Chapter 50 Jimmy
Jimmy
Neither of us talks for a few minutes.
We walk in thick silence, watching Em and Allie scamper around, picking at grass and late-season dandelions and searching for butterflies.
I listen to the splashes from the fountain. I inhale the smell of fresh-cut grass nearby. I feel the roughness of the denim as I rub my sweaty hands on my jeans. I focus on the bright colors of the flowers throughout the greenery. Anything to keep me grounded.
I only looked back twice, and she only saw me the first time. I know her smile meant goodbye, and as much as it hurt, I was so glad this one went differently from the last.
We make it to the other side of the pond, where the girls get distracted by the vast number of dandelions in one patch. They run into them, and we sit down at a bench to let them explore. I focus on my daughter but struggle not to picture Autumn out there playing with her.
I often wonder where Emery got her blonde hair from. Genetics is a funny thing, and I’m convinced that the ones she got are just fate’s cruel way of constantly reminding me of someone else.
“How’re you doing?” Will finally asks.
I don’t even plan to play dumb. I’m sure he’s been wanting to ask me questions for years.
When Becca and I got back together, no one in the family asked questions, including Will.
We all just moved on, leaving it all behind us.
I’ve never told him the full truth about how I’ve felt since, and I’m still not sure if I can do it now.
“I’m okay,” I say.
He looks at me, waiting for me to say more, but I stay quiet. “Are you sure?” he prods.
“What do you mean? I’m good.” I know I sound frustrated. I am, but not at him. Frustrated at myself because I’m losing it. He notices my agitation and laughs.
“Whatever you say.”
The girls are still frolicking, so I follow up with another question. “What do you want me to say?”
“You don’t have to say anything. We just haven’t talked about it. I figured after that you might want to.”
I sigh. He’s right. I do kind of want to. I’ve wanted to get it off my chest. I just didn’t expect anyone to understand. But at the same time, if anyone would be willing to try, it’s him.
“I still think about her all the time. I never stopped.”
He nods like that’s what he was expecting me to say. “What do you think about?”
“Everything,” I confess. “I wonder what life would be like if any one of us had made one different decision. Especially me.” He listens.
“Like what would it look like if I chose Autumn. Where would we be right now? Or what would’ve happened if Becca told me to go to hell?
I’m sure in that moment I would’ve run back to Autumn, who probably would’ve slapped me in the face.
” He laughs. I keep going. “I also wondered what it would’ve been like if Autumn were a different type of person.
One that wouldn’t have respected my choice.
Would she have kept fighting for me? Made mine and Becca’s life a living hell? ”
“I wondered all those things at first, too.” He confesses. “I started working on my speech to Chels, convincing her that Autumn is not the devil, and they’d probably love each other.”
That makes me laugh. Allie falls, and we both brace ourselves for tears, but she gets up and all is well.
“I think a lot about that conversation we had at your house. I was so sure then that it was Autumn. It wasn’t until I was already back home that I started trying to figure out what changed, why I changed my mind so fiercely, because I missed her so much. ”
He puts his head down like he’s finally disappointed in something I’ve confessed. I probably should shut up, but now that I’ve started unpacking all of this, I can’t stop.
“I know. That makes me sound like a real asshole, but it’s the truth.
Once I was back home, the differences between the two were front and center like never before.
Yes, things would’ve been different for me and Autumn, but I know it would have been good.
I missed her free spirit, her always-happy personality.
I still do. I always felt the most like myself when I was with her. ”
“I don’t think you’re an asshole.” He starts. “I think it’s good that you’re finally being honest with yourself.”
Emery laughs. Allie squished the dandelions in her hand, and they discovered the yellow stain it leaves behind. Now they’re picking them just to squish them.
“I don’t regret my daughter,” I say boldly. “And I don’t regret being married to Becca. But I do regret not giving me and Autumn a real shot.”
I know that makes no sense. But I don’t try to defend it. He doesn’t question it either. “Did you try and talk to her at all after you went back home?”
I shake my head. “No. I knew better than that. I did try to look her up, just to see how she was doing. I was a mess, and I was hoping she wasn’t. Or maybe I hoped she was as messed up as me, I don’t know. But then, when I did, I realized she blocked me altogether. That hurt.”
“What are you going to do now?”
“Nothing. Whether I like it or not, it’s over. Even if Becca were to up and leave me one day, there’s no turning back. Plus, she’s happy with someone now…”
My thoughts trail off. I’m happy that she’s happy, but that feeling in my stomach is back.
She’s with someone and said it’s serious.
The thought bothers me. I want to know about him.
I feel protective and irritated that I’m still blocked, so I can’t know anything about who he is, even though I have no right to anyway.
“Are you going to tell Becca you saw her today?”
I laugh. “Are you kidding? No. We ran into her mom one time, and she had an attitude for the rest of the day because I talked to her for ‘too long.’”
“Great, so now I have to lie to my wife too?” he asks.
I look at him, hoping he’s joking. Thankfully, he follows it with a laugh. “I’m kidding. I got you on this one, but promise me you won’t get me mixed up in anything worse.”
I nod my head, and we’re quiet for a minute while I zone out on the dandelions. I picture her here again. I know she’d be out there, down in the grass, having just as much fun as the kids, not worried about getting her clothes dirty. It makes me smile.
Emery looks at me, holding her handful of dandelions up like a trophy. I still see Autumn, clapping proudly behind her. How can I look at my whole world and still wonder if things could’ve been different?
I do miss the fun I had with Autumn. I know it wasn’t just the affair because we always had that much fun.
I know we still would as ‘grown adults.’ Why couldn’t we?
Aren’t you supposed to enjoy life with your partner?
She was my best friend, and no one else has ever come close.
No one has come close to making me feel the way I feel about myself when I’m with her.
But that’s all gone. And just as she said those years before, I have to live with the fact that I’ll never even know my best friend again.
And just as I feared, now that I’ve seen her again, I’m struggling with the thought of that.
“You didn’t lock that door like I told you to, huh?” he finally asks in a low voice I barely hear.
“I can’t when she has the key.”
Giggling interrupts as my little girl runs up to me, hands in the air, covered in a mess of tortured dandelion petals.