Chapter 43
Bailey
It’s weird not having the constant feeling of guilt hanging over me. After I talked to Brent and Brynn I feel lighter, happier even. The thought of coming back to see them again doesn’t fill me with anxiety, and the thought of going home makes me a little sad.
Of course I miss Amity. My house, Sadie, and even Sutton. The one thing I don’t miss is that when we get home, Wes and I will go back to our own houses. I’m used to sharing a bed with him and having him around. I’m used to how things can be with us.
I hope that when we go back home it can continue like this, and doesn’t have to go back to how things were. We’re leaving the day after New Years, and I’m both looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.
Vince, Matt, and Colton are back from their away game, and have a home one on New Years that we’re all planning on attending. I’m not particularly looking forward to it. I went to enough when I was younger, but I’m trying to participate with my siblings.
We’re making plans for New Years Eve, even though I insisted we don’t have to do anything besides enjoy the last couple of days before Wes and I leave.
“I’m fine not doing anything, but we have to get fireworks,” Matt explains.
“No,” I almost shout. “No. Wes doesn’t do well with fireworks.”
Wes tenses next to me, and I turn to look at him, wondering why. He won’t look at me, just faces forward, jaw clenched and body stiff.
“Fine, no fireworks. But I’m at least getting sparklers. Evie will like them.”
I tune out the rest of the conversation, suddenly focused on how Wes is frozen next to me. He looks almost angry.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I whisper, but he ignores me.
He stands up stiffly and announces he’s turning in for the night. I continue to look at him as he walks away. I decide to follow him because I want to know what just happened.
When I get to the bedroom, he’s storming around as I shut the door behind me.
“What’s wrong?” I demand with my hands on my hips. The way he’s throwing around his clothes into his duffel bag already has me pissed off and ready for a fight. Especially because I don’t know what happened.
“Why’d you say that to them?”
“Say what? That you don’t like fireworks? You don’t?”
“You said I don’t do well with them, like I’m some fucking child that can’t handle them. I’m not a child, Bailey.” His tone is harsh and leaves me feeling both angry at the way he’s talking to me and nervous about how mad he is.
“You’re mad because I care about your wellbeing?” I scoff.
“No, I’m mad that you think I’m weak. That you announced it to everyone. It wasn’t your place to say anything.”
“Okay, fine. I should’ve let you tell them, but I was just trying to look out for you. I’ve seen how you are with fireworks. I didn’t want that to happen again.”
“Yeah, you saw me weak.”
Shaking my head, I step toward him. “That wasn’t you being weak, that was you having a natural reaction.”
“A natural reaction,” he scoffs. “That’s not natural for anyone and you fucking know it.”
I reach up to put my hands on his chest, I don’t want to fight, but I feel like he’s blowing this way out of proportion.
“Sunflower.” My hands freeze at the single word he utters.
Our safe word. The word we established means this stops.
My hands drop slowly to my side, and I take a step back, away from him even though my entire body is screaming at me not to. Especially when he closes his bag and swings it over his shoulder.
“I’m heading home.”
“What? Right now?”
“Yes.” His voice is cold. Detached, empty and devoid of emotion.
“Don’t go right now. If you still want to in the morning then—”
“I’m leaving,” he states firmly. “Enjoy your time with your family.”
“Wes, please.” I try to get him to stop, still not moving from the spot I’m rooted to. I’m in disbelief over how he’s handling this. “Why can’t you just talk to me about this?”
“You don’t understand. You don’t get to tell other people about me and my shit. I’m leaving.”
I feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I can feel him pulling away more and more. I want to ask if I’ll see him once we’re back home, but I don’t think I can handle his answer if it’s no.
Reaching behind my neck I unclasp the necklace. “Might as well take this with you, it only makes sense to wear it if I’m yours.”
My throat constricts as he looks at the necklace, then back at me, but doesn’t move to take it. “Goodbye, Bailey.”
He walks out, and my chest caves at the sight. The worst part is not knowing where we’ll stand when I get back. I’d just gotten used to the idea of what we could be—what we’ve been—and now I have no idea what I’ll be walking back into.
I drop down to the ground and the tears finally fall, splattering directly on the necklace still cupped in my hand.
That goodbye felt a lot more final than any of our previous ones.
Suddenly the lightness I’ve been feeling is gone as everything comes crashing down around me.
I started the day feeling light as a feather and now it’s ending like I’m being crushed.
Wes is gone. I couldn’t sleep last night, but I did hope he would come back at some point. I thought maybe he would take a drive like he does, and come back and feel better.
But he didn’t.
The sun rose, shining brightly off the snow, and I was still alone in bed.
When I go downstairs, Chandler is feeding Evie her breakfast. She gives me a smile that quickly fades when she takes in my appearance. I’m sure I have bags under my red rimmed eyes. I don’t even try to hide my current state of misery.
“What’s wrong?”
“Wes went back home. We got into a fight.”
“I’m sorry, are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” I tell her honestly. “I don’t even really understand what happened, but he didn’t want to talk about it either.”
“Men are complicated creatures, trust me,” she grumbles. “I’m sure he just needed some space, but if you want to head home as well, I don’t think anyone will blame you. We’ve just been so happy you came to visit.”
I think about what she’s saying, but shake my head. “No. I’m not going to run back home just because he’s being a jerk. If he wants his space, he can have it.”
Chandler nods solemnly, and Evie has the perfect timing of happily announcing she’s done with her meal. Clearly, she doesn’t feel the air of sadness currently surrounding me and that’s good. I can hold it together for two more days.
Maybe when I get back home and Wes has had his space everything will be fine. That’s the hope I have to hold onto so I don’t completely break down.
I pretend like I’m okay for the rest of the trip, but on New Year’s Eve I notice that no one sets a single firework off.
For some reason that alone hits me harder than it should.
Mostly because I know no one thinks Wes is weak for not wanting fireworks.
Even though he left, they still chose not to have them, and I feel like that just shows how caring my entire family is.
If only he saw it that way instead of whatever way he took it.
By the time I get back to my room, I can’t hold back my tears any more.
The harder I try, the harder they fall, until my whole body is racked with sobs.
I gasp, trying to breathe through the despair racing through me.
The worst part of it all is that the one person that could help me through this is the reason for my tears in the first place.