7. Hollis
Failure.
There’s a numbness that spreads through me as I flee Javi’s office. The familiar feeling makes me choke on a sob.
The last time I felt this way was after the fire at the Amato house. When Roman got so badly hurt that he’s still dealing with the results, as Jayden puts him through PT for his wrist. Then, Emilio saved me when my thoughts spiraled so much that I couldn’t breathe, and all I wanted was to hurt.
Now, there’s no one around to hold me up. Not that I deserve it.
“You’re deliberately hurting your submissive.”
Javi’s words are like a knife to the heart. Fuck, it would have been kinder if he actually put a knife in my chest. Just…end it now.
Reaching for my knife, wondering if Javi would come out to check on me or let me die here, I jump when a voice speaks up behind me.
“Don’t give the poor maids more work.”
I spin around to face Connor as he leans against the wall outside of Javi’s office. His dark blond hair is messy in a “I woke up like this” kind of way, while there’s disinterest in his dark green eyes. I know better, though.
Snorting, I shake my head. “I don’t have—”
“Time for this,” he finishes for me. “Yes, I know. It’s an excuse I’ve been hearing since Javi gave you to me.
Funny, I thought building trust with Roman was going to be difficult, but at least he’s willing to sneak looks at me when he believes I’m not paying attention.
You…you’re choosing avoidance. How’s that strategy working out for you? ”
I sneer, but he doesn’t pay me any mind. “I can’t do this. Not now…”
If he hears the desperation in my voice, he doesn’t give a shit about it, as he pushes forward. “Then when?” he asks. “Before or after we find you bleeding out on the floor?”
I flinch, forcing myself to remove my fingers from my knife, leaving it where it sits at my hip.
Connor softens his tone a little. “I’m sorry. But I don’t have any problem dishing out what you give me.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be understanding?”
Dark green eyes bore into mine. “I’m very understanding.
At least, I thought I was when your fucking partner kidnapped me.
When Javi threw you and one of your Boys at me.
I had a good thing going for me, you know.
I don’t have to be here. I could go back to my life, my clients, the people who need someone in their corner who believes in them and won’t let them go through their pain alone. ”
I flinch, his words widening the wound Javi already left behind. “Who does Sandro have? Nobody was truly there for him.”
Fuck, Javi is right. I’m a terrible Owner. Not just to Lio, but to everyone I claim as mine.
A wounded, vulnerable sound leaves my throat, and I reach for my knife again. Connor moves, and he proves to be faster and better trained than I am, despite all of Tennant’s efforts.
Shoving me against the wall, he disarms me. “We can do this the easy or hard way,” he says.
I let out a sob, my chest aching as everything begins to crash down around me. I cling to Connor, the walls of my perfectly locked-away past crumbling as it becomes hard to breathe.
I want to hurt myself. I want to feel the pain, the despair… I deserve it.
“Sandro gets up every day and fights.”
He does. Tennant and I challenged him, we forced him to prove why he deserves the Pup, and every single fucking day, he’s done that. Even when it breaks him apart inside.
“I respect you.”
Fuck. Would he say the same now if asked?
“You and he aren’t so different.”
“Doc’s going to drug you if you don’t come with me. Do you want that?” The soft words cut through the pain of my mind, and I blink the tears from my eyes, meeting Connor’s again.
“No… Please…”
“Then come with me.”
He grabs my arm and I stumble along, unable to feel most of my body as the soul-crushing pain makes me numb.
Connor leads me through the house and outside, forcing me to sit in one of the chairs at the patio table. I watch as he drags the other around to sit across from me. We stare at each other for a long moment, neither of us willing to break first.
Curling my hands into fists, I let the prick of pain center me, noting how Connor flicks his gaze to where they rest on the table. I’m sure that’s going into his file on me…and Javi’s. Great.
“Why are we out here?” I ask, my voice barely recognizable as my emotions make it hoarse.
“When was the last time you stepped foot outside?”
I…don’t honestly know. When we moved, probably? I don’t do field work, and I can order anything I need online, so… The thought of leaving the safety of my rig and dealing with people, except the ones in the house… Fuck. It hasn't been this bad since shortly after I escaped.
The fact I’ve only done voice calls with H, rather than video, says more than anything else ever will.
I’m surprised he hasn’t called me out sooner…
but then, he probably assumes I’m too stressed with the Senator’s bullshit, not that I’ve gone back to bad habits.
He’s going to give me so much shit when he finds out…
“Don’t let Doc drug me,” I finally whisper, not answering Connor’s question, though that’s an answer in itself.
“Why? You know the suicide protocol.”
I jerk in my seat, bile filling my mouth as my heart races in my chest. “I… I’m not…”
“So I didn’t have to disarm you and whisk you away before Javi and Doc forced the issue? I’m sure they’re getting a room ready for you as we speak. The whole house is bugged, remember?”
“I… I can’t… Lio needs me. Tennant needs me…”
“I’m not saying forgive him. I’m not saying I expect you to all of a sudden become comfortable with him overnight because of all this, but… You can’t touch him, Hol.”
“I’m not telling you to be best friends with the guy.”
“Allesandro needs me.”
“Funny, I didn’t think you liked the guy,” Connor says bluntly, but not forcefully.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I shift in my seat. “I…don’t hate him. Hell, I respect him more than I do myself right now. At least, he is trying to make amends. I just…I can’t get past what happened between him and Lio. I…It’s not about Allesandro.”
Connor nods as if he understands, but how could he? No one can understand the rollercoaster in my head, except…Javi and Allesandro.
“We belong to a certain club that nobody asked to join and, for sure, nobody wants to live through.”
Isn’t that the fucking truth. When my father did what he did to me…I never expected to survive, let alone to make it as long as I did. Two owners, constant psychological torture, the touching…the slimy, stomach-churning softness when they were trying to prove they weren’t “bad guys”...
No, I never wanted to live with that pain. It’s why I took that knife in hand the first time. Why, even though it fucking guts me, and I want to take his pain away, I understood Emilio and his choices.
“I think about cutting every single day, and have for close to twenty years now. I only broke after all this started. It was months and years’ worth of built-up pain, anxiety, control, and helplessness until the failure I am couldn’t handle it anymore.
“I did it again after watching the video of Emilio because my past and present were colliding. I saw the Boy I love being hurt in the most unimaginable ways, and as his Owner, I failed to be strong enough for him. I…don’t deserve him.
My biggest fear is that he’ll realize that and leave me.
So, no, I don’t hate Allesandro. I hate myself. ”
Connor watches me carefully. “And if Lio chooses you? If he decides he can’t live without you in his life, and you keep going the way you are?”
I cringe. “It’ll kill him. I might as well end his life now, rather than let him die a slow death because I sucked him dry.”
“Then what are you going to do about it?”
“You think you’ve won something, but you haven’t. You’ve already lost.”
“His Angel, his Owner… You hold Lio… You’re deliberately hurting your submissive.”
Fuck. I never wanted this. I never wanted to cause the pain I have.
I look Connor dead in the eye, as tears run down my face, blurring my vision as my glasses smudge.
“I’m going to make it right. I need to make it right.
None of us can go on like this. Not me, not Emilio, and sure as fuck not Tennant and Allesandro.
I…I need help, Connor. Please… I need someone to help me, so I can help those I love. ”
He scoots to the edge of his chair and holds a hand out. I hesitate, but slowly uncross my arms and reach into my waistband, pulling out the first knife Ten ever gifted to me, before sliding it over.
“Make sure Tennant gets that back,” I whisper. “You can keep the other, I don’t care, but this one has meaning.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll be safe until you’re ready for it.” He sets the knife aside and holds his hand out again, this time I slip mine into his, soaking up his strength.
“Is this where you Daddy me?” I ask.
Connor chuckles. “No. You don’t need that from me, but I can help you, Hollis.
It’s not going to be easy, but mental health never is.
There’s a lot to unpack, a lot I don’t even know about.
Javi gave me enough to understand you, and to come up with a way to approach you, but he either wasn’t able to unearth much about what you went through, or kept some things to himself. ”
“I’d be surprised if he managed to find any records… He and I are the same in that way, only mine were deliberately erased. Only my brother uses parts of my birth name now, though my lovers—apart from Emilio—know it.”
“I don’t need to know it,” he says gently. “If you ever feel comfortable enough to share, I’ll be honored, but it won’t affect my care of you. This is a team effort. I’m sure you’ve heard Javi’s spiel before.” He smirks and I huff a laugh.
“I have. He likes to give it to me almost every time we meet.” I won’t admit it, but I needed that. I needed to know Javi wouldn’t give up on me so easily, no matter how many times I wished he would.
“You’re going to hate me more often than not, because we’re going to drag up everything you’ve been avoiding. From what you’ve said today, I’m not surprised you have been trying not to think or bring up the past, but that level of avoidance isn’t working for you anymore, is it?”
Rather than pity, there’s compassion in his voice. I focus on our joined hands as I answer. “I don’t think it ever has. I’ve just done everything I could so I wouldn’t actively think. But…I think I knew the first time I relapsed that I was running on borrowed time.”
That was also the first time Emilio called me his Angel. His light in the dark. What he doesn’t know is that he is la luce della mia vita.
“Asking for help is the first step, Hollis. It’s going to be painful, messy, and it’ll probably get dark a few times, but I’m here. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to do this by yourself, not anymore.”
I look up into his eyes as he squeezes my hand again. “Is this how you get your patients to trust you enough to call you Daddy?”
He chuckles. “Being a Daddy is an instinct for me. It’s part of what keeps my heart beating. If I can help shoulder the burden while they do the heavy lifting of getting the help they need, then I will.”
“Doesn’t it get hard? When they don’t need you anymore?
I’ve seen how Soren, Tennant, and Jude treat their Boys.
Hell, I’ve seen the way Keegan cares for Carter, even though he’s not a Daddy.
” Connor snorts. “I can’t imagine how painful it is when they no longer need you for their mental health care.
Or…when we forced you to leave them for us. ”
He sighs. “Yes, it’s hard, but I’m so fucking proud of where they go, of who they become.
As a healthcare provider, and a Daddy, that’s all I want; for those under my care to get what they need to live fulfilling lives.
It even includes those I don’t Daddy.” He looks at me pointedly, and my cheeks heat.
“I want this, Connor. I want to be better, stronger.”
“You’re already strong, Hollis. You survived, but I can help you learn how to live, rather than just go through the motions.
You’ve got to work with me, though. No more missing appointments, or I will force the issue.
I may not be your Daddy, but I doubt Javi will have a problem with me being more… forceful than is ethical. Understand?”
“Yes.”
I grip his hand like the lifeline it is as a new wave of tears fall, and pray to deities I stopped believing in at a young age that he and Javi are right.
Because it’s time for me to be the man I promised I was, to everyone under me, no matter how hard it is. Fuck, please let this work. I won’t survive otherwise.