Chapter 30 Autumn
Autumn
What I did not expect on Tuesday was to wake up to messages from multiple people, BUT Jimmy.
Kory.
Hey, I heard some shit… Call me!!
Someone we went to school with.
Should've stayed where you were.
Morgan.
You okay? Call me if you want.
Someone else from school.
Aren't we a little old to still be stealing boyfriends?
I felt a few different things. A sting of pain from the truth behind the harsh messages.
But then there was relief. Relief that Jimmy had obviously finally done something.
But there was also surprise. Surprise that he hadn’t said anything about it, and I still hadn’t heard from him.
I figured plenty was going on to keep him distracted, so I tried calling, but no answer.
I immediately sent him a good morning text when I woke up, like I always do, before I even read the other messages. But still no response. It’s 10 a.m. and we usually get to the hotel around 11 a.m., so I send another asking if everything is okay, but again no response.
Now I’m frustrated because why isn’t he responding to or answering my calls? I hope that he just wants to tell me in person, so I jump in the shower. I start the water, eager for this meeting, hoping it is the last secret one.
While rinsing my hair, I hear a text interrupt Lover playing on YouTube. Ms. Swift couldn’t have released a better album at a better time. But I finish the song and my shower before checking it. Once I’m finally out, I rub the steam off the screen, and I see that the message is from him. Thank God
But then I read it.
Raincheck. I'm at my brother's.
Frustration turns to confusion. I text back.
What? Why? After yesterday?
He writes back.
Yeah, long story.
Confusion now turns to anger.
No. Call me. NOW.
After all that crying and whining about ME cancelling and having an attitude with him? And him showing up at my work even though I told him not to? Now I’m just supposed to be okay with ‘raincheck' and ‘long story’? No.
My message is still sitting on read, so I call him again anyway.
“Hello.” He answers, sounding muffled and as irritated as I am.
“Hello? What is going on, Jimmy? Why am I getting messages about us from random people? And why are you at your brother’s?
I hear him sigh. “Becca knows about us and kicked me out last night after I got back from the hospital.”
“Okay? So why didn’t you come here? Why did you go two hours away?”
“It’s complicated.”
His tone stings me in a way I can’t explain. Then I realize exactly what he said and laugh. Why? I’m not really sure.
“Wait, she kicked you out? You didn’t tell her and leave by choice?” He sighs again. Which is really just irritating me more.
“No. Apparently, someone saw us at the hospital and told her. She was really upset.”
I push my fingertips into my forehead, exerting my frustration. “Well, I mean, I understand that she would be, but wasn’t this the goal? I don’t understand why you went all the way out there instead of just coming here?”
“I told you it’s complicated.”
Now anger turns to fury.
“No, it’s NOT actually. You had a choice. Like, literally had the opportunity to choose me, and you still can’t. All that begging and promising you did to me yesterday, and for what? Now you’re the one bailing when we don’t even have to hide anymore?”
He sighs for a third time. “I know. I’m sorry. I know how crazy this sounds. I just need to figure everything out.”
I laugh again. “No. I have been listening to you ‘needing to figure it out’ for months now, Jimmy. Clearly, you have. This is nothing but an affair, and I’ve been dumb enough to expect more out of you when I shouldn’t.”
He clears his throat. “Stop, you know it’s not.”
“Clearly it is.”
“Okay.” He takes a breath. “Can you meet me out this way? Like maybe halfway? So we can talk in person?”
I think in silence for a minute. He knows I’m not actually busy. My plans for today were with him. Which HE begged me not to cancel.
“Fine,” I finally respond. “Send me an address."
I towel dry my hair, throw some clothes on then head right out the door.
Roughly an hour later, I pull into a Denny’s parking lot. I see him standing by his car, and instead of waiting for me to get out and walk in together, he comes to me and gets in the passenger seat.
He leans in for a quick kiss as I hoped he would, and leans his forehead against mine for a quiet, comforting moment. Just being next to him has me feeling slightly relieved, so I sit there enjoying it before starting the conversation.
“Hi,” I say, which I’ve said hundreds of times at this point, but it suddenly feels awkward.
“I’m sorry about all this.” He says.
“Me too”
Then it’s quiet again.
“So what happens now?” I ask.
He sits up and stares forward out the window, then responds quietly. “I don’t know.”
My eyes immediately start filling with anger. “Then why am I here?” The first tears fall.
“Baby, please don’t.”
I cut him off. “You know what? Stop doing that. Quit calling me baby. Just stop. If you’ve meant anything you’ve said to me, your answer would be easy, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be ‘I don’t know.'”
He raises his voice and hits the car door. “None of this is easy! You have no idea what this is like for me.”
I fire back, loud and not caring who may hear now. “FOR YOU?! For you? Look at me. Look at what a freaking mess you made me! I’m sitting in a parking lot crying like an idiot over someone who doesn’t even want to be with me.”
“That’s not true, and you know it! We wouldn’t be in this mess if I didn’t want to be with you.” He argues.
“Then why can’t you say you’ll be with me now?” He doesn’t answer, and I shake my head. “No. See, we’re in this mess because you wanted to have an affair. Just like every other man in the world, you wanted to have your cake and eat it too, and now it isn’t fun anymore.”
He finally lowers his voice. “I wouldn’t have had an affair if I didn’t want to be with you. What kind of a person do you really think I am?”
“I don’t know. If that’s true, why can’t you prove it? We have the chance to be together, and you still won’t just DO it. All you have for me is more ‘I don’t know.'”
Now I sit straight and stare forward. He reaches over and puts his hand on mine.
“Listen, this just isn’t how I thought it would happen. I thought the whole thing WOULD be easier. But she looked… so… broken. I wasn’t expecting to feel the way I did.”
I pull my hands away, and my angry tears turn into frustrated laughs.
“And me?” I wipe the wetness from my cheeks. “What am I? This doesn’t look broken to you?”
He doesn’t say anything, so I keep going.
“Guess not. She gets to be broken, and I’m just a fool who fell for it all right?”
He finally takes a breath to say something, but I stop him.
“Get out of my car.”
“Baby.” He pleads.
I put my hand up. “I said, get out. I can’t do this anymore, Jimmy. You either want me or you don’t. It’s pretty simple.”
“Baby,” he whispers one more time.
“Please go. I have to work.” I whisper as I start losing strength.
He doesn’t say anything else, and seconds later, the sound of the car door slamming shut makes me jump, even though I knew it was coming.