Chapter 51 Autumn
Autumn
Iget back to my mom’s and make myself a drink.
Tyler is still in his meeting, and my mom is taking a nap, so I sit on the porch by myself.
I think about the morning and realize that I’ve never felt so content.
I smile as I take a sip and picture Jimmy’s smile with his daughter.
He seemed so effortlessly a dad. I could see his joy when he looked at her, and for some reason, it meant so much to me.
The awkwardness that I expected when I mentioned Tyler only lasted for a quick second. He smiled, and I could see in his eyes that he was happy for me. I was more thankful for that than I expected.
I could also see a familiar look on his face.
The look that led me to believe he had questions he wouldn’t ask.
And even though he didn’t ask them, and we didn’t say much, I feel like today finally gave us the closure we needed and the ending we both actually deserve. I am happy and I am doing good.
I sit and continue to think about it all.
That summer was a whirlwind, and thankfully, I can finally look back on it now with happier feelings.
We were so lost in the ‘what could’ve been’ story that we got swept away in it.
I know I did. In my mind, we were almost there, right at the finish line, and that was enough for me.
I lived for every chance I got with him and didn’t care about anything else.
I didn’t need anything else other than him.
I loved him more than I loved myself, even though he was never even mine.
But then seeing him today as a dad, I know there was and is so much more to life than the feelings we had as teenagers.
While enjoying the sunlight, I hear the door open.
Tyler comes out onto the porch and gives me a kiss.
I stare at him and revel in the peace I feel from this exact moment; the closure from my past, and the happiness that comes from the person sitting next to me now.
I look over at his tan skin, nearly shimmering in the light.
He looks at me and smiles; I see a sparkle in his blue eyes.
I’ve never met anyone with his caramel complexion and such light-colored eyes, but I could literally stare into them for hours.
Just looking at him makes me happy, and just being near him makes me feel safe.
We met about a year and a half ago, coincidentally, at a park.
One thing I learned in therapy was to get back to finding happiness with myself.
Loving myself again and being okay being alone.
I took that advice and started regularly going to the park to walk whenever the weather was nice.
No matter where I was living, I could find a park somewhere, and that’s exactly why I was there today.
I had been in Jersey for about two months. He approached me once and asked for my number, but I politely declined. But then I saw him again. I didn’t pay attention to his eyes the first time, but they won me over that second time.
We talked for a couple of weeks, then eventually went on a date, and another, and then another.
We only dated for a couple of weeks before making the relationship official.
Then we only made it five months before he told me he loved me.
The whole thing moved fast, but I was more than ready to be happy and loved again.
Giving him a chance was perfect timing, too, because I had already started thinking about leaving the travel nursing behind. I really liked Jersey, so the search for a local job was already happening before the thought of a relationship.
A little over a year later, here we are at my mom’s house, where earlier he had asked me to move in with him when we got back. That’s another reason I was at the park: to clear my head and think about taking that next step. He smiles, and I realize I am still looking at him.
“What are you thinking?” he asks. “You’re staring at me. It’s getting creepy.”
I smile. “Just thinking. About you. I’m happy you came here with me.”
He smiles back and steals my cup for a drink. “Me too.”
“Also,” I started. “I think it’s a good idea.”
“What’s that?” He hands me back the cup, and I take a drink. “Moving in with you.”
He grins ear to ear. “Great, because I already told your mom you were when we got back. Also, Kory’s coming back with us to help.”
I stare at him with a surprised smile. In moments like these, I realize that I’m still not used to some of the smallest things. Telling people. Going behind my back to plan something.
I was so committed to doing whatever it took to be with Jimmy, secrecy became ingrained too deeply in my brain. Just the thought of being back here, in this town, sitting on this porch, visibly in love, makes my heart swell more.
I have no words. We both laugh as he stands up and comes closer, grabs my hands, and lifts me up to stand. He wraps his arms around my waist, and I throw mine around his broad shoulders. We hug each other tightly.
“I love you a lot, you know that?” he says into my hair.
I hug him tighter. “I know. I love you so much, too.”
Still enjoying his arms around me, I see a familiar red car drive past the house. It slows near the driveway like it’s going to stop, but then continues down the street. The shape of the car seat in the back seat confirms why it looks familiar.
I watch the car shrink in the distance, and for some reason, my smile grows. I don’t know why he came here, but I know it doesn’t matter anymore.
Tyler’s arms are still loving me tightly, standing in the same spot that Jimmy and I stood in fourteen years ago, saying goodbye.
The same spot where I cried, hoping he would say the one thing I wanted him to, the one thing that could’ve changed everything, but he didn’t.
The same spot where, as a grown woman, I cried in my mom’s arms over him still not loving me three years ago.
The same spot that used to hold so much pain and sadness.
Today I’m in that same spot, with someone who is ready to shout on the rooftops how much he loves me and how happy he is that I’m moving into his house.
It’s the moment I know that I am finally right where I’m supposed to be.
“Hey Siri, play Daylight by Taylor Swift.”