Chapter 32 Jimmy
Jimmy
Autumn wants more, and Becca wants less.
Sounds simple, but then there’s me. I have no idea what I want, and neither of them will talk to me at the moment.
I want to talk to Becca, but she won’t reply to a single thing.
If she wants nothing to do with me, why can’t she just tell me?
And if that’s the case, what does she expect?
Even if staying apart means we’re going to have to talk and sort out how this is all going to work.
But she won’t tell me anything, and I don’t know what to do with that.
Then there’s Autumn, who told me exactly how she feels. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her as upset as I did that day, and I know I don’t ever want to see her like that again. There is a part of me that has always hurt when she hurts, and I can’t handle seeing her cry.
But I can’t give her what she wants until I talk to Becca. I know whatever happens with us, it will be much harder if she finally calls and I’m with her. I just can’t further things with Autumn until it’s really over with Becca.
But is it over with Becca? And why does that thought bother me now, too?
Maybe I shouldn’t have let Autumn leave like that back then. Thinking back to the last night on her porch, I know I should’ve begged her to stay, instead of being a dumb, prideful, nineteen-year-old boy. One who just assumed she’d always be there no matter what.
But I didn’t, so now I have to consider Becca’s feelings when I consider Autumn’s. And my own. I can’t figure out a way to do that in a way that works out for all of us.
Maybe I shouldn’t have jumped into a relationship with Becca when I did. But she was smart and determined, and once upon a time, she made me laugh, and I was done being angry at Autumn for leaving.
Those traits made her a great partner, and I knew she’d be a good wife.
She’d be damn near perfect if she weren’t so jealous.
I could deal with her need to keep up with the Joneses, but she’s far more anti-social than me and that’s always been a struggle.
I’ve also wondered if that plays a part in her jealousy, too.
I like to be out and about, and I like to talk to people.
She doesn’t. I’ve never been able to figure out if she is jealous because she’s insecure, or if she’s insecure because she’s jealous.
That’s also the biggest difference between her and Autumn.
There was never a question about Autumn being by my side, because her personality mirrored mine.
She loved to do things and have fun. Most of the time, I didn’t even have to tell her where we were going.
She didn’t ask me a hundred questions about where it was, why we were going, or who would be there.
She didn’t care about any of it if we were together.
I’ve also never known Autumn to have a problem with anyone, anywhere until now. Becca finds something wrong with just about everyone she meets.
That’s why I didn’t understand why she wanted to go to her reunion. She doesn’t like any of those people. She didn’t even like Chelsey at first, but at some point, they became real friends, and now I have to control my temper when I hear her talking about Autumn.
Naturally, she has nothing nice to say and doesn’t care that I hear it either. It’s clear whose side she’s on, and she only tolerates my presence because of my brother.
But it infuriates me. And I know if I get defensive with her, that will only make it worse. She’ll run right to Becca and twist my words into a pretzel shaped just right to piss her off.
So I don’t. But I want to defend Autumn because she doesn’t deserve what Chelsey says about her. None of it is true. She’s not a bad person, and even Becca should know that.
But I miss her. Each time my phone rings, I hope it’s Autumn. The cold shoulder from Becca irritates me, but from Autumn it hurts. So, despite everything I just thought a few minutes ago, I decide to try again.
Hey.
That's all I send. I don’t know exactly what to say. Do I beg, ‘please stop ignoring me?’ A message beeps.
Hi.
Well… It’s progress. My chest feels lighter, so I don’t beat around the bush.
I miss you.
She comes back.
I bet you do.
That stings. Is she still mad? Is she being sarcastic? Then she sends another one.
Cuz I miss you too.
Relief escapes my lungs.
I need to see you.
I tell her. She responds with the only three words I need to hear.
I'm off today.
My finger slides a sweaty wave of hair behind her ear as we lie in her bed, yet to untangle ourselves from the sheet. She’s lying on her back, half covered, and I’m leaning on my elbow, lost in her face as usual, when she looks up at me and smiles.
“I really did miss you.” She says breathlessly.
I smile back and kiss her. “I really did miss you, too.” I kiss her again.
“I thought you hated me, you know.” She says quietly.
I jump up with a scoff. “Hated you? Why would you think that?”
She looks down shyly. “When you didn’t call me back. I thought that was your way of telling me you hated me for leaving.”
“Call you back? When?”
She squints at me and looks as confused as I feel. “Around Christmas, the first year I was gone. I came home for break and called, then texted.”
My shoulders slump forward. All this time, I wondered why she never called, but she did.
How did I not know? “Autumn. I had no idea. I have never seen anything from you. I promise I would’ve called you back immediately if I’d known you reached out.
” Both of us are quiet for a minute. “Why didn’t you try again? ”
She shrugs, still looking down. “Like I said, I figured that was your way of showing me how it felt.”
Her eyes peek up at me, and they’re filled with sadness. I don’t like it.
“I could never ignore you even if I tried. Not then, not now, not ever, baby.”
She smiles and reaches her arm out, pulling me into her chest. We lay there in silence, and I wonder if she’s wrestling with the same emotions that I am.
I am happy and relieved to know she called. Us not speaking all that time confused me the most. I would’ve given anything to hear from her again. But I am also upset because how did I have no clue? Hearing from her probably would’ve changed my whole future.
“What did your text say?” I ask.
“I don’t remember exactly. Something like I miss you. Just wanted to talk, call me if you want to. So when you didn’t, I figured that was you saying you didn’t want to.”
The way I would’ve dropped everything if I saw her say she missed me back then…
“Can I confess something, too?” I ask.
“Depends on what it is.”
We both laugh. “That day we saw each other after you first moved back? At the diner?”
“Yeah?” She squints, playing with a strand of hair.
“That wasn’t an accident. I heard you were back and hoped you would be there.”
Her mouth falls open with surprise, but she doesn’t say anything. “I was extremely happy to see that I still knew you as well as I thought I did.”
“You did not. How did you know what time? Were you stalking me?” she playfully taps my shoulder.
“No, honestly, that was just pure luck. I couldn’t believe it.”
“I think that’s called fate,” she says and runs her finger along my arm.
I don’t know what else to say, so I don’t.
I just snuggle tighter into her. She wraps her arm around me, continuing to trace the muscles of my bicep with her finger.
I feel the heat from the skin on her chest match the skin on my face.
The sound of her heartbeat drowns out the voice that’s telling me I can’t stay.
But then again, why can’t I? I have nowhere else to go and, in this moment, everything feels calm.
I open my eyes to find my face buried in her hair and my arm tightly secured to her. We fell asleep. I try to pull my arm away without waking her, but fail. She rolls over, rubbing her eyes.
“I never nap.” She says.
I laugh, knowing this isn’t the first time she’s fallen asleep with me. “Me either.”
“What time is it?” she asks as she pushes herself up to sit.
She doesn’t hide herself with the sheet as she runs her fingers through the tangles in her hair.
I turn over to grab my phone off the floor, but the time isn’t what catches my attention. It’s a text.
From Becca.
GO FUCK YOURSELF
Well… Good to know that no progress has been made there.
I shake my head, annoyed, but the message also relieves some of the panic I just felt from falling asleep here.
Who cares what time it is? I really have nowhere else to be.
I drop my phone back down on the floor and roll back over to face Autumn.
“It’s after 6:00 p.m.,” I say as I lay my head on her thigh.
She puts her hand on my head and starts brushing her fingertips through my hair. It gives me chills. “Wow, we slept for three hours? What time did you get here?”
“Well, I got here around 1:30 p.m., but that’s definitely not what time we fell asleep.
” I squeeze her thigh, knowing she is extremely ticklish, and she hates it.
She immediately reacts, laughing but also jumping, trying to wiggle free of my grasp.
She continues thrashing about until she’s lying back down and now entirely underneath me.
I watch her eyes defensively dart from side to side, expecting me to start again, but I don’t. “Want to go get some dinner?”
Her eyes grow. “Like, go out somewhere? Together?”
I kiss her forehead. “Yes. You. Me. Food.” I kiss her lips. “Together.”
I know why she’s asking, and I know what this means to her because it’s exciting for me, too. This is what we’ve both been waiting for.
She shoves my shoulder, and I laugh as I dramatically fall onto my back. I keep laughing as she throws the sheet over me and jumps out of the bed, sashaying right to the shower.
The smile on my face remains fixed as I stare at the ceiling. Making her happy really is my favorite thing to do.
I love it almost as much as I love hearing her sing in the shower.