Chapter 35 Jimmy
Jimmy
New gym, same light problem. Do these places do it on purpose to save on the electric bill?
None of the lights ever works properly. I wonder if they actually had them all functioning at once, if it would all give out and blow.
At this point, that seems to be a good metaphor for my life. I have no idea what I am doing, except that I know I am not all in on anything. And I fear that if I do go all in on something, it will all blow up in my face.
I haven’t tried to talk to Becca since I learned what that last text was about. I was right. She was definitely even angrier to find out we were still seeing each other. And the fact that she heard it from Kory, Autumn’s most reliable source, there was never even a chance at plausible deniability.
But I did love that weekend we shared, so why do I find myself hiding from her? From both of them, right when it starts getting good.
I don’t need a shrink to tell me I’m afraid. Becca was right. I’m a coward. Afraid of a divorce? Not so much. Afraid that there was so much electricity between me and Autumn that the whole thing might blow up? Yes.
I run through a few more sets before heading to the locker room. Sitting down on the bench, I stare at the checkered floor, letting my eyes adjust after having stared at the lights for so long.
I know I’m scared. I always have been, yet I do everything in my power not to appear that way. But of course, now I wonder if I hadn’t always been scared of how Autumn made me feel, we wouldn’t be in this situation now.
It almost always goes back to her prom night, and I remember more details each time I revisit the memory.
After the girls changed out of their lake-soaked dresses, and we out of our sand-smeared dress pants, we all went back down to the beach for a fire and some drinks. We found a soccer ball, and even though none of us actually knew how to play soccer, we started a lawless game.
Running around and kicking a ball in the sand wasn’t easy, and at some point, each one of us had fallen at least five times. But the game was filled with laughter, hers the only one I could really hear.
After having that moment watching her in the water earlier, I found myself doing it over and over again. Everything she did made me smile. Everything she said made me laugh.
She had on a T-shirt with little shorts and had taken all of the pins out of her hair.
It was big and messy from the wind and running around, but again I caught myself thinking that I had never seen her prettier, maybe even including two hours before, when each strand was neatly secured in place, and she was dressed like Cinderella.
Once she was cold enough to ask to wear my hoodie, I knew the night was about to be over. The fire was dwindling, and she was sitting in the sand, smiling up at me in my clothes and wild hair. I couldn’t wait one more second to ask her if she wanted to go to bed.
“With you?” she asked.
“Yeah, come on,” I said as I grabbed her hand and led her back into the house without saying goodbye to the rest of the party.
We each took turns in the shower, rinsing as much of the sand away as possible. I knew my mind was made up hours ago, but as I watched her work the brush through her wet hair, I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted her, but not just to sleep with her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to kiss her.
I didn’t wait until she was done untangling her hair.
I slowly grabbed the brush from her hand, and she looked up at me like the characters in every romantic movie she’s ever made me watch.
I grabbed her hand and pulled her up, and neither of us said anything.
It was obvious we were on the same page.
I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and went in for a kiss. I don’t think that kiss even ended until we were wrapped up together under the sheets, too tired to even say good night before falling asleep.
At some point, I woke up to her tossing and turning. Once she re-settled, she mumbled “I love you” in her sleep.
It made me smile, and then it didn’t. Although I wanted to say it back, that was the first time my fear showed its ugly head. I panicked and snuck out of the room to sit on the deck and think for a minute.
She was my best friend, and I had a feeling I loved her too. But everyone always said not to date your best friend because one of you will be hurt and the friendship will be over. So I couldn’t admit to myself that I was in love with her. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t risk giving her up in any sense.
So, I sat out there and thought about all the ways it could go wrong, not once thinking about how it could possibly go right.