Chapter 38 Autumn
Autumn
“Ugh, seriously, what is wrong with me?” I whine to Kory as we search for reunion dresses.
It’s tomorrow, and naturally, we waited until the very last second. Truthfully, I didn’t wait at all. I just didn’t plan on going, but as predicted, Kory insisted we ‘needed’ this.
“I could name a few things, actually.” She jokes. I glare at her. “I’m kidding. Geesh, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are in love with him. Always have been. He’s a dick. Always has been.”
I laugh. “Yeah, well, I’m not innocent. I did this to myself.”
“True, but he also could’ve just left you alone.”
I shrug and continue to shuffle through the hangers. I only made it four days ignoring him after her last update. We haven’t talked about it much since the confrontation at Starbucks. I hated that she got brought into it. I knew it bothered her, too, even though she wouldn’t say it.
“Have you guys been talking still?”
With hesitation, I nod, and she immediately shakes her head in dispute. “No, listen.” I start to defend myself. “I just don’t like how we ended things. I can’t explain it, I just know it’s not over.”
“That’s because it’s never been over, and I’m sure it won’t ever be until YOU finally say it is.
You know I’m always on your side, but come on, Autumn, think about it.
Why would he stop sleeping with you if he doesn’t actually have to?
Obviously, being married to someone else wasn’t a reason enough to.
I would never think bad of you, and I know how much you wanted this to be it, but I’m going to finally tell you that you’re better than this. ”
That hurts a little. I ignore the part of me saying that she’s right and continue looking for something to wear to this reunion, which he told me I should go to.
“But we haven’t even slept together in like two months. So, according to your theory, why is he still talking to me?”
“I hardly think a few messages a day count as talking. But either way, I don’t like it anymore,” she says. “I did hear that Becca is bringing a date, though.”
“I heard that too.”
“So, is he coming as yours?”
I roll my eyes. “He told me he would ‘probably’ come if I did. I don’t know what that means, but I guess we’ll find out. I still don’t really want to, I might as well walk in there with a giant red A on my chest.”
She shakes her head, “No. The A is for him; you’re wearing this. They’re going to stare, so you might as well show up ready for it.”
She hands me a long, silver, sequin dress that looks like a disco ball. I groan but don’t even argue with her. It’s better if I just let her pick, or we’ll be here forever.
For full nostalgic value, we get ready at my mom’s, and she is just loving it. She snaps all the pictures, the white porch rails and rose bushes returning for their role as the backdrop for all the traditional awkward poses. We let her have this one and go along with it, enjoying the laughter.
Kory has a short black dress on. It is satin with spaghetti straps and most definitely something she would not have been allowed to wear in high school.
But it looks amazing on her now, and she is stunning with her dark hair pulled up into a ponytail, with just a few strands left out and hanging by her face.
I went the rare route of curling mine. It has been so long since I had my hair like this, I forgot how much I like it.
I think I may do it more often. The long, loose waves hang over my bare shoulders and chest. My dress actually feels very high school era; I could not tell you the last time I wore something strapless.
Kory made a good choice, though. The sequins were deceiving; appearing stiff and scratchy, but it is actually very stretchy and comfortable.
It is the opposite of hers—long and bright silver to her short and black.
As usual, we are the yin to the other’s yang.
Once we finally make it to the school, we enter straight through the gym doors, and it’s decorated exactly how it would have been back then.
Black and red balloons fill every corner of the gym.
Tablecloths alternate between black, red, and white, with centerpieces of cardboard cut-outs that say ‘2009,’ ‘Go Eagles,’ and shapes of eagles themselves.
Fake dollar store flowers are mixed throughout, which seems like a weird combination to me, but it works for the occasion.
Our school colors are also represented in the copious amount of streamers that hang from the ceiling. I always wondered how they got them up there. Music from the late 2000s is playing at full volume. All of the faces look vaguely familiar, and they’re all starting to mingle and talk.
One of the hallway doors is open, and poster boards line the walls with throwback pictures. I was already worried about the looks I would get from people, and this definitely isn’t going to help. If there are pictures of me, he’s probably in them too, which means I’m honestly probably not in any.
This ‘small town scandal’ has been all everyone around here has been talking about, like we’re still students at this school.
Perfect time for a good ole’ high school reunion.
But do they actually care enough about it to not include photos of us because Becca will be here? Or do they just like to gossip?
I don’t waste time even looking through them; I just want to find out if he’s here.
Kory made a point yesterday, even if it wasn’t the one she intended to make.
If Becca has a date, why can’t he be here with one?
Why should I feel bad about being here with him if she is with someone else?
That’s what happens when people break up; They see other people.
I can’t find him, so we get comfortable at a table chatting with Morgan, Olivia, and a couple of other girls we used to hang out with.
During the conversation, I see Becca across the room, and she is, in fact, arm in arm with someone.
I don’t recognize who it is, but it really doesn’t matter.
She looks happy. Maybe my subconscious just wants her to be, but she actually looks the part.
And if she is happy, Jimmy should be able to be too.
She looks gorgeous tonight. She has a navy blue one-shoulder dress that tightens at the waist before growing into a slightly fuller skirt, and the style is very flattering on her.
Her chestnut hair is pulled back in a loose updo, with curls falling throughout.
When she turns, I notice a slit in the skirt, all the way up to her thigh. She also came ready to be stared at.
Both she and her date laugh as they talk, and she hugs other people as they walk by. I don’t realize I’m still staring until we lock eyes. The happy glow I have been watching instantly turns cold. Her hazel eyes suddenly look black. Neither of us looks away until my emotions take over.
I power walk for the door and stand outside, inhaling the fresh air like I haven’t taken a breath in hours. What is happening to me right now? I figured she would be here. Why am I fighting off a panic attack? I start fanning myself with my hands even though it’s only fifty-two degrees outside.
Do I finally feel it? The guilt I’ve been avoiding?
I knew what I was doing. I thought about it a million times.
I thought about her a million times. But I did it anyways.
Maybe it was easy to pretend like she didn’t exist when I didn’t see her, but she does exist, and she’s here, and that is harder to accept than I thought.
Resting my hands on my head, I take a deep breath in, when I hear him say my name. His voice melts away the thoughts piling up in my head. I turn around to see Jimmy walking up in a black suit, looking very much the same as he did the last time we were here.
“Are you okay?” he asks. I see concern in his eyes. I missed them so much.
“I’m okay. Better now. You look nice.”
He smiles, then kisses my cheek. “You don’t look too bad yourself.”
“I didn’t think you were actually coming,” I confess.
He looks away. “I wasn’t sure either, honestly. But I’ve been doing a lot of sitting around, so getting out sounded nice.”
We stand awkwardly in silence until I make another confession. “I’m glad you did. Can I hug you?”
He laughs as he takes me right into his arms and we stand there locked together.
“I miss you,” I say.
He hears me and reciprocates, then kisses the top of my head. I don’t move. I just enjoy this feeling and his familiar scent. He breaks away and kisses me. It’s not explicitly passionate, but rather gentle and intimate.
We stand there with our lips together, savoring every second we’ve missed. His hand feels so warm on my cheek. He feels it too because he pulls back and rubs my arms.
“Aren’t you cold?” I shake my head and lie, never wanting to stop. “Well, let’s get in here before you do get cold then.” As he says that, he laces his fingers into mine, and now I am beaming.
Tonight is the night we finally make it past this awkward stage of being a secret.
We can move on from ‘just friends’ to an affair, to a real relationship.
The guilt is gone now, because this is his choice.
We may not have gone about it the right way, but he wants to be here with me, so here we are.
I squeeze his hand as we walk through the hallways. I see the looks, but none of them matter right now. Kory sees us from across the room, and her eyes widen with a smile. Maybe she’ll get back on board. She doesn’t really have a choice.
Once across the gym, we sit for a minute at the table. He puts his arm around the back of my chair. I can feel his suit jacket sleeve on my back, and I can’t stop smiling. This is real. A couple of people stop by to chat, and he doesn’t shy away from me; he even kisses me on the cheek once.
Kory comes over and says hi, then a few more join. I am still aware of the ones acting like they will catch cooties if they come near us, but I don’t care. Jimmy’s friend Dom comes over, and they get lost in their conversation, so I get up to get us drinks.
I know I am the one glowing this time. It’s my turn.
As hard as it was not to see him lately, I know he needed that space to finally ‘figure it out’ as much as I hated each time he said that.
But tonight, we are here, and we are enjoying each other’s company without having to hide.
It’s finally our turn. I hurry to get back with our drinks because a slow song is on, and I want nothing more than to be back in his arms, in this room, swaying to the music, surrounded by all these people.
I approach him with his drink, but he doesn’t turn to grab it, so I nudge his arm. He still doesn’t turn towards me, so I follow his gaze to find what is so interesting.
Becca is slow dancing with her date.
I look back at him and realize his whole demeanor has changed. In an instant, so does mine. All the joy that was just beaming out of me? Gone. Kory also sees, and her eyes plead with me not to lose it. By the time I look back towards Jimmy, I realize why she is pleading.
He’s gone, and once again I’m left standing here by myself, confused.