26. Benjamin
Another door. Another feeling that I’m on the edge of a cliff. That I’ll either embrace fate or turn away. Although fuck if I know what the right decision is anymore. Still, maybe Anderson was right, and the person on the other side is the best one to talk to about this shit.
Knocking on the door, I wait to be told I can enter.
Even if I feel like it’s at my own peril…
Thankfully, I’m not left waiting. Taking a deep breath, I walk in, and my eyes quickly fall on a familiar figure.
One who always seemed so full of life, a commanding presence, and my heart sinks when I realize…
fuck, I don’t even recognize him anymore.
“Benjamin. This is a surprise. Is there something I can do for you?”
“Uh, yes. It was suggested you may have some insight.”
“Me?” The surprise is so genuine that I almost cry, and I suddenly understand Anderson’s point. As far as I’ve fallen… As unsure as I’ve been about myself… There’s another person going through the same journey.
“Yeah, Allesandro,” I say softly. “I think you might be the right person to help me.”
“Please, call me Sandro.” His stiff words belie an ocean of pain, and it's one I understand. It’s drops of past regrets that soon become a ferocious tide, one neither of us knows how to tread, much less survive.
I sigh, and take the seat across from him.
We’re in a small office. Although I have no idea what he does in here, it’s at least familiar.
Deciding I need to be honest, I reply, “I’d prefer to stay with Allesandro.
It’s not to hurt you. It’s what I’m comfortable with, and…
I think we may both be doing the same thing. ”
“And what’s that?” His voice holds a faint echo of its old self. The power is gone, but it’s still in there, I think.
“Both of us have lost pieces of ourselves. And I’m certainly not going to say you’re wrong to cling to this new identity, but I need to speak to the man who knows me. And…that’s Allesandro.”
The swift pain in his eyes hurts me, as does the way his face contorts as if I’ve hit him, but he breathes slowly, gathering himself…
Or whatever is left of him. For a moment, I hate Luca more than normal.
I know what he did. I know how he forced Allesandro to look at the pain he’d caused, but fuck, maybe there could have been a different way.
Then again, if I hadn’t been so wrapped up in my own shit, would I have cared enough to offer an opinion? One that didn’t include death?
“Very well. What can I do for you?” The stiff formality is back, and I relax into it. This…this is who I need. No offense to the new empire of therapists Javi keeps talking about, but Allesandro is familiar, and fuck if that isn’t what I need right now.
“I need advice. I know I’m probably the last person you want to help. I hurt Ignacio. And Lio. But… Please.” My hands clench into fists as my heart beats faster, the plea almost burning my tongue.
His eyes soften, the way he used to look at his Boys when they didn’t realize he was doing it.
There’s a reason I called them incestuous, and it’s because Il Padrone often acted as more of a father figure to the Boys—except for Lio.
It’s why I didn’t take the out he gave me when he said I could leave the Family… and take Ignacio with me.
“Whatever I can do. As for any hurt you’ve caused…
Well, you were punished regarding Ignacio, so that’s over with.
You were forgiven like always. The rest…
we all make mistakes. Some of us cause even more harm…
I know you. You love Emilio. I’ve never doubted that.
If you lost your way, after everything that happened with Jax, it’s understandable. ”
“If that’s a valid excuse, then isn’t what you went through with Cristian valid as well?”
He winces, and I know I scored a direct hit. Although that’s not what I came here for. Still, if I can help him… It’ll be my penance with Lio. He deserves a Master who is whole, and even I can tell Sandro is not right now.
Clearing his throat, he averts his eyes, unable to meet mine.
I wish I had the words to express that I see him.
That I understand. Because fuck, I do. I didn’t start out with the intention of alienating everyone around me, but I managed it.
Somehow, while driving, I hit an oil patch and spun out of control, and I've never managed to regain my equilibrium.
I seem to continuously make things worse. And… Fuck if he didn't do the same.
“Was there something specific you needed?” His eyes meet mine briefly before roaming the office, but I know he’s still listening, so I decide to ask him the question that scares me the most. The one that I’m not sure I can survive.
“Yeah. Uh. How do you do it?” I ask, then shake my head, knowing he needs specifics. “How do you love someone who loves others? Doesn’t it just…tear you to pieces?”
The last thing I expect is a chuckle, but damn, that’s what he gives me. He shakes his head and sighs, as if he’s reminiscing over a past I can’t see. Eventually, he shakes off the reverie and switches his entire attention back to me.
With a gentle smile, he leans back in his chair. “This may take a while. But I think you’ll understand better if I start way back at the beginning.”
“Okay,” I respond carefully, suspicious of the smile.
“You have to remember, growing up, I didn’t see love.
My parents didn’t love each other, and hell, neither had any love for me.
My aunt and uncle were the closest thing I saw to love, and even that wasn’t true love.
My father made it clear to me that my uncle married into the Family to gain power.
I’m not saying he didn’t love my aunt…he did, but it didn’t start out that way.
“As for my aunt, may she rest in peace, her options in life were sadly very limited, as my grandfather was not a kind man. The Martelli family has been stuck in a cycle of vendettas and cruelty for a long time.
“However, things started to change when my father taught me how to create Boys. It sounds disgusting. I know. But… As much as he would have preferred I be cold like him, I couldn’t be.
I’m sure there are many who look at my actions with horror, but each one of the Boys I chose were selected because they were special.
I loved them within the capacity I had at the time. ”
“That makes a tragic amount of sense,” I murmur, aching over this man’s past.
“Right,” Allesandro murmurs, before taking a deep breath and then slowly letting it out.
“But…then a miracle happened. I met Emilio. If you were to ask me if I regret our beginning, I won’t lie and say I do.
Because Emilio is my everything. He gave me something nobody else has ever given me…
I suppose, in a lot of ways, you could call it a conscience.
Or, at least, some sort of moral compass.
He looked beyond the monster. Which is why I understand how you fell for Tennant.
You saw what lies beyond, and Tennant is lucky to have that. ”
My eyes widen in shock. I…I thought he hated me. So to find out he didn’t…
“Now, I will say that I don’t think you were fair to Ignacio at the end. But, that’s life, unfortunately. None of us ever make it through without bruising others. Some of us do the unforgivable. You know the Martelli Motto, right?”
“Yeah. Loyalty. Courage. Victory,” I whisper as I raise an eyebrow, unsure where this is going.
“Right. So, loyalty. That’s always been the one my family has harped on about the most. It’s why Luca’s father died.
It’s why, if my father were still alive, almost all the Boys would be dead.
But thankfully, Emilio taught me that courage is actually the most important part of the motto.
That’s the part we should focus on. Because he has more courage than anyone I know.
And he lent me that courage when I chose to forgive the Boys who betrayed me, instead of killing them like my father—and grandfather—would have done. ”
“That’s…interesting. But I’m not seeing how this connects to poly?” I scrub my face in frustration, tired of a never-ending lecture.
Allesandro simply stares at me before challenging me, “Are you sure you don’t?”
“Yeah, of course. I mean, it’s great that Emilio is your other half, but…if anything, that makes the poly aspect worse. Because how can you share him?”
“But, you see…I didn’t share him first. No, the first people I shared were my Boys.
Ignacio found—well, acquired—you. Marcus found Keegan.
When I gave Antonio the okay to train the twins, I didn’t expect him to fall in love, but he did.
People think I sent Luca away as a punishment, but that’s not the case.
I wanted him to find his happiness, and he couldn’t do that around me. Not with our past.”
“Fine. I can see you shared the Boys, but…they weren’t your true loves. Even though you loved them.”
“Hmm… It’s true, my relationship with Emilio is much different. In fact, I’d say the first difficulty was the Boys struggling to understand the difference in how I responded to Emilio.
“As for sharing Emilio… In the beginning, well, I fucked up. I tried to be Il Padrone. To bend others to my will. From your own interactions with Hollis and Tennant, I’m sure you know why that would never work.
I…was in a very dark place, and I fucked up.
However, while it very well could have been the end of the world, it hasn’t been. But, it takes work.”