16. Benjamin
Chewing on my bottom lip, I try to gather my courage.
While Lio is being allowed out of this medical wing, Roman still isn’t.
And, well, where Roman is, there’s a high likelihood of Lio being there too.
At least, that’s my assumption when I can’t find him.
Bitterness swirls inside me as I realize that I’ve lost my best friend.
I want to be happy for him, but fuck if this isn’t painful.
Still, I know I need to talk to him. Hopefully, he won’t turn me away.
Straightening, I knock on the door and wait. There’s only a few beats, and several giggles that pull at my heart, before Roman calls out, “Enter.”
I push the door all the way open, since it was already partially cracked, and just stare for a moment.
Roman and Lio are lounging on the same bed, so close there’s barely an inch of space between them.
Both of them have the same mischievous expressions on their faces, and the stress that they’ve lived under for so long has seemingly disappeared as they watch the two kittens play on the bed.
Clearing my throat, I shift awkwardly, before asking, “Uh, I wondered… If you have a moment, Lio? I’d really like to talk to you about something.”
Roman frowns as his eyes narrow on me. He places a protective hand on my friend’s shoulder, and a wave of misery hits me. Fuck. I’ve been completely replaced, and really, I shouldn’t have expected anything different.
However, when Roman opens his mouth to say something, Lio holds up a hand, cutting him off. Despite giving Roman an apologetic glance, he replies, “Sure. Give me a moment and I’ll follow you out.”
With a grunt of either dissatisfaction or disgust, Roman shakes his head. “You can stay here. I’ll go check on Ignacio.”
With that, he turns his head and cups Lio’s cheek tenderly, before leaning in and kissing him so damn sweetly.
My eyes widen in shock. I hadn’t heard about this development, but fuck if it doesn’t make sense.
The sick sense of betrayal invades me, even though I'm aware it’s unfair, and I breathe through it, trying to battle the feeling as it struggles to grab hold of my heart.
I don’t catch what Lio murmurs to Roman, but whatever it is brings a smile to Roman’s face before he slides off the bed, scoops up both kittens, and heads toward the door. However, I’m not surprised when he hesitates briefly near me.
“Hurt him and you’ll answer to me,” Roman mutters. His glacial eyes study me, and based on his sneer, find me wanting.
I flinch, despite knowing I deserve the judgment.
Still, the pointless words I want to reply with get stuck in my throat, so I simply nod in acknowledgment before Roman glides away.
My shoulders slump in defeat, because it’s so incredibly obvious I won’t find acceptance here.
I’m trying to believe Tennant’s words, but fuck if it isn’t hard knowing his lovers hate me.
How do I carve out a spot amongst their loathing?
“Come here,” Lio says calmly, patting the spot beside him that Roman just occupied. It breaks me out of my reverie, and while part of me wants to just run away, the other, larger part is helpless to do anything but follow Lio’s simple command.
I climb onto the bed and sit next to my…friend? I think. Or maybe ex-friend? Fuck. I don’t even know.
He bumps his shoulder against mine, breaking the stifling silence with a quiet question. “How are you holding up?”
Tears rush to my eyes, and I try to brush them away quickly. I… I can’t imagine why he cares. It doesn’t make sense. He should hate me. Yet all he does is stare at me with compassion, frowning as he tries to wipe my tears at the same time I do.
We both snort at the awkwardness, and he gives me the same reluctant smile that he used to give me way back when we first met. When all I knew about him was that he was a sarcastic, prickly patient, and I didn't understand that the whispers about his situation were so very true.
“Fuck,” I mutter, shaking my head. “I’m… I have no words. I really don’t.”
Lio shrugs against me, leaning into me as if he somehow magically still trusts me. “You don’t have to say anything. I’m here. I’m pretty sure the friendship rules would encourage sharing, though.”
I whimper at the easy banter of our friendship rules. I want that again. More than anything, I want my friend back in my life. But how?
“I fucked up,” I finally say. My heart pounds as I wait for his judgment, and I struggle to breathe through the urge to hide that's cresting inside me.
With a sigh, Lio gently puts his arm around me. “We all fuck up. Whatever it is, we can get through it. I’ll be right here with you.”
“Why?” I choke out, tears threatening me once again.
He maneuvers until he’s facing me and grabs my shoulder.
His face is more serious than I’ve seen it lately, the fatigue no longer constant.
I swallow at the intensity in those moss green eyes.
I’m—no, we’re—balancing on the precipice, and I have no clue which way our friendship will fall.
It already feels like it’s been hanging by a thread.
“Benjamin,” he breathes out, and I shudder at the pure emotion he puts into my name.
“I want you to remember something. You are my best friend. What we have, it doesn’t just…
go away. We may have lost our way a bit, but fuck, with everything going on, is it any wonder?
All of that can be water under the bridge, though.
You’ve already apologized to me, and I’ve done the same to you.
All you need to do is be here. Be present.
Because I’ve missed you. Nobody, absolutely nobody, can replace you. ”
“Not even Roman?” I whisper, hating myself and wishing I could snatch the words back in. But when I open my mouth to apologize, Lio holds up his hand.
“No. More. Apologies,” he growls, but my lips merely twitch at that.
“I want us to be honest with each other again. If you’re feeling jealous, left out, or upset, come to me.
Please. You’re important, too. And no, Roman is my stabby soulmate, he’s my love, but he’s not my best friend.
He doesn’t know how to keep me in line with friendship rules or how to help me navigate the stupid feels. ”
“It sounds like you’ve gotten better at that on your own,” I reply gently, my lips twisting into an awkward half-smile.
The reminder that he’s gone through such a transition without me hurts, but all I can do is be there for him now. Because I will. I don’t think I realized just how much I missed this…missed our connection.
“Eh, Daddy is a feels whisperer.” His eyes widen as he says it with a hushed reverence, and I collapse against him, my uncontrollable laughter turning into tears. I let him hold me through the emotional storm that's ripping through my soul.
He holds me close, murmuring words that I can’t even make out, but I soak it up. I soak up the love he gives so freely…and the forgiveness. It brings on another round of tears, and fuck, I wonder if I’ll be dehydrated after all these stupid crying jags.
It helps that he doesn’t toss me out, even if I don’t understand it. But my homicidal teddy bear has always been that way. So many have overlooked the teddy bear aspect. Sure, he’ll kill someone without blinking, but he also forgives in such a way that it puts all of us to shame…
Eventually, I pull away with a sigh. I have no idea how to explain everything else, but I know, out of everyone, Lio will listen. And maybe he can help my twisted, tangled thoughts.
“Uh, so, speaking of Daddy… I had my first session with Anderson.”
“Really?” Lio’s face lights up. “That’s awesome! He’s really good, isn’t he? I had my doubts at first, but the more I get to know him, the better I feel about working with him.”
I smile softly, loving seeing this side of Lio. Still, when I think about what I have to say, my smile slips away. “Uh, yeah. I really liked him. But…”
“What?” Lio asks, his brow furrowing as he stares at me. “Was he mean? Do you want me to talk to Javi? Or Tennant?”
“No,” I respond quickly, struggling to find the words. Eventually, it spews out. “He…he thinks I’m a Middle.”
Lio cocks his head to the side, confusion written on his face. His honest transparency is refreshing, particularly given how I’ve been trying to get through each day. “What do you mean?”
“Uh, well, I guess Anderson pieced it together. Partially from things Ignacio said, like my video games, and fuck, I don’t know.
Eventually, it got too overwhelming to think about, and I had a massive panic attack.
Then Tennant kidnapped me, and well, that didn’t go very well.
We’re working shit out, but…he seems to think I’m a Middle too. ”
Lio shrugs at me. “I don’t really think it’s up to them to decide, though, is it? It’s your life, your choice. I know you were pretty interested in kink before that fucker kidnapped you, but when you came back…”
Staring up at the ceiling, I try to put things together so they make sense, but fuck…nothing does. So all I can do is speak from the heart, and hope he can help me.
“I read up on it,” I whisper, unable to look at Lio.
“It makes sense. And I see how happy you are when you regress. I want that. Desperately. But you still manage to be a badass Boss, and I couldn’t even cut it as a Second.
Like, what use would I be if I am a Middle? What, just play video games all day?”
“Benjamin, you don’t have to be a Second, or a Voice, or anything other than what you want. You’re valid as you are. Maybe that means you go back to being our kickass, sadistic physical therapist. Maybe that means you take time off. Who knows? What matters is that you find happiness.”
I give a watery laugh at that. “I haven’t been happy for a long time. I tried. I put myself in the boxes. I tried to give you what you needed, and I failed. I tried to love Ignacio, and I failed. I tried to live up to Tennant’s reputation, and I failed. Everything about me is a failure.
“I don’t even know who I am anymore. Am I Middle?
I mean, I can see how I am when I don't get time with my games. And it’s more than just playing them for fun with me.
I haven’t experimented with my makeup in forever.
So many things are just lost. Gone. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to find myself again.
“Hell, I haven’t even told my family that Ignacio and I broke up because I know they’d be so absolutely devastated. He loved me so much.”
“And sometimes love isn’t enough,” Lio murmurs. “Right now, he’s happy with who he's with. There’s no reason you can’t find a way to be friends again, but you need to focus on yourself first.
“You need to be honest. With yourself, with me, with Daddy. Most of all, you need to give yourself time to try new things. Maybe you’re a Middle, maybe you’re not.
We won’t be angry one way or another. There’s no expectations, other than the ones you shackle yourself to.
Because I promise you, we don’t put those on you—that’s your own mind playing games. ”
“It’s even more than video games,” I finally admit. “It’s how the rules with Il Padrone helped. It’s how we interacted. While you regress to younger, I regress to more of a pre-teen or teen level. I’m…not sure yet. I don’t know enough about it.”
Lio laughs. “Welcome to the world of kink. We all start somewhere. Hell, Papa Bear didn’t know anything about being a Daddy until me.
But he met me on my level because he wanted to give that to me.
I…I know you hate him. But please, try to understand that there’s more between us than what happened. ”
This time, I manage to meet Lio’s eyes, and before I answer, I dig deep, trying to figure out the confusing mess of feelings inside.
Sighing, I say, “I don’t hate Allesandro, or Sandro, or whatever.
Not when you love him. As your best friend, I’ll admit, I was pissed, but I also know how much he helps you.
And that’s all I want. For you to be happy.
Including with the rest of your loves—your Daddy, Owner, and Roman.
I’ll stand by you on that. And anyone else you add. ”
Lio giggles, shaking his head. “I think I have all the lovers I could possibly need. You know none of them will replace my best friend, right? It’s you and me. The friendship rules are clear about that. Always.”
“Always,” I repeat, the vow lingering in the air between us.
I won’t fuck up again on that. There’s still more to talk about, but for now, I soak up his steady presence.
It’s like a missing piece of my soul slots into place in the silence.
I may not have all the answers right now, but I don’t need to, because I know, no matter what, Lio will be by my side.
It may be more than I deserve, but fuck if I won't ever turn it away. The time for pushing him away has to end, because I’m being given another chance.
Therapy isn’t going to be easy, but if it can help me put together my shattered pieces, it’ll be worth it.
I desperately want to keep my Nocciola and my homicidal teddy bear.
I’ve learned what’s precious, and it’s this.
This right here. The love I’ve found. I may have to make amends elsewhere, but for now, I have this, and that’ll be enough.
I can only hope the rest works out as well…