Chapter 45 Becca
Becca
Just like I knew he’d call after the reunion, I also had a feeling he’d just show up at some point if I kept avoiding him.
I told him ‘next week’ just to give me time to get my thoughts together, and I’m honestly surprised he waited the whole time.
I knew deep down that if he still wanted to be married, I would stay and work it out. But I needed him to be gone to make that choice. I want him to choose me because he wants me, not out of legal obligation. The reunion date may have been a petty push, but I could’ve done worse.
But now he is here, and if we are going to do this, I want everything on the table, even if it hurts.
I know I told him that first night, I didn’t want to hear him admit any of it, but I can’t move on with him with secrets still hanging above our heads.
And I won’t look stupid again, so I need to know everything.
“Anything you want.” He says.
I take another drink of water and begin my interrogation. No more avoiding anything. “Did you guys ever actually date in high school?”
He looks at me like I’m crazy, and maybe I am, but as I said, I’m done wondering about anything that relates to the two of them.
“No?” he answers with question in his voice.
“But you guys had to have been sleeping together?”
“We did, but only twice. Not like everyone assumed.”
I nod my head, both surprised and somewhat pleased with that answer. I was right, but I was also one of those people who assumed way more than twice.
“Did you talk to her while she was gone?”
He immediately shakes his head. “No. I truly had not spoken to her since she moved. I didn’t even know she was moving back until she was practically already here.”
“Practically?”
“Yes. I heard rumors she was moving back, but I didn’t even really think they were true.”
I nod. “Did you message her first?”
He put his head down. “Yes.” He looks back up. “But I didn’t mean for this to happen. I just wanted to catch up with an old friend. We had lunch and that was it.”
“But then you obviously kept talking?”
He nods again. I wait for him to say something else, but he doesn’t, so I continue instead.
“When was the first time you slept with her? This time around.” He rests his head in his hands. “You said you would answer,” I insist.
“When you were gone for graduation.”
I nod. That’s what I suspected once I started putting pieces together. “I’m just going to assume that this wasn’t a one-time thing?”
He looks back down at the floor and shakes his head no.
“So you found a way to keep sleeping with her? How many times?”
“I don’t know.”
That stings a bit, but I asked for it. “Did you ever bring her here?” My voice drops, fearing the answer.
“No,” he says adamantly.
“When was the last time you slept together?”
“A little while ago.” He says right away. “I swear. I just couldn’t deal with anything or anyone. I was so confused, I just started avoiding her. I don’t remember, honestly.”
“So, it wasn’t just after your little date to the reunion?”
He shakes his head. “No, I left her there.”
A giggle slips out. I knew that, but just wanted to hear him say it. But then I get right back to business. “Sorry, okay, when was the last time you saw her?”
He looks me straight in the eye. “Three days ago.” I tilt my head to the side, and he continues.
“But it was to end it. I hadn’t seen her since the reunion.
If you want me to be honest, I knew I was going to hurt her, too, so I was still avoiding her and the conversation.
” I stand and listen since I have a feeling there is more.
“She kissed me. Or I kissed her. I don’t remember, but we kissed, then I stopped her and told her it was over, and I wanted my wife. ”
I was going to ask who broke it off. “Yeah, and how’d that go?”
He looks at me, confused. “Not well. But it’s done. We haven’t talked since, and even if I wanted to, I’m positive she wouldn’t.”
“Even if you wanted to?” I questioned.
“I didn’t mean it like that. Not saying I want to. I’m just saying, I know it hurt her. She hates me and rightfully so. Rightfully so for both of you.”
“Did you tell her you were going to leave me for her?”
“I may have given her that impression.”
That’s not an answer to me. “Did you or did you not, Jimmy?”
“Okay. Yes. I did. I’m sorry.”
“I can see why she hates you.” I sit and ponder for a minute. “Do you love her?” He stares at me. “Answer the question, Jimmy.”
He takes a deep breath. “Yes, I do, or I did. I don’t know. It’s not the same as being in love with you. It was my past, and I shouldn’t have let the two mix together. I know I am in love with you. I want this. I want my wife. I want our life.”
I sit on that for a minute. I already knew he loved her, and I appreciate him not lying to me about it. “Well, lucky for you,” I start, “Even though I keep trying, I can’t hate you. So now what do we do?”
He shrugs, “I don’t know. I was hoping you would tell me.”
I tap my fingers on the counter, then begin the speech that I had prepared and practiced.
“What you did was NOT okay, and I’m telling you right now that I don’t know for sure I can get past it, but I can try.
I know you two have a long history. I honestly couldn’t believe how lucky I got when she left, and then you asked me to go to that party with you.
” I take a breath. “And I know that history means feelings for each other. This summer made that clear, and those won’t just go away, no matter how bad I want them to.
I also know you love me. But most importantly, I know that I am not her and I never will be.
If I am who you want to be with, we can do this.
I’ve never seen myself with anyone else.
I never even had a picture of my future until we started painting it together. ”
I pause, watching him listen.
“But we’re too old to not know what we want.
I want you, but I only want you here if you truly want to be here.
Your family is my family, and I love them.
I don’t want that to change. Whether I like it or not, I know there’s a little piece of your heart that’s always been hers and probably always will be.
But if you can leave that piece in the past this time and I can have the rest of it from here on out, that’s enough for me. ”
He walks around the island to be closer to me and grabs my hands. “That is everything I want. I married you to be with you. I’m so sorry that I let it get like this. But I promise this is what I want. Right here, right now.”
I let my guard down for the first time since August and lean into his chest. He wraps his arms around me, and suddenly the air in this house feels a million pounds lighter.
We’re going to be okay.