Chapter 33 Becca
Becca
Occasionally, I find myself staring at the half-empty closet.
The bathroom counter and shower shelves are just as bare. I started getting used to the feeling of his absence, but the physical sight of it is harder.
I spent an entire day packing up everything that reminded me of him.
I took down every picture, emptied every drawer, and bagged up every pair of shoes, not caring if they were the ‘nice’ ones or not.
They were all thrown into the same trash bag.
That was a good day for me. An angry playlist played loudly in the background as I used it as motivation to erase everything I could.
I knew it wouldn’t solve the problem, but it made me feel better in the moment.
What else made me feel better? Telling him exactly how angry I was. I still wouldn’t respond to any of his attempts at conversation, but every now and then I’d let him know how I really felt. ‘Go Fuck Yourself,’ ‘Rot in hell,’ and ‘You disgust me’ were a few of my favorites.
For about a week, I thought I was getting better. I accepted where we were, learning to live with the looks, and convincing myself that I’d just come out of this the better person. Better than either one of them, at least.
But then I made the mistake of going to do some work at Starbucks. The office had way too much of his stuff in it to pack up, so I just shut the door and pretended the room didn’t exist. I thought a change of scenery and expensive coffee would be good for me.
Had I been the only one with the idea that day, it would’ve been fine, but I wasn’t.
A few minutes into me minding my business and enjoying the savory aroma of coffee beans, Autumn’s best friend walks in, talking on the phone.
She was distracted with her conversation and didn’t notice me, but after getting her salted caramel iced coffee, she sat just within my ear’s range.
I could only hear her side of the dialogue, but it was obvious who she was talking to and what they were talking about.
The parts that caught my attention the most?
“Well, it’s about time that you guys did something besides have sex.”
“What movie did you see?”
“Has it been weird for him to be there in the morning when you wake up?”
“He did what?”
“Of course he did. He’s going to do all the cute crap he couldn’t do before to keep you from changing your mind.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. All of my executive function skills went right out the window, and impulse took over. As I lunged out of my seat, she saw me and immediately put the phone down.
“You think this shit is cute?” I yelled.
I could tell by her face she had no idea I was sitting just feet away. “Becca.” She tried, but I cut her off.
“No. You’re just as bad as they are. Never mind, he has a wife, right?!”
At that moment, I realized the whole store was quiet. Even the sounds from the coffee machines seemed to be missing. Everyone was staring. “You guys can have each other. All of you!” I grabbed my stuff and stormed out the door.
Now, not only was I the one that they felt sorry for, but I had just turned myself into the one who was losing it. That wasn’t how I wanted it. I wanted to be the one with her head held high, while they sulk around, ashamed because they know they’re wrong.
He cheated. Everyone knew this. They knew he was in the wrong. He was the bad guy. And her? She was worse. She knew he had a wife, and she did it anyway. But now I was the one screaming in a Starbucks while they were in bed together.
I drove home angrier than I had been the whole time.
How dare they? The audacity they had to just keep going like they were the ones getting a happy ending.
Did he really not care about me at all? He obviously didn’t care how this made him look, but did he also not care about how it made me look? Because it made me look pathetic.
I barreled into the house with the thought of burning all his things. At the very least, I was going to put them out in the front yard and let the elements have them.
But that’s not what happened.
As soon as I turned into my bedroom and saw all the boxes and garbage bags, I felt my soul finally leave my body.
The anger evaporated into tears. I fell straight down and cried for only the second time since I found out.
And this time I let it all out, sobs and screams, right there on my knees on our bedroom floor.
I spent so much time being angry that I hadn’t let myself be hurt. Hearing that they were actually together now was the real nail in the coffin. This whole thing was real. This was my life now. I was the one whose husband left her for someone else.
I sent one last message and decided that was going to be the last.
I hope you two are happy now. You deserve each other. <3
I hoped the heart on the end came off as sarcastic as I meant it.
After the Starbucks incident, I started trying to focus on the future, and the first week went fine.
I accepted our fate and started thinking about how things would work from here, how we were going to deal with all of the things that have to be dealt with, splitting apart and moving on from each other.
But somewhere in the few weeks that followed, I’ve found myself not so sure about anything. I’m not sure if I’m still angry. I’m not sure if I’m still sad. I’m not sure which one I’m supposed to be. And mostly, I’m not sure if I miss him or not.
I’m not sure I’m supposed to, but I’m also starting to feel like I’m not sure not missing him is possible.