26. Benjamin #2
“So you’re saying, what? You don’t have jealousy?
That you’re just easily able to accept that Emilio has others?
Or is this part of your whole punishing-yourself thing?
” I lean forward, anger running through me because I’m too tired for riddles.
“Because the way I see it, if Tennant has Hollis, Roman, Lio, and Jude, why the hell would he need me? Or want me? And fuck, just based on the time constraints of work, and sharing him with that many people, I’d get him, what, maybe a day a week? If I’m lucky?”
Allesandro sighs, his lips tightening at my explosion.
When I calm down, he replies, “And yet, that limited time you spend with Tennant must be more important than the monogamy Ignacio offered you, right? After all, you chose Tennant over Ignacio. Unless… Did you think Tennant would choose you over his other lovers?”
My breath catches as I wonder… Did I expect that? Fuck. I hope I didn’t. I just…
“You didn’t think it all the way through, hmm?” Allesandro is sympathetic, but there’s an underlying hardness to his voice as well. I flinch, hating it.
“You’re right,” I murmur. “Not about expecting him to pick me, but that I didn’t think about the rest of it. How it would look in the future, or how we’d blend things together.”
“So, that’s what you need to figure out.
Because, right now, I can tell you’re spiraling.
I get it. You were raised with traditional parents, and probably expected the same.
It’s what made things easy with Ignacio.
He blended in with your storybook ending.
Tennant doesn’t. But…you love him, right?
” He holds up a hand to stall my automatic response.
“No, don’t tell me. I don’t want a knee-jerk reaction from you. ”
Grudgingly, I nod my head in acceptance, even though I want to claim Tennant as mine.
But, I understand his point. Love…it’s harder than I realized.
Ignacio made things so easy. He gave me the storybook ending.
The happily ever after. And now, there’s Tennant, and it’s so much harder.
Messier. But he owns me in a way I never expected, or planned for, because how can you?
How can you be prepared for when you meet the other half of your soul?
The person you can trust with the blackness in your heart, as well as your plans and hopes for the future…
That’s when I get it. I understand what he’s saying. With a rueful smile, I shake my head. “I get it. We need to work harder.”
“And it’s not just you. Do you understand that?” Allesandro sounds desperate for me to understand, and sympathy swells inside me. “Remember, I never would have let you close to Emilio if I didn’t see the good in you. You may have been lost lately…but that doesn’t make you bad.”
“I’ve gotten caught up in being selfish,” I say softly. “But you’re right. Tennant and I…we fell hard, but we never truly discussed things, like Ignacio and I did. Our likes, our dislikes, our goals for the future. It wasn’t like with you and Emilio, where you actively planned a life together.”
He exhales harshly, relief flitting across his features as I finally recognize one of the major issues.
“Exactly. You had a dream, and then it was destroyed—even if you did that part yourself, it was still the future you planned on. Now… Now, you need to decide how to move forward, and how your life fits with Tennant’s.
But don’t make yourself smaller for him.
Don’t settle for pieces of your soul when you can have it all.
Tennant is a strong man, he can carry all of you. ”
I snort softly, wishing I could point out to him how much of his own soul he sacrifices daily, but I let it go, for now. Instead, I reply, “I don’t know how to not give up pieces if I’m going to fit with him.”
“May I make a suggestion?”
The warm compassion in Allesandro’s eyes almost brings me to my knees, even though I’m sitting on a damn chair. It’s…not what I expected. I honestly thought I had no allies left in the house. Then again, I suppose two castoffs may as well band together.
Roughly, I manage to choke out, “Yeah.”
“Perhaps remember that you can’t make yourself only about one person. That doesn’t work in a monogamous relationship, and it definitely doesn’t in a poly one.”
I cock my head, confused. With a sad smile, he continues, “Think about finding other things to fill your time. And to be clear, I do not mean work. Try creating bonds with others. Finding your friendship with Emilio again. Get to know Tennant’s other lovers.
Expand your circle. Because, at the end of the day, a poly relationship may be complex, but it’s a chance that many don’t have. It’s a chance to find support.”
“Is that what you’re doing?” I can’t stop the words from sounding bitter, although I wish I had. I can’t imagine the mighty Il Padrone connecting with people who have his Emilio’s heart.
He laughs, and there’s actual joy in it. I almost recoil in surprise, not expecting it.
“I want Emilio to be happy. That means understanding and accepting the men in his life. And opening myself up to the possibilities. I started first with trying to get to know Roman, although honestly, he pulls at the Daddy in me, oddly enough. I want to make sure he’s taken care of, and is safe.
Since he wasn’t eating well, I threw myself into baking.
“Most recently, Hollis and I have come to an understanding. A way to be partners… Although it’s going to take time. And likely therapy. Something I’d suggest you do with Tennant, since communication is so important.
“And…you may not like this, but yes, Tennant and I are exploring our own relationship. In many ways, he’s helping me find myself.
He's helping me to be a better Master to Emilio, and in the most fucked-up twist of fate, I find myself exploring whether I have Boy tendencies. I certainly understand why Emilio calls him a feels whisperer.”
A bright slash of pain rushes through me upon realizing I’m now going to have to share Tennant even more. Then I run the words through my head again. “Wait. You might be a Boy?”
“It surprised me as well, but kink is ever-changing. I’m not sure what it means yet. I’ve had some discussions about it, but I’m still in the process of learning.”
Swallowing, I decide to take a page out of the Martelli Motto and say, “I may be a Middle. Which…I guess is a Boy?”
Allesandro strokes his beard as he watches me carefully. “And how do you feel about that?”
This time, I’m the one who laughs. “Oh, fuck. Please tell me you’re not joining Javi’s empire of therapists.”
“No,” he replies definitively, while shaking his head. “But I do remember how confusing it was to me when Emilio expressed an interest in Daddy kink. I spent a long time learning about it, so I could give him what he needed, and in doing so, I found what I needed.
“Now I’m being given the opportunity to once again discover another part of myself.
I won’t lie to you. It’s scary to feel so unsettled in my own skin, but if I’ve learned anything through this whole fucked-up situation—from being held captive, to living with PTSD, to trying to find myself again—it’s that being unsettled is sometimes exactly what’s needed. ”
I shrug one shoulder, because fuck I have a clue how to feel about the entire situation.
Sharing Tennant once again… While there’s a slight flare of jealousy, there’s an overall sense of peace—of respect.
And I have the man in front of me to thank for that.
Then again, he’s always been one of the best at settling me, at providing me with guidance.
It certainly lends credence to the idea that maybe I do need to consider being a Middle more seriously.
“When you were researching Daddy kink, what did you learn about Middles?” I hold my breath for a moment, unsure if I want to know. Yet, for some reason, I trust Allesandro more than the others. His love for Emilio is so obvious that the small kernel of hatred has melted completely.