeul hyung.” His voice almost broke, but he swallowed it. “I’m staying right here.”
Noeul’s breathing came fast and uneven. “I have to go.”
Duri frowned. “Where?”
“To him.”
“No, please.”
“Leave me alone!” The scream echoed through the bathroom. “I have to go to him!”
“Gong?”
Noeul’s eyes filled. “I left him alone.”
“You didn’t.”
“I left him!”
Duri stayed where he was. One wrong movement and…
Footsteps sounded behind him. Then another voice.
“Hyung?”
Ji-Woo stood in the hallway, pale and breathless. Duri looked at him sharply. Ji-Woo saw the glass. Saw the blood. His face collapsed.
“What are you doing?”
Noeul’s eyes shifted toward him. For one second, the fog seemed to thin. “Ji-Woo…”
“Yes.” Ji-Woo didn’t move closer. “I’m here.”
Noeul shook his head. “I can’t do this anymore.” His voice broke. “I can’t carry it.”
Ji-Woo’s eyes filled immediately. “Okay.”
Noeul stared at him, confused.
“I mean, I hear you.” His voice trembled badly, but he forced himself to keep it steady. “I know you’re hurting.”
Noeul’s grip tightened around the shard. “You don’t know.”
“No.” Ji-Woo shook his head. “I probably don’t.” He took a shaky breath. “But I want to.”
Noeul looked away.
Ji-Woo’s voice cracked. “Please don’t leave while I’m still trying to understand.”
Noeul’s hand trembled.
“I’m tired.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t.”
“You’re right.” Ji-Woo wiped his face with one sleeve. “I don’t know what it feels like inside your head.”
Noeul’s breathing hitched.
“But I know I want you here.” Silence. “Not because Mom needs you. Not because Dad needs you. Not because I’ll fall apart if you leave.” Ji-Woo’s voice dropped. “Because you’re my brother.”
Noeul looked at him.
“And I love you.”
The glass lowered by barely an inch. Ji-Woo noticed, but he didn’t react. Didn’t move.
Noeul’s eyes went distant again. “You’re asking the wrong question.”
“What question?”
“What happens if I stay?”
Ji-Woo stared at him.
Noeul laughed once. There was no humor in it. “What happens when I keep waking up like this?” His hand shook. “When I look in the mirror and see him?” Ji-Woo said nothing. “When I’m scared of myself?”
Duri finally spoke. “Noeul hyung.”
Noeul’s eyes moved toward him.
“Can we call Dr. Kim?”
Something twisted in Noeul’s face. Then he laughed again, a broken, breathless sound.
“Of course.” He sank against the wall, the shard still in his hand.
Duri stayed still. “Of course you’d say that.”
“What do you mean?”
Noeul shook his head. “I said the same thing.” His mind seemed to slide somewhere else. “I was you.”
Duri frowned.
“With Gong,” Noeul said, his voice weakening. “When he wanted to die.”
Ji-Woo went still.
“I begged him too. I cried. I told him to stop. I told him we should call his psychiatrist.” His mouth twisted. “Exactly the same.”
Duri felt something cold move through him. “Noeul hyung…”
“Is this how he felt?” No one answered. Noeul looked up. “Is this why he thought I betrayed him?”
Ji-Woo frowned. “Betrayed him?”
“I did.”
“No.”
“I did.” Noeul’s voice turned flat. “I betrayed him.” His fingers loosened slightly around the glass. “I betrayed myself too. Us.”
Ji-Woo’s expression tightened. “What are you talking about?”
Noeul closed his eyes. “You don’t know what he looked like the last time I saw him in the clinic.”
He sank completely to the floor. “He looked at me like I’d destroyed him.” His voice cracked. “And then he killed himself.”
Ji-Woo crouched several feet away, still not touching him.
Noeul stared at the broken pieces around his knees. “He wanted me to find him.”
Ji-Woo went rigid. “What?”
“When he died.” Noeul’s breathing changed. “When I read the note…”
Ji-Woo stared at him. “He left a note?”
Noeul shut his eyes. “Yes.”
“Why didn’t I know?”
“I hid it.”
Ji-Woo looked wounded. “Why?”
Noeul’s mouth trembled. “Because you were young.”
“I wasn’t a child.”
Noeul looked at him, his eyes red. “You would’ve hated him.”
Ji-Woo went silent.
Noeul looked back at the glass in his hand. “He wrote things about me.”
Duri barely breathed.
“What things?” Ji-Woo asked.
Noeul shook his head immediately. “No.”
“Hyung.”
“No.” His grip tightened again.
Ji-Woo stopped.
Noeul stared at the floor. “His words still live in my head,” he said, his voice dropping. “He destroyed me twice.”
Ji-Woo’s face changed.
“With what he did.” A pause. “And with what he believed.”
Duri watched Noeul’s hand. The shard was no longer near his throat. “Can you put that down?” he asked quietly.
Noeul looked at the glass as though he had forgotten he was holding it. For several seconds, he only stared. Then he placed it on the floor.
Relief almost brought Duri to his knees, but he didn’t approach.
“I’m going to move the glass away from you,” he said. “Is that okay?”
Noeul stared at the shard. After several seconds, he nodded.
Duri moved slowly, wrapped the shard in a towel, and placed it beyond the doorway. Ji-Woo remained where Noeul could see him.
“I’m calling Dr. Kim now,” Duri said.
Noeul closed his eyes but didn’t object.
Duri called and placed the phone on speaker. Dr. Kim answered after several rings.
“Duri?”
“He broke the bathroom mirror,” Duri said, fighting to keep his voice steady. “He held a piece of glass against his throat. He’s put it down now, but there’s a cut.”
Dr. Kim’s voice became calm and direct. “Is the glass out of his reach?”
“Yes.”
“Is the cut bleeding heavily?”
Duri looked carefully. “No. It’s a thin cut. The bleeding has almost stopped.”
“All right. Put me where Noeul can hear me.”
Duri set the phone on the floor between them.
“Noeul,” Dr. Kim said. “It’s Dr. Kim. You don’t have to explain everything that happened. I only need to understand how much danger you’re in right now.”
Noeul opened his eyes.
“Are you thinking about killing yourself right now?”
His gaze moved toward the towel containing the glass. “I wanted to go to Gong.”
“I understand. But I need you to answer about this moment. Do you want to kill yourself right now?”
A long silence followed.
“Not right now.”
“When you held the glass against your throat, did you intend to die?”
Noeul swallowed. “I wanted everything to stop.”
“Do you have another way in mind?”
“No.”
“Is there anything else nearby that you’re thinking of using to hurt yourself?”
Noeul looked around the bathroom. “The glass.”
“Duri and Ji-Woo are going to remove it. Is that all right?”
A faint nod.
“I need words, Noeul.”
“Yes.”
“What helped you put the shard down?”
Noeul looked first at Ji-Woo, then at Duri. “They stayed.”
Dr. Kim paused. “Then they’re going to stay.”
“You will not be alone tonight,” Dr. Kim said. “Ji-Woo and Duri will remove the broken glass and ask Yujin to secure the medication and anything else you might use to hurt yourself. This isn’t a punishment. It’s only for tonight, while the thoughts are this close.”
Noeul lowered his gaze.
“If the urge returns, what can you do before you act on it?”
He didn’t answer.
“You can say Duri’s name. Ji-Woo’s. Mine. You don’t have to explain. You only have to let someone know the danger is back.”
Noeul rubbed his thumb against his palm. “Duri.”
Duri’s throat tightened. “I’m here.”
“Good,” Dr. Kim said. “Keep the phone beside you. I’ll call again in thirty minutes, and I want to speak with you tomorrow morning.”
Her voice became firmer. “If you begin thinking that you may act again, or if you reach for something and cannot stop yourself, Duri and Ji-Woo will call for emergency medical help. Do you understand?”
Noeul’s face tightened. “No hospital.”
“Staying home depends on whether you can remain safe with their help. I’m not asking you to promise that the thoughts won’t return. I’m asking you to tell them if they do.”
Noeul remained silent for several seconds. Then he nodded.
“Say it for me.”
“If they come back, I’ll tell them.”
“All right. We start there.”
Dr. Kim remained on the phone while Ji-Woo cleared the bathroom and Duri helped Noeul stand. Yujin removed the medication and sharp objects from the rooms Noeul could access, then brought water and the first-aid kit. Duri cleaned the cut on Noeul’s neck only after asking permission.
They moved to the bedroom. Noeul sat on the floor against the side of the bed, wrapped in a blanket. Duri remained nearby, while Ji-Woo sat several feet away. No one asked Noeul to explain what had happened.
When Dr. Kim called again thirty minutes later, Noeul told her that he was no longer thinking about hurting himself. The phone remained beside him after the call ended.
Nearly an hour passed before Noeul spoke again.
Noeul rubbed both hands over his face. “It started with attachment.”
Ji-Woo listened.