Chapter 34 Autumn
Autumn
Everything was great. Not even great. It was perfect.
We went to dinner at a new place that neither of us had been to before.
He opened the door for me, and his hand sat securely on my lower back as we walked to our table.
He got a T-bone steak with a loaded baked potato and asparagus.
I got the parmesan-crusted chicken with risotto and broccoli. It was all delicious.
After dinner, we went to the movies. We saw The Final Destination, an obvious choice considering we had seen all the previous ones together. It wasn’t nearly as good as any of the others, but with his hand switching between resting on my thigh or pulling me into him, I could have watched anything.
We decided we weren’t tired when the movie was over, so we hit the concession stand on the way out and headed for the park. We walked around the pond with our fingers laced together, when we weren’t munching on cookie dough bites.
This particular park is between his place and mine, and a very popular spot for anyone in a thirty-mile radius. People from our hometown go there a lot, and they could’ve been there at the same time as us. Yet, there we were, strolling along the path, hand in hand, as a couple. Finally.
Once I couldn’t handle the chill anymore, we went back to my place. We got in the shower together, and the rest of the night was a story I’ll be keeping to myself.
It was the perfect day and the perfect start to our relationship, until it wasn’t…
The next morning, he went back to his brother’s and we talked until bed. The day after, the same. But then the next day, when I asked when I could see him again, the excuses began.
After a few days of excuses, the texting slowed. Now two weeks later, I’ve barely spoken to him. A few texts a day, usually an ‘I miss you too’ or ‘I love you too,' but that’s it.
I don’t know why or what to do about it. I want to ask him. I know I deserve an explanation for the repeated whiplash, but I can’t even get a full digital conversation, let alone a face-to-face one.
I can’t settle on one emotion that I feel. I’m sad and confused, but then also angry because why does he keep doing this? Nothing is stopping us now. But then I also catch myself trying to be understanding. Divorce is complicated and messy.
I want to be there for him, but maybe he needs to deal with some things on his own, you know, ‘figure it out.'
I also can’t help but fear that the confrontation between Kory and Becca may have played a part. The timing is suspicious, but now that she really knows, why would he pull away?
No matter what I’m feeling at any given moment, I always resort to being confused, so I try to stay busy.
It’s hard because I’ve been avoiding Kory, knowing she will make me talk.
The last few times we talked about the subject, she’s seemed to be slowly losing patience, especially after the Starbucks incident.
I’m not ready to hear the ‘I told you so’ tone in her voice, even though she won’t say the words.
Forcing myself to avoid her has made shopping really boring again.
If I could guarantee she wouldn’t bring up Jimmy, I’d much rather have her with me.
But instead, I’m here at the store, alone for the first time since I moved home.
On the plus side, without her as a distraction, I may have actually remembered everything.
Confident, I head to the self-checkout line, but as I turn the corner, my cart clips the shelf, causing a row of chips to tumble to the floor. They fall right at the feet of the person in front of me, and he bends down to help pick up my mess.
“I’m sorry about that.” I blurt out, embarrassed.
“Don’t worry about it.” He laughs, and I recognize the voice.
He looks up, and when I see the face, I know why I knew the voice. It’s Will, Jimmy’s brother. “Autumn. Hi.”
“Hey,” I say back and paint a fake smile, trying to hide everything that I suddenly feel again. They still look exactly alike.
He reciprocates with a kind smile. One you give to someone you’ve known for a long time, but also one that says he knows everything. Of course he does, that’s where Jimmy’s been staying.
“How are you?” I ask him.
“I’m good. You?”
I feel the fabrication of my smile fade just a bit.
Do I tell him the truth? Does he care? There are so many questions I want to ask him, but I doubt he’ll give me any answers, not to mention the grocery store line is probably not the place.
“I’m okay,” I say instead. “What are you doing around here?”
“I was just stopping on my way home. I went to visit Mom and grab some stuff for Jimmy.”
“Oh.” I know my face just fell even more by the look on his. He looks around us, then lowers his voice.
“Look, Autumn, I really do hope you’re okay. I’m sorry you guys got all mixed up in this.”
His comments almost make me cry again right here. Both because I know he’s genuine, but also because it sounds like something you’d say to someone who just got dumped. I take a deep breath, determined to fight the tears while I’m in here.
“I’m just really… confused at the moment. But I’ll be okay, I think.”
He nods and tightens his lips together, checking our surroundings again. Clearly, he doesn’t want to be seen on ‘my side.' “Just give him time.” He leans in for a quick half-hug. “It was really good to see you.” He says before heading to the open register.
Just give him time. I’ve given him time. I’ve given him years. How much more am I supposed to give before I finally run out?
The whole encounter rattles me. Scanning and paying for my items is a blur. My mind is racing more than before I came.
As I’m walking to my car, I see Will putting his cart away. Before I can stop myself, I call out his name. I see his shoulders tense, like he was hoping I wouldn’t do this, but he turns to face me anyway.
“Why is he ignoring me now?”
He rubs his fingers across his forehead. “I honestly don’t know Autumn. I don’t know anything he’s thinking right now, I promise.”
“Did he tell you we spent the weekend together?”
He looks at the ground. “He didn’t, but I kind of assumed when he didn’t come home.”
“All I keep hearing about is time, Will. Time to figure it out. Time, time, time, time. How much time can I give before believing I’m just being strung along?”
“I know. I feel for you. I really do. I meant it when I said I’m sorry.”
My fight ends, and the tears start again. They don’t fall, but my vision blurs as they gather in my eyes.
“I just don’t know what to do,” I whisper.
He pulls me into a gentle hug. “I’ll talk to him.” He releases me, resting a hand on each of my shoulders. “But you need to know I won’t sway him in one direction or the other. Becca is our family now, but you also don’t deserve to be in limbo.”
I nod and wipe my eyes. “Thank you, Will. I’m sorry too.”
“I know you are kid.” He says with a small smile before he turns around and gets in his car.
Once I get mine loaded and started, my playlist picks up where it left off, blaring Cruel Summer. I promptly turn it off, not ready to be reminded how cruel this one seems to have been.