Chapter 41 Autumn
Autumn
Ican hear in his voice that he’s not happy when I call.
Obviously, the reunion upset him, but I didn’t expect it to last this long. I’m the one who should be upset. He left me there without even saying goodbye.
Had she not been there, we would have been finally moving forward.
We were hand-in-hand walking into a crowd of people.
He kissed me and put his arm around me. It wasn’t a secret anymore.
But when he turned and walked away without saying a word, then hasn’t talked to me since, it feels like we’re back to square one.
Actually, I think we’re farther back than square one. More like in the negative zone. After everyone found out and all the drama ensued, we’ve spent less time together than when it was a secret.
I’ve tried to face it. I’ve tried to listen to Kory when she ‘pointed out all the facts.’ I’ve tried to prepare for the worst, like my mom said. But I can’t give up. Not when we’re so close.
While it was true that we seem to be getting nowhere, I’m ready to fight for it. I need to spend time with him. We need to spend time together.
“How are you?” I ask.
“I’m okay. What about you?”
“I’m good. I have an idea, actually.”
“What’s that?” he asks.
“Let’s go away this weekend. I rented a Lakehouse.
Let’s get out of here and away from all the hotels, people, and drama.
Just us.” He doesn’t say anything. My voice saddens.
“I just want to spend time with you, away from it all. This has been a lot for me, too, and I just need to get away for the weekend. I really want us to spend it together. I don’t want to go without you. ”
He finally talks. “I don’t think I can this weekend.”
My heart sinks. “Why not?”
“Just not good timing. I think I have something going on with my brother.”
I’m quiet for a minute. “I just thought you’d want to get away from it all. From all the noise. Do you remember the Lakehouse?”
I feel like I hear a faint smile in his voice when he responds. “I do. And I would. I just can’t this weekend.”
I accept the rejection. “Okay then. See you soon though?” I ask.
“Yeah, soon.”
“Okay then. Soon.” I repeat, not knowing what else to say.
This isn’t how our conversations go, and just like that, it’s over.
Kory came with me, although it wasn’t what I wanted. I tried to be hopeful he would change his mind. A whole weekend, just us, was all I wanted. Time for us to just talk and ‘figure it out’ together.
I thought the sentiment would win him over. December wasn’t the time of year most people would go to a Lakehouse, but it was special to us. At least I thought it was, but once again, maybe it was just special for me.
I know he loves me now, or he wouldn’t have just willingly been at a public event with me. They’d all heard about it, but now they’ve seen it. That’s why we needed time alone. Time away from everyone’s judgmental comments and uninvited opinions.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that what we have isn’t real, I’d be able to be on vacation for the next two years. But I know it’s real. It always has been, and he’s finally on the same page, so I don’t want to give up.
At least that’s how I felt before we got here yesterday. But already in this short time away, I’ve started to figure out that we are really still right where we have always been, just with more complications. He’s had so many chances, both then to say that he wanted to be with me, but he didn’t.
And now we’re doing it all over again.
Even though she wasn’t the guest I intended to have, Kory is still the greatest best friend I could ask for. She is being so supportive and doing everything I need her to do without me asking. She’s always been great at that, though, knowing the right thing to do at the right time.
She’s been here to just listen and talk, but has also given me the perfect amount of space.
If I wanted to go out on the town and keep myself busy, she was down.
If I wanted to lie on the couch with a blanket and a sad movie so I could blame my tears on that, she was down for that, too.
Even though we talked about going out and I knew she wanted me to, I just couldn’t do it. I was a mess.
While the couch and a movie sounded great, I spent most of the weekend in one spot. The very same spot I’m sitting in right now.
The Lakehouse has a reading nook up in the loft. It is a small, cushioned spot that sits right against a big bay window looking out on the water. The tall panes give a clear view of the tranquil scene; the seemingly unending water, slowly lapping on an empty beach.
There is hardly ever anyone on the beach in the cold. Not even the seagulls. But the water hasn’t frozen, so it’s the one thing in view that’s moving, all by itself, back and forth, over and over again. I stare at it, hoping it will put me in a trance.
But it doesn’t. Sitting here is actually doing the opposite for my brain. It’s such a beautiful view of the lake, and so close to where I did the morning after prom; instead of hypnotizing me, it’s just become my favorite place to cry.
The stairs start creaking underneath Kory’s feet as she climbs them, coming to check on me again.
Her steps keep getting closer until the light from the lamp is blocked by her standing in front of it.
But I don’t turn to face her. I don’t wipe my cheeks or pull the side of my head off the cold window. I don’t move at all.
“Hey,” she says quietly as she sits down next to me.
I don’t respond, and she doesn’t push me either. She just joins me at my silent showing of the lake.
“How cold do you think the water is?” I finally ask.
“Uhm, probably freezing considering we’re supposed to get snow tonight.” I nod my head in quiet agreement. “You thinking about going for a swim?”
“I don’t really know what I’m thinking right now,” I whisper.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“I don’t even think there’s anything to talk about at this point.”
She blows frustrated air through her lips. “Of course there is. It may not change anything, but there’s plenty to talk about.”
“I don’t know, K,” I finally cave. “I don’t know anything. What am I even doing?”
“Right now? You’re wallowing and taking time for yourself, which personally I don’t think is such a bad thing as long as you plan on returning to being a normal functioning adult before we leave.”
I shoot her an irritated look because, for the first time, this is not the time. She’s got me talking, but wants to be funny. I’m not in the mood for her funny.
“Fine,” she concedes. “Just tell me what’s been going through your mind up here, and I’ll be quiet and listen.”
“I just don’t understand what is so hard for him. It was so easy and so good, then he just changed overnight. I don’t understand how a feeling supposedly so strong can be one-sided. He can’t possibly feel the same way I do, or I wouldn’t be sitting here with you, no offense.”
“None taken.” She throws both hands up.
“I’ve never felt not good enough before for anything.
I mean, I guess I did a little bit back then, but I also never made much of an effort to try ‘us’ then.
This feels…” I pause to sniff the snot that is trying to escape my nostrils.
“This feels like garbage, like I’m nothing to him, when he’s everything to me. ”
She scoots closer to me and sets her hand on my leg.
“Hey, hey.” Her voice is calm and comforting.
“You are not garbage, and you are not nothing. Don’t ever think that about yourself.
Ever.” I wipe my cheek. “I know how bad you wanted this, and honestly, I wanted it for you, too, because I know what he’s always meant to you.
But Autumn, a relationship that makes you feel this way is not a relationship worth being in. ”
I don’t argue with her. I can’t argue with her. She’s right.
With nothing else to say, I just lean my head into her. She wraps her arms around me, pulling me in tight. “I love you, Autumn, but I hate this for you.” She says as I allow violent sobs to fall into her chest.
I want to fight for him so badly it feels like it’s killing me. I keep begging my heart to let it go and to give up, but it just keeps telling me to scream at him. To somehow beat it into his head that we’ve come this far, so we can’t stop now.
But despite my will to fight, I feel my heart finally losing. Something else inside is starting to scream at me instead, drowning out my heart’s voice.
Screaming that no matter what he said to me all summer, no matter what I did, no matter how much or how long I’ve loved him, no matter how much I know he loves me, he is never going to be mine.