Chapter 29 Becca
Becca
I’m already in the shower when I hear him get home.
He doesn’t say anything, but I’m not surprised. I am surprised, though, when I get out and realize he’s already gone to bed. Not being able to have a full conversation is one thing, but not even saying goodnight?
I get myself dressed and try not to wake him. It’s not like he’s going to want to talk anyway.
I go down to the kitchen to see the dinner that I left out for him still sitting there.
Did he even notice that I did that, despite how he acted towards me, and then stormed out?
At this point, does it even matter? Whatever is bothering him, he’s obviously not going to tell me. If I do try, he shuts me out.
I scrape the food into the trash and begrudgingly wash the dishes as I dry my hands, my phone rings. Izzy? At almost 10 p.m. Confused, I answer.
“Hello?”
“Becca?”
“Yeah, What’s up?”
“Uhm, I don’t know how to tell you this.”
I roll my eyes, not in the mood for her typical gossip and dramatics. “What is it, Izzy?”
“I saw Jimmy earlier. At the hospital... With… someone else.”
“The hospital?” I question, baffled. “When? With who?”
“I couldn’t tell who. I’m just telling you because they were clearly arguing, then kissing.”
I don’t say anything. My body instantly feels cold. My stomach feels like rocks. The room is being pulled out from under my feet. Suddenly, everything makes sense.
“Autumn,” I whisper.
“Becca, I’m so sorry. I don’t know if it was her, but it was definitely Jimmy, and I thought you should know.”
She started rambling on about how she wasn’t sure who, but it was definitely someone, and Dom didn’t want her to say anything because he was sure she was confused, but she knew she wasn’t.
At some point, I tuned out. The last thing I heard was “I’m sorry again, Becca,” before I hung up the phone.
I didn’t care about anything else she had to say.
I walk back up the stairs to the bedroom. Sitting on the foot of the bed, I stare at him sleeping peacefully. His chest rises and falls to a calm cadence, while I can’t tell if I’m even breathing or not.
I stare at him for I don’t know how long, wondering how long this has been going on; accepting the full scale of the betrayal from the only one I’ve ever planned a future with.
The only one I’ve ever seen myself with.
And despite everything I’ve convinced myself wasn’t that serious before, in this one quiet moment, I accept that it’s all been a hoax.
His phone lights up. The voice inside telling me to look returns, and for only the second time ever, I grab it off the nightstand. The screen rattles in my shaky hands, then brightens, and just as I suspected, there’s her face in a tiny little circle.
Sorry for earlier. I love you. See you tomorrow.
I fucking knew it.
The feeling I felt the last time comes back tenfold. The dam holding me together breaks, and I sob. Harder than I’ve ever sobbed before. To the point that the noises coming out of me are what finally wake him. He jumps up. “What happened? Becca, what’s going on?” He rubs his eyes.
“You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?”
“What?”
“Where did you go earlier, Jimmy?”
He squints, “I told you I had to take care of something.”
I erupt. “Oh, cut the shit. When did it start? The day we saw her at the restaurant? Or before that?” I gasp and continue, “Oh my God. Was it you? Did she come back for you?”
He leans forward, putting his head in his hands, but doesn’t say anything.
“Yeah. Exactly. I knew it. The moment I saw her back here, I knew I didn’t stand a chance.”
He looks up and finally speaks. “No, don’t say that. It’s not like that.”
I laugh. “Oh, it’s not?” I realize I still have his phone and turn it towards him. “I LOVE YOU?! Are you kidding? Are you really going to try telling me that she’s just like the others? I’m supposed to believe that it’s just like the rest? It’s nothing, right? But she loves you? Right?”
I start to lose the sense in my words. I wait for his response, but there isn’t one. His silence tells me more than his words can anyway. He sits quietly, staring at the floor to avoid looking at me like the coward I now know he is.
“Exactly.” I throw the phone at him and start to pace. “I guess I give you a shred of credit for not trying to convince me that you didn’t sleep with her like the others.”
I wait for his response, naively still holding on to hope that he didn’t actually do this, but still, he doesn’t even gather the nerve to look at me.
I shake my head in disgust and walk towards the closet, grabbing his suitcase. He jumps up and finally tries to talk.
“Becca, just listen.”
I cut him off. “You know what, Jimmy? No. I don’t think I want to.
All the times we’ve done this over stupid shit, all the other times I’ve ignored Izzy because she’s usually so full of everybody else’s business that she can’t see straight, all the times you’ve told me ‘it’s nothing,' and I listened. I convinced myself that you truly did love me, despite sometimes feeling like you didn’t.
I convinced myself that even though the flirty conversations were wrong, you could never actually do that to me.
I really thought you could never cross that line.
But now I know you have. And quite frankly, I don’t have the stomach to hear you admit it or hear any excuses or a bullshit ‘explanation.’ Just leave. ”
He stares at me, confused. Like, I didn’t just make myself clear.
“Right now?” He asks.
I fold my arms. “Yes, right now. Get out.” I kick the suitcase in his direction for dramatic effect, then turn around to go downstairs and cry alone.
I plop down on the couch, but don’t cry like I expect to. The tears have dried, and instead, my leg is bouncing a million miles a minute. I realize I’m biting my nails when he walks past the living room with his bag. He pauses near the front door and looks at me, but I don’t say anything.
I just get up and walk past him, making it clear that I have nothing left to say