Chapter 40 Becca
Becca
Ihad to hang up on him, or I might have caved.
I knew it would happen. I knew he would feel like crap seeing me with someone else, which is why I told him I wasn’t going.
It was the only time I responded to one of his questions.
He asked me if I was still going, and I said most definitely not, even though it was most definitely a lie.
That’s why Stephen was my date, but that’s all he was.
All he is. A friend from work, who offered some moral support with a side of pettiness.
Plus, I am as far from his type as one could be.
I knew I would need that support when I saw her, especially if they had the nerve to show up together like I suspected. I went in with a plan to ignore her, because I didn’t want to get emotional and cause a scene again. I have dealt with more than enough people in my business lately.
I do accept some of the responsibility for that part, though.
I was pretty heated that first day and had no shame in telling whoever would listen what he did to me and who he did it with.
Plus, I couldn’t decide if his being with Autumn was worse than if it had been with some stranger he met at work or something. I felt like it was worse.
I mentally prepared ahead of time to be the bigger person.
One thing I was not going to allow to happen was a repeat of Starbucks.
But then, actually seeing her reignited so many feelings.
Anger, hurt, betrayal, jealousy. I hated her so much, but I still couldn’t stop staring at her.
She looked beautiful, and that made me hate her more.
Watching her contagious smile spread to everyone she walked by just made me feel even smaller.
Then she saw me, and as we stared at each other, I started to see past the facade. There was sadness in her eyes. Was it me? Did she actually care about what she’d done to me? Or was she sad because she ended up there alone, and I didn’t?
The look in her eyes got me feeling more strong than small. I held eye contact with her, and it felt like I was saying ‘Yup. I’m here and I’m okay.’
I kept my eyes on her until she ran out the door. Stephen stood watchfully next to me the whole time. He knew what was happening—I’d shown him plenty of pictures—and asked if I was okay once she ran. I confidently told him I was good.
After seeing her alone, I thought Jimmy hadn’t had the nerve to show up.
But when she came back into the room, there he was, holding her hand with a smile on his face.
Her smile was back, too, and I realized she didn’t give a shit about what she did to me.
She was sad because he wasn’t there. Now there they were.
The sight took away some of the strength I had just gained.
Feeling like I was going to pass out, I sat down with my head resting in my hands.
Stephen followed me and, as the saint he is, convinced me not to do that.
Not to hide and let them ruin my night. I had just as much right to have a good time as they did.
After all, Jimmy was the one who initially pointed out that this was my reunion, not his.
By the time I collected myself, a slow song had come on. Stephen further insisted that I not let them win and to get up and join him on the dance floor. I conceded but buried my face in his chest to avoid the rest of the guests looking at me.
“Mayday Mayday,” he whispered. “Don’t look now, but he sees us. He definitely sees us.”
I didn’t say anything back, just waited until our slow sway circled me to face that direction.
He was staring alright, as Autumn stared at him.
She looked at him, then at us, then back at him.
The glow that appeared when he did was gone.
His eyes were angry, and the sadness in hers had returned. I should’ve felt bad, but I didn’t.
So, I wasn’t at all surprised he started calling me almost immediately. But I don’t know what he expects me to do. Or what I even want to do. Of course, I still love him. I’ve tried not to. I’ve tried to hate him, but I can’t. I only hate her.
It did feel strange to finally see him again. I knew then that despite my anger, I really did miss him, but I still can’t bring myself to talk to him. How can I let this go?
We went from young college kids to successful adults, and we did it together. I fell for him immediately, and I didn’t know for a long time if he felt the same. I also knew I would love him forever. So even with the fear of being hurt eventually, I still went all in.
He was the only reason I stayed together when my dad died. If it wasn’t for Jimmy, I would’ve thrown all that schoolwork away and never looked back. But he was there, empathetically by my side the whole time, and helped me both heal and stay on track, which was normally my job.
Now here I am. I feel like I don’t know him at all anymore. And I’m trying to get over the worst imaginable thing a wife can.
I knew he’d come back, but I’m also well aware that I am not actually the ‘only one’ for him. I never have been, and we can’t hide from that anymore. That’s why I finally decided that it is worse that it is her versus a stranger.
I know he loves her. I know deep down he does, and as much as I hate her, I know she loves him too. Nothing I can do will change those feelings. Can I live with that?
Can anyone?