Chapter 35
Bailey
The holiday season is weird for me. I enjoy seeing the Christmas lights go up, the atmosphere of winter, and of course the festive drinks we get to create at the coffee shop.
The hard part for me comes at the mention of family. It’s a free for all with everyone asking what your plans are, who you’re going to see, etcetera.
Even worse is when my family ends up messaging me asking if I’m coming to visit them. Not my parents, they couldn’t care less about me. They may as well be dead for all I know. It’s not like they have anything worth giving to us that would warrant being notified about a will.
In fact, they’d probably be left in that trailer to rot until someone complained about the smell.
I finish up making the last peppermint mocha for the day and start to close up the shop while I try to avoid the unanswered text in my phone.
The one from Brent that asked if I’m coming to his house for Christmas. The fact that I didn’t immediately say no is different for me. I usually make an excuse right away. But this year feels different.
After I make sure the small shop is cleaned, stocked and ready for tomorrow, I head home. Sadie greets me as soon as I’m through the door, which has been one of the best parts of my day. I used to like being alone, and I still do, but having her around is a different kind of company.
Then I realize she’s the perfect excuse to tell Brent that I can’t come. Although I know Sutton would be more than happy to watch her while I’m gone.
Still, it’s an excuse I can use and actually mean this year. But for some reason there’s a lingering feeling of disappointment at the thought. I don’t know why, and maybe I should be worried about my current mental state because I must be losing it.
I pull out my phone to reply, and see there’s yet another text from him, and one from Brynn as well.
Brent: Are you coming here for Christmas?
Brent: If you want to I’ll get you a plane ticket.
Brynn: I’d really like it if you could come visit for Christmas. It would be nice to see you.
I groan, staring at the screen. I reply to Brent first.
Bailey: I can buy my own plane ticket.
I know he’s always wanted to take care of all of us. He’s a rich and famous athlete now, but I’m an adult and I don’t need him taking care of me.
Brent: But will you?
I hesitate again because I don’t know if I will, and that’s the whole problem.
Switching over to the other text thread with my sister, I debate what to say to her. I hate disappointing her all the time. It’s not fair, and maybe I should go just this once. Maybe it would be okay.
Bailey: It would be nice to see you, too. Is Bryson going?
Brynn responds right away, which isn’t surprising.
Brynn: No, I doubt it. But you should, and you could meet everyone.
Everyone has my heart rate kicking up in my chest because it’s not just Brent and Brynn anymore. They have families of their own now and I’ll just be by myself.
Christmas is in a week, so I know I need to make a decision sooner rather than later and plane tickets are going to be outrageously expensive.
The craziest part is how seriously I’m actually considering this.
Bailey: I’ll think about it.
Brynn: That’s Bailey talk for “no.”
Bailey: It’s Bailey talk for “I’ll think about it.”
Brynn: I hope you mean it this time.
Her comment hits me right in the chest, and before I can think about it too much I’m pulling up flights to Denver. They’re insane, but I know if I try to use that as an excuse, Brent will just pay for it.
So I painfully buy the plane ticket and hope I’m not making a huge mistake in going to see my siblings.
A couple of days later I’m dropping Sadie off at Sutton’s house and feeling extremely conflicted. Especially when Sutton asks me how I’m feeling about the trip.
“Are you excited to see your siblings again?”
“I guess, sort of.” I pet behind Sadie’s ears, her favorite spot.
“You don’t sound like it.”
“Because I’m nervous. I haven’t seen them in years.”
“You sure you don’t want to bring Sadie with you? She might help.”
“I thought about it, but a twenty hour drive sounds awful.”
Sutton nods. “You’re right, that does sound awful. That’s about what I did when I moved here. Never again.”
“Exactly. We’ll see if I actually get on the plane in the morning.” I make a sad attempt at a joke.
“Do you need a ride or anything else?”
“No, you’re doing enough for me. I got it.”
“Is Wes taking you?” She gives me a pointed look.
“What? No? Why would he do that?”
She shrugs, continuing to stare me down as though she’s waiting for me to tell her more.
I groan. “There’s nothing going on with him.”
“I didn’t say there was.”
“Thought you had sources?”
“You’re right, I do. So you might as well just tell me the truth about everything.”
“There’s nothing to tell, we’ve hooked up…a couple times.”
“I knew it!” She points at me and I roll my eyes.
“Yeah, yeah, but it’s nothing. He’s just there, and you know, he’s attractive enough.” I shrug like it’s not a big deal when lately it’s been a bigger deal than I’m willing to admit.
In fact, it’s felt like the biggest deal. Every time he looks at me, there’s so much that passes between us with just a look. So many unspoken words, yet we both know exactly what the other is holding back.
It’s terrifying, but I can’t stop. We don’t admit anything more, and we’ve never spent a full night together. We get lost in each other and then one of us leaves. I know the moment we do, then this thing between us officially shifts and the realness of the situation will get even scarier.
I know Wes has his own reasons for not wanting to spend the night together.
He has trouble sleeping just like I do, and I can’t help but wonder if he has nightmares, too.
We both have histories we refuse to talk about and that’s partly why we work so well.
There’s no pressure, no pushing. It’s a mutual understanding and it’s probably one of my favorite things about him.
“It always turns into something,” she hedges.
“This isn’t some romance book or movie. Two people can mess around and it not turn into anything more.”
“Whatever you say,” she singsongs.
“I think Lily is starting to rub off on you.”
“Not quite. I don’t have some crazy rubber duck bondage story to tell.”
“What?” I splutter.
She waves me off. “Don’t ask. Seriously, don’t.”
I double check that she has everything she needs for Sadie while I’m gone, still feeling guilty leaving her behind. She’s still getting used to me and my house and now she’s in another new place. I kneel down, rubbing her ears as I talk to her.
“I hope you have fun. I’m not abandoning you here, I promise. You’re still safe with me and I’ll be back soon.”
She sticks her tongue out, panting which makes it look like she’s smiling as her tail wags. I wish it helped ease the guilt I feel, but it doesn’t and I’m about to cancel this whole trip.
“Don’t worry about her. She’s going to have so much fun with Bennet and Duke,” Sutton tries reassuring me. Even though I know she’s right, it still doesn’t completely erase how I feel.
“Go have fun. Enjoy seeing your family.” Sutton leads me out of the house and back to my car.
I try to drag my feet a little bit more, but she doesn’t let me.
Even as I’m backing out of her driveway, I feel like I should go back and get Sadie, cancel my ticket, and hide in my house through the entire holiday season.
At this point, I don’t think Sutton would even let me because she just stands there with her arms crossed as she continues to watch me drive away.
For some reason, once I get home every single emotion I’ve held back breaks through.
My forehead drops onto my steering wheel as everything bubbles to the surface, and I feel like I can’t breathe.
Tears I can’t control are streaming down my face while I gasp for breath and dig my nails into my thighs.
I can’t do this. I can’t see my family. They don’t want to see me.
I’m just going to ruin them like I ruin everything.
I can’t go there, they don’t really want me there.
It’s better for me to stay home. I go to pick up my phone, but my hands are shaking so bad I fumble with it, and it falls somewhere on the floor which only makes everything worse.
I bang my hands against the steering wheel, letting out a scream, hoping it will take away everything I’m feeling, but it doesn’t.
The tears fall harder, and I’m just trying to catch my breath but it feels like that will never happen.
Maybe I’m having a heart attack, because this isn’t like anything I’ve experienced before.
I hardly even register the door opening, even when someone’s hands are on my legs, swinging them out.
There’s a voice but I can’t understand him.
I can’t understand anything right now. I’m too lost in my own mind and I don’t think I’m going to get it back.