Chapter 37 Jimmy
Jimmy
The fall air is finally crisp, but still comfortable.
I sit out on Will’s patio, enjoying the fresh air and quiet. It’s the first time in a week, maybe a while, that I feel like I can really breathe.
I didn’t understand why he moved all the way out here at first. Even after visiting a few times, I still didn’t get it. We were always city people. All of our family was there, including our mom, who we just found out is sick.
Living in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nothing but trees, never sounded appealing to me. But right here, right now, I get it.
I can hear nature, and I don’t think I ever have before.
Most people probably wouldn’t even describe nature as something you can hear, but you can.
I can hear the wind through the trees. I can hear animal sounds that are new to me.
You can’t hear a single person or car. Just air through the trees, rustling leaves, water in the distance, and unidentified animal sounds.
And then there’s the colors. The leaves have just begun to change, but you can see why people talk about the ‘beauty of fall’ out here. Each tree already has a vast array of golds, reds, oranges, and some greens. I understand now how this could be nice to get used to, especially on days like today.
Not too long after that epiphany, Will joins me at the table and hands me a beer. He knew from the start why I showed up here, even though we haven’t really talked about it much. I’m sure Chelsey was one of the first people Becca called, so he probably knew before I finished the drive out here.
Chelsey is exactly why staying here wasn’t exactly my first choice, but I just work extra hard to avoid her when she’s home, which unfortunately is most of the time.
“You know, I hate to say it, but I had a feeling you’d get yourself into a mess like this.” He says.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He looks at me with raised eyebrows. “You’re kidding me, right? The minute you called and told me she was back. I heard it in your voice. Plus, you feeling excited enough to tell me was a red flag too. That first dinner we had after she was here, I knew something was up with you.”
I stare off into the trees, listening but not responding. He keeps talking.
“I’m just saying. I’m not judging you, I’m your brother.
I’ve been there since you two met, and I know why you did it.
I get it. But now you have to figure out where to go from here.
You’ve hurt them both, and you can only fix it with one of them, and even that’s if you’re lucky.
You don’t get to keep both. It’s one or neither. ”
I nod my head, agreeing. “That’s the problem.
” I start “I don’t know. I really, really think it’s Autumn.
I am almost sure of it. I wouldn’t have just gone out and had an affair with some random girl.
I really thought she was my person back then, and when she left, I was lost. Then, when she came back, everything seemed normal again.
The only reason I find myself questioning it now is when I think of what everyone else will say, because I know it’s wrong.
But I also know I love her. I always have.
It feels like she is supposed to be in my life.
She’s been there for everything. Until she wasn’t, and then it was Becca.
And since it’s been Becca, I know we’ve been through our fair share.
She’s never stopped supporting me, until now.
She won’t even speak to me. We haven’t had an actual conversation since I left.
The only time she says anything is to tell me how much she hates me.
Yet I still wish she’d just talk to me.”
He nods and takes a drink. “Yeah, I do not envy you.”
We both laugh. “Thanks, that’s real helpful.” I take a drink myself.
“Okay.” He starts. “Here’s my real advice. Picture your future. Being old and having grandkids. Who do you see with you?”
I roll my eyes. “Autumn asked something similar.”
He laughs. “Well, she’s never been that dumb.” I laugh with him again, and he keeps talking.
“Let me say it like this then. How do you feel when you’re with Autumn?
Like you’re kids again, right? Like you did in High School.
When nothing else really mattered? Like you had no cares in the world?
” I nod. “You still felt that way because it was an affair. I know you don’t want to call it that, but that’s what it is.
True love or not, you can’t deny that part of it was fun because no one knew.
It was thrilling. You felt like a kid again because you didn’t have the real world attached to it. ”
I keep listening, and he keeps talking.
“With Becca, you don’t feel like a kid, because you’re not.
You guys have a real adult life together.
A good one at that. You both had goals, and you’ve reached them.
With that comes real-world stress and responsibility.
Subconsciously, when you look at Autumn, you think of sex and fun, and youth, but when you look at Becca, you think of the mortgage, the house that needs to be kept up on, and the groceries that need to be bought.
Life with Becca is definitely not going to be fun and exciting all the time, but it’s a good, healthy, stable life for two people not even in their thirties yet. ”
We both sit in silence, enjoying a couple of sips of beer. I hear what he’s saying, and he’s right. But I don’t feel like it makes it easier. He takes my silence as a cue to keep going.
“What I’m trying to say is if you choose Autumn, things will change. That carefree feeling will go away because eventually, all those real-life stresses will be included in that relationship too. Are you willing to start over with someone else, knowing how great you and Becca are as a team?”
I lean forward with my elbows on my knees. “But see that’s the thing.” I start. “Yes, we’re a great team, but I know Autumn and I are too. We always have been. I really can’t picture a future that she’s not in. I don’t know how to live without her.”
“But you do.” He argues. “You lived without her for ten years.”
“Yes, but she’s back, and it feels like she never left. We literally picked up, like, not a day passed. I don’t think Becca and I would have even gotten together if Autumn had never left.”
“But she did. And you guys did. Is that fair to Becca?”
“No, I guess not, but is it fair to me to stay with someone just because we signed a piece of paper if I love someone more?” I look back down. I couldn’t hate myself more right now.
“You’re right. It’s not fair to any of you, but it’s not about being fair at this point. It’s a mess you made, so you have to clean it up. Do you really love Autumn more? Or do all the memories just make you think you do?”
“I don’t know. Sometimes I really do, but then sometimes I really miss Becca. But I can’t get past feeling like me and Autumn have a second chance, and I’ll regret it if we don’t take it.”
“Look, I’m not on anyone’s side but yours.
But the reality is that Becca is your wife, and I haven’t heard you call her that one time.
This isn’t a breakup. This is a divorce.
And if it’s not, she doesn’t deserve an unsure husband.
You owe her that much. So, my last piece of advice is to make sure you are sure, no matter what you choose.
Becca doesn’t deserve it, and neither does Autumn, despite her being the ‘other woman.’ Maybe make use of this time that Becca is ignoring you to make sure what you have with Autumn is really what you want, or that it is over and done, door closed and locked.
You clearly started your relationship with Becca with Autumn’s door still propped open.
Don’t do that again.” He pauses for a brief moment.
“Also, don’t tell my wife I said any of this to you. I will deny all of it.”
We laugh, but it’s not really funny. I have always hated admitting when he’s right, but I think he is this time, too. I still don’t know what to do, but I know it’s always been Autumn. No matter how hard I tried to forget about her, I never could; I just got used to the absence.
But we have always been connected, and I don’t think anything can change that. Since she came back, I’m back to thinking about her everywhere I go. There isn’t one thing in this city that doesn’t have a memory of her attached to it.
I got used to her absence and pushed her out of my mind, but now that she’s back, I don’t think I can do it again.
I can’t stop thinking about her, knowing she could be just minutes away all the time.
Every time I go anywhere, I wonder, hope that I will run into her. I don’t know how to make that stop.
And I don’t think I can be with Becca while always thinking about Autumn.