15. Tennant
Ihold Benjamin while he sleeps, the drug-induced slumber keeping him under for far longer than I would like. Though, from what Anderson relayed after his session, Benjamin’s panic was too much for my Topolino to handle lucidly in the moment.
Fuck. Times like this, I wish Javi and his fucking merry band of therapists didn’t have such strict ethics. Anderson could only relay so much without risking breaking Benjamin’s confidence. Though the looks he gave me were loaded, I just don’t know what with.
Pressing my face into Benjamin’s soft hair as he sleeps, I take in his scent.
So familiar, yet not. Our time together lately has been…
tense, with all the things that have happened.
The connection between us is hanging by a thread, and…
much like my relationship with Cristian, I don’t know how to fix it.
Benjamin begins to stir, and I hold him just a little tighter as he stiffens when he becomes aware of me.
I don’t want to let him go, but when he pulls back, I am forced to. Reaching over, I grab his glasses and hand them to him, watching carefully as he takes in our surroundings.
“Wh…” He clears his throat. “Why aren’t we in my room? Well, I mean, my hospital room?”
I grab the water that I had one of the kitchen staff bring up, as well as a tray of his favorite snacks—thank fuck for Ignacio and Lio’s help there.
Handing the water over, I answer him. “Because you needed the comfort of a familiar space after the day you had. Doc and Javi only argued a little. I’m to call them if I feel you need to be back in their care, but for now, you’re in mine. ”
He flinches, and…something inside me goes cold.
“You don’t have to babysit me,” he whispers. “I know you’re busy. I know…you have a lot going on with the Senator, and Lio and Roman are still on suicide watch. Hollis…did he start therapy yet? He looked exhausted when he came to see me. How’s Jude doing? I heard Antonio got his plastic surgery?”
“There’s always going to be something going on, Benjamin. Even after we put that fucking bastard Senator down. None of that means you’re not important to me. That I’m not going to be here when you need me.”
The look he gives me is unreadable.
I stand from the bed, staring down at him. “Is that it then, Topolino? Am I not giving you enough attention? I can fix that, easily. If you need me, I’m right here.”
“I can’t give you what you want, Ten. I…I can’t watch you break yourself into more pieces because of me.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “I don’t like repeating myself. Yet I will, for as long as it takes for you to believe I am all in with you, Benjamin.”
“But I don’t know if I can be.”
Everything in me grinds to a halt as I stare into his wide, tear-filled sea green eyes. His breathing stutters, and he clutches at his chest, visibly shaking.
Fuck.
Climbing back onto the bed, I grab him and roughly pull him into me, wrapping myself around him and holding him as tightly as possible. I’m probably hurting him. His incision might be healed, but it’s still tender sometimes. Benjamin doesn’t even flinch, though.
I’m sure this is a moment where Doc and Javi are expecting to get a call, but fuck that.
We’re doing things my way now. That doesn’t include drugging my Baby Mouse.
Not unless he does something to put himself in danger, and even then, I can handle him.
I have scars on both my skin and soul to prove that.
When his cries slow and become sniffles, I ask, “Is this it, Topolino? Have I lost you? Is… Am I too much?”
“You?!” he shrieks, scrambling out of my arms. I let him go, but he doesn’t move far.
He just sits in front of me, his eyes red-rimmed and wide.
“You’re not too much of anything, Ten. You…
you’re fucking perfect, and you can do so much better than me.
I…I don’t know who I am anymore, Tennant, or if I ever did.
I had my first session with Anderson, and he…he said some things that made me think. ”
I frown. “If he said anything out of line…”
“No!” he rushes to say. “No, nothing like that… Just…he gave me some things to think about. I…don’t know how to take most of them, because fucking hell, I would know, wouldn’t I? I’ve spent enough time with Lio, and have seen how he was with Allesandro, how he is with you… I would know.”
“You know what?” I wonder if he can hear the tremble of…
fucking hell, I don’t know what to call the sickening feeling running through me.
What I do know is that my control is shot, and it’s hard to keep my tone level.
“I want to help you, Benjamin. I…fuck, I love you, you fucking asshole. I know Javi will fucking lecture me about privacy and confidentiality, but fuck him. Talk to me, Benjamin. Not Javi, not Anderson. Me.”
“And say what? That as much as I love you, and believe you love me…I don’t know if we love each other enough to get through life together… Or if it was just…if you were just there for me when I needed someone, and what we have is as toxic as Cristian and Allesandro being together.”
“Do you really believe that? Do you think I would have turned my entire fucking life upside down for you if it wasn’t real for me?
I let Hollis touch you. I let you in, Benjamin.
Let you see the monster inside and live to tell about it.
I let you leash me. You’re the calm in the storm, Topolino. Or do you not believe it’s real?”
His lips part and he holds himself around the middle. I desperately want to touch him, but I know we need to do this. Once and for all. For better or worse…
“You only noticed me when I was Lio’s Second. You trained me to be better. Taught me how to never be in a position where someone could have power over me again, but…what about the other things, Tennant? What about the parts of me that aren’t that?
“I…I know the type you go for. Roman and Lio are stabby twinks. Hollis and Jude are both pillars of strength. What about me? What am I?”
“You’re everything to me, Benjamin. Fucking everything.
” Reaching out, I tug at his arms, encouraging him to hold my hands.
“I’m sorry, Benjamin. I'm so fucking sorry for failing you. For failing to see how much you’re hurting.
If…if this is about your stress levels, about how you haven’t had any time to play your games… ”
He scowls. “I thought therapy was confidential?”
“You talked to Anderson about your love of video games?”
He shrugs. “A little.”
“Good. And don’t worry, he didn’t tell me anything, except that you needed time because you had a rough session and…
came to a few realizations? Anyway, Ignacio off-handedly mentioned it.
He was concerned because your hospital room doesn’t have a TV.
” Squeezing his hands, I wait until he looks me in the eye before I say, “I’m so fucking sorry for failing you, Benjamin.
I…this isn’t an excuse, but I’m not used to having to play those stupid ‘get to know you’ games.
Roman isn’t exactly quiet about his likes and dislikes. Neither are Hollis and Jude.”
He huffs a little. “And Lio will take anything without complaint…unlike me.”
I squeeze his hands until he winces. “Could you have spoken up? Yes, but I could have asked. We…both failed, Topolino. I know better. I know how to be there for a person because I forced myself to learn when Hollis kidnapped me the first time. But you…everything was so fucking different with you, Benjamin. It…it felt like when I first met Hollis in person all over again. Only not, because you and he are different. Still, you are it for me. As sure as I am that I’m Emilio’s Daddy… I can be yours too.”
He gasps and tries to pull his hands from mine, but I hold him tight enough that I can feel the bones shift in his hands. “I…I’m not a—a B—Boy. No… Y—you…you and An—Anderson can’t be right…how would I not know? After being around Lio for so long… Wh—why would you want that?”
Loosening my grip so I don’t hurt him, but keeping it firm enough so he can’t pull away, I ask, “Why wouldn’t I?
I love you. I love being with you. I love caring not just for you and Lio, but for everyone I call mine.
I’ve spoken to Ian, and done my own research, as I’ve been trying to figure out how to be the perfect Daddy for Emilio.
I’m not sure what you and Anderson spoke about in your session, but based on the things I’ve been learning…
I think you might need that too. Just from knowing you, and speaking to both Ian and Ignacio about you, little things have been adding up.
If that’s what you need from me, Topolino, I am here, ready to catch you as you fall. ”
“You already are the perfect Daddy. I know Lio well—or I did—and I know how sweet and amazing he is. I know you’re the best Daddy for him because he’s the sweetest Boy. I just…I don’t get that. I don’t understand his need for a Daddy that way.”
“Because you’re not that type of Boy, Amore.”
He blinks at me. “I…wouldn’t I know if I’m a Boy?” His words are so quiet, and he sounds…lost, as if he doesn’t know himself anymore, and maybe he doesn’t.
“Whether or not you’re a Middle…it doesn’t matter to me. What matters is your happiness. If…you’d be happier without me…”
It’s his turn to grip my hands tightly. “I won’t!
I…I love you so fucking much. I just…I don’t know how to do this anymore, Nocciola.
I don’t know how to love you and not hurt either of us.
” Tears fall down his cheeks. “I was hoping it was Hollis who was drugging me…putting me out of my misery, so I wouldn’t be your downfall anymore. I…I can’t do this, Ten.”
Releasing his hands, I reach for his face, holding him to the point of bruising.
“I won’t play games with you. If you…want to leave, you can.
You’re mine. You’ll always be mine, but I won’t hold you against your will.
If you do? That’s it. I can’t do the hot and cold, back and forth bullshit. I’m not built that way.
“Just know I was yours from the moment I put my hands on you. If…if my life is too much, or my love is not enough for you…then I understand. But if you stay…if you trust me enough to put my failure right, then I’ll show you a life and love you never imagined.
“I’m sorry for making you feel as if I only cared about one part of you.
I don’t give a shit if all you want is to play video games all day every day.
Hell, become one of those weird people who stream their gaming sessions on the internet for all I care.
Hol will hide your identity. Don’t ever think you’re not enough for me exactly as you fucking are. ”
He starts to sob and I pull him back into my lap. “Shhh,” I whisper, pressing a kiss to his head. “I have you, Topolino. You’re not alone. I promise. Non dovrai mai più essere solo, Cuore Mio. Io sono qui. Sempre.”
He wraps his arms around me, holding me as tightly as he can. “I don’t know what to do…”
“We’ll get through this, together. You and me…
and Anderson. Maybe even Ian.” I kiss him again.
“I love you, Benjamin. I love you, and I’ll do whatever you need me to.
I’ll buy you whatever you need to continue your games, and I’ll show you in every way I can that you matter—not just to me, but everyone. ”
“They all hate me… As they should…”
“No, they don’t. They just hate what’s happened. But don’t worry about them. All that matters right now is you and me. Together? We’re unstoppable, Amore. If you trust me enough, I’ll make this right.”
He pulls away just enough to look me in the eye. “I trust you with my life.”
I press a light kiss to his lips, licking up his tears. “Then let me show you.” Tangling a hand in his messy hair, I tug, earning a gasp from him.
“I don’t want anyone else to hate me…for taking up your limited time…”
“Quiet. If I hear one more self-deprecating word from you, I will spank you. Middle or Boy or not. You understand? I said I love you, Benjamin. I don’t just toss those words out willy-nilly.
I mean them. From the first time I saw you, until I take my last breath, you are one of my priorities.
Yes, I have others, but you are always a priority.
” My words are a vow, and Benjamin must get their meaning because something that looks a lot like hope crosses his face before he shuts it down.
The thing he doesn’t realize? I mean every fucking word. I just…need to figure out how to bring it up to Hol.
“Are you in this with me?” I ask.
He shakes in my arms. “I…I want to be, so fucking badly…”
Pressing a firm kiss to his mouth, I bite him until I taste his blood, giving him another reminder of who he belongs to. “That’s enough for now.”
Benjamin hides his face in my throat again and I let him, allowing his tears to soak into my skin.
We’re both probably going to have bruises from how hard we’re clutching at each other, but it’s worth it.
The sick feeling hasn’t left yet. Not when I was so close to almost losing him…
My heart starts to race at the very thought, so I tug at his shirt, needing to get my hands on his skin. I dig my fingernails in until he cries out in pain, but he doesn’t ask me to stop.
I can feel his skin give way, and blood slides down my fingers, but still I press harder, holding him as tightly as possible without him being in my skin.
Benjamin’s cries finally stop completely, his tears drying on my flesh. He stops trembling, and I take my first full breath since hearing he had to be sedated.
“I have you,” I whisper. “Daddy has you, Amore…”
That sets off more tears, but I don’t mind. As long as he knows I’m here, in every capacity he’ll allow.
I won’t fail him again.