Chapter 44 Jimmy
Jimmy
Aweek passes with no call from Becca.
No calls from Autumn either, although I didn’t really expect one.
I anticipated it being bad, but the hatred I felt from her, the look in her eyes, was indescribable.
I thought Becca’s face bothered me, but Autumn’s?
Autumn’s was something entirely different.
Autumn’s will haunt me. Was it possible I hurt her more than my wife?
Everything she said to me was right. I didn’t deserve her.
Then or now. I didn’t deserve to ever even know her if this was what I was going to do to her.
I know I got used to her absence before, but when she left then, it wasn’t the end of a friendship.
It felt abrupt and confusing, but it never felt like the end. This was different. This was the end.
And like she said, I have to live with that. She was also right when she said it would hurt like death. I have to mourn the death of the greatest, longest friendship I’ve ever known, and the fact that there is no way she can ever be in my life again. I have to mourn, and I have to move on.
I know Becca said she’d call, but I couldn’t wait for her anymore.
I have to know I made the right choice. I drive to our house, hoping her schedule hasn’t changed in the few months I’ve been gone.
Thankfully, as I pull in the driveway, her car is there.
So I sit in mine, trying to prepare what I’m going to say. Nothing sounds right, so I just go.
Knocking on my door feels so foreign, but I do it anyway, and to my surprise, she answers right away.
“Hey,” I say.
“What are you doing here?” she asks, but friendlier than last time.
“I don’t know really. But you haven’t called yet, and I had to try something.”
“Why didn’t you call?”
“I don’t know. Because I’ve already tried that? And I want to show you that I’ll try anything. I needed to see you, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized I just needed to be here. Please don’t make me add this to my list of regrets.”
I smile nervously and, shockingly, so does she.
“Okay, come in.”
An even stranger feeling than knocking on my door is feeling like a stranger in my own home.
I follow her to the kitchen like I don’t know where I’m going.
Rex flies down the hallway and nearly takes me to the floor.
I missed him, too. Becca grabs two waters out of the fridge and hands me one.
We sit down across from each other at the island, the spot where we’ve always sat and talked the most.
“So do you have a speech prepared?” she asks, “I saw you practicing in the car.”
She smiles. I smile. We’re getting somewhere.
“No, I don’t. I don’t know what else to say, but I needed to do something. I didn’t even know if you’d let me in, but I had to show you I’m still trying. So I’m here, trying. Anything and Everything.”
“Well, I told you we could talk.”
I nod. “And I appreciate that.”
“But I have some things to say, too. If we’re going to move forward, you’re going to tell me the whole truth, answer every one of my questions, even if you think I don’t want to hear it.”
“Anything you want,” I tell her.