Chapter 42 Jimmy
Jimmy
I’ve never fought for anyone before, and I think that’s why I feel so lost, why I’ve felt so lost this whole time.
I don’t mean to be cocky, but I guess I was just lucky.
The girls I liked always liked me back. Most of the time, I was the one to end things, and if I wasn’t, it didn’t really bother me when they left.
If they left, it usually had to do with Autumn.
They never had an actual reason, though. Becca does.
I know it’s my fault. This whole thing is my fault. What is even the first step in fixing it? Admitting I did it? Did that. Saying I’m sorry? Did that. Saying I’m sorry over and over again? Did that too. So now what?
Flowers are out of the question. She’s never liked flowers to begin with. I bought them for her once, and she tried to be nice, but I could see it all over her face.
Honestly, she’s always been hard to do anything romantic for because she doesn’t like any of those things.
Even after all these years, she’s hard to shop for because she doesn’t like surprises.
She likes order. She likes things to be the way that she thinks they’re supposed to be, with as little nonsense as possible in the way.
That includes gifts, because if I surprise her with something she doesn’t specifically want, it’s a waste of our money.
I gave up trying to surprise her a long time ago.
But I’m out of options, so even though she hates surprises, and she told me not to, I’m here outside a bar.
I had to see her on her birthday. I need to show her in any way possible that I really will do anything, and it wasn’t hard to figure out where she’d be.
I still know Izzy, and Izzy still knows everything about everyone, whether we like it or not.
With sweaty hands, I walk inside. I see her right away, with four or five girls who look vaguely familiar. It’s Becca that I hardly recognize.
She’s dressed in a way I’ve never seen before.
Her jeans are tight, cradling her hips. She has a gold top on that’s definitely new, and as she turns around, I see the middle of the shirt drops down loosely, damn near to her belly button.
I don’t know who this person is, because I’m having a hard time believing it’s my wife.
Her friends notice me before she does, and they obviously know who I am. I watch them whisper to her, and she looks up. I smile. She frowns.
“What are you doing here?” she asks as she stomps towards me. Her high heels click across the floor, something else she doesn’t normally wear.
“I told you I wanted to come.” I smile again, hoping she will too, but she still doesn’t.
“And I told you I was doing this without you.”
The heels she’s wearing bring her closer to my eye level than I think I’ve ever seen her before.
Now I can see that she also has on new makeup.
The dark colors covering her eyelids, coupled with the thick eyelashes, bring out the color of her eyes.
Her lipstick is bright red. A color she’s never worn before.
I’ve only ever seen that color on one other person. No, not right now.
I reach for her hand. “Come on, Bec, please. Can we have just one conversation? Please?”
She looks back at her friends, then pulls her hand away. “Fine. One conversation and that’s it. Outside.”
She grabs a jacket, a thin black one, not at all suitable for this weather, and walks towards the door. I follow. We sit down on the empty patio furniture. No one is out here because it’s December and freezing. I know she doesn’t plan to talk to me for long. I stare at her until finally asking,
“So how have you been?”
She glares at me. “Really? That’s what we’re going to do right now?”
I shake my head. “No, you’re right. I’ll get right to it. I’ve already said I’m sorry, but I’ll keep saying it. I’ll keep saying it forever until you accept it. I’ll do this as long as I have to. I know I have no right to, but seeing you with someone else...”
Her laugh cuts me off. “Yeah, I saw you staring. Staring while you were standing next to HER. We’re here because you were with someone else, remember?”
I knew that was coming. “I know. I said I have no right, but I’m telling you the truth, and I needed to see you. I needed you to see me say that I’m sorry. Not just hear it through the phone.”
“You sound ridiculous, Jimmy. I’m not your problem anymore. You don’t get to be offended that I was with someone else. It’s actually just making me angrier. You should go.”
“No, please, listen.” I plead. “I’m not saying I’m angry. I’m not. I’m just saying… seeing you with someone else… made me realize how much I miss you.”
She looks away before speaking again. “How many times are we supposed to do this, Jimmy? I believe you didn’t sleep with anyone before, but really, it’s all the same to me. How many times are we supposed to walk this tightrope of ‘are we actually okay or not?’”
I ignore the fact that these past fights she keeps referring to were baseless and all brought up by her insecurities. I just sit here and continue groveling, because I know that’s what she really wants.
“I know. I know. There aren’t enough ways I can say I’m sorry. There aren’t even enough words to describe how sorry I am. For all of it. Everything. I didn’t realize it then, but I was stupid, and I do now. Being without you, I see it all.”
She shakes her head. “I told you the last time was the last time. And that was nothing compared to this.”
“This is the last time. I promise you. We will never be in this situation again.”
She sits quietly for a minute, rubbing her shoes around on the cement. Her friends are at the door, scowling at us. She sees them and stands up.
“I’m going back inside to finish celebrating my birthday with my friends. We’ll talk more next week?”
I jump up. It’s not a yes, but it’s not another no. “Yes. Whatever you want.”
We hug for the first time in months.
“I’ll call you when I’m ready.”
“Happy birthday, Becca. I love you so much.”
She finally smiles and nods, then walks back to her friends. I stay on the bench for a while, with a smile on my face, ignoring the cold.
We’re going to make it. I know Becca, and if she’s decided to talk to me, she’s decided it’s going to be okay. We are going to be okay.
I just hope I am.