Chapter 39
Zane
Bleach stings my eyes, but I keep scrubbing on my hands and knees.
Tile. Grout. Baseboard. Every red smear screaming the same thing—I didn’t do enough.
The bristles squeal against the floor, until the stink of blood and chlorine mixes and my chest burns.
I should’ve been here. I would’ve heard the hinge before it snapped and the first boot hit the floor. I should’ve put my foot down, forced Phoenix to take Myles out instead, and stayed inside these walls where she trusted me to be.
A boot toe nudges my bucket, the pink water sloshing.
“Easy, big guy… those tiles aren't gonna testify in court.”
Phoenix’s voice is amused, the way he gets when he's about to poke a wound just to prove it's open.
I squeeze the brush so hard it creaks. “Fuck off.”
He doesn't. Of course he fucking doesn't.
Squatting opposite me, elbows on his knees, he watches like he's cataloguing evidence. “You've been chewing nails all day. Talk.”
“I'm busy.”
“Busy hating yourself.” His head tilts. “Myles saved her life, Zane. That isn't a sin.”
Heat flashes up my throat. “He saved her from something I should’ve stopped.”
Phoenix’s eyes narrow, not cruel, just razor sharp.
“That’s why you ignored her up there? Or is it something else?
” He taps one finger on the blood-covered ground.
“You’re scrubbing like a priest with a dirty secret.
But there’s something you can't scrub off this floor... or off your conscience. Maybe a certain something that happened last night?”
“Shut your fucking mouth!” I bark.
I told him too much this morning, even with my clipped answers. He saw the way I couldn't look at her without tasting bile. He knows what I did, what I almost did.
And now he won’t let me stew in it.
Phoenix smirks. “That’s a confession if I’ve ever heard one.”
My pulse hammers and a low growl reverberates through me as I stand, tossing the brush into the bucket like it’s the one to blame for all this.
If I tell him everything, he'll never let me near her again. Maybe he shouldn't.
Phoenix exhales through his nose and stands to his full height as well, still an inch shorter than me. “Confessions are cheaper than bleach, brother. Go talk to her.”
“I'll talk to Ivy when she can breathe without wincing,” I growl.
“You'll talk to her now,” he corrects, suddenly playing commander. “She's upstairs asking why her safest place won't look her in the eye. You’ll fix that before it rots.”
I open my mouth, ready with a retort, but then think better of it.
He's right, and it just twists the knife deeper.
Myles comes clomping down the stairs with a new door pulled off one of the rooms up there.
He glances at us, sweat darkening his collar. “Ivy’s cleaned up. Gave her ice packs but we need to freeze something else before they melt. I think she has a concussion.”
I look back down at the floor.
If I watch him too long, I'll remember Ivy's blood on his face, perfectly mirrored. Like a stamp… a kiss.
The jealousy burns hot like acid, and I know he’s still wearing the blood like a fucking medal of honour.
Myles notices. “You got something to say? Say it.”
Phoenix steps between us, palms raised definitively. “Later,” he snarls. “Right now, we reinforce the building and dump the bodies.”
Bending down to the bucket, the world tilts for half a second. A slow, nauseating roll of too little sleep and too much guilt washing over me.
Phoenix claps my shoulder. “Whoa. Take a breath, soldier. Don’t worry about this. Then go upstairs and patch things up. We’re gonna finish getting the new door on and dump the bodies.”
Myles scowls at Phoenix but doesn’t protest.
I don't either. I can't. If I open my mouth, the truth might spill out.
But when I head for the stairs, Phoenix’s voice follows low enough that only I catch it. “Whatever you did, it's eating you alive. Don't let it eat her too.”
Upstairs, the hallway smells of antiseptic and damp drywall. Myles’s door is cracked open, a sliver of lamplight spilling across the floorboards. I can hear her breathing, shallow and careful, pages turning softly as she tries to read without moving too much.
My knuckles hover over the frame and I almost walk away. But I force myself to push the door open instead.
Big blue eyes greet me. No fear, just an uncertainty that slices me open.
“Hey,” Ivy whispers.
Any apology lodges in my throat like broken glass. I've killed men and never shaken like this.
She shifts, wincing. “You haven't been by yet.”
“I…” My voice breaks. I clear my throat before trying again. “I wanted you to rest.”
Tension pools between us. Stepping inside, I close the door, and the room shrinks until there's only the two of us and the weight of what I did last night.
“Ivy…” My hands shake again. “There's something I need to tell you.”
She swallows hard, as if her hearts already breaking before even hearing my words.
Whatever comes next, I'll take it. If she hates me, I'll deserve it. But I can't keep this buried any longer. Sitting on the edge of the mattress, I inhale and let the confession start.
“I crossed a line last night,” I rasp, eyes fixed on the edge of the blanket. “I... I…”
Fuck! Say it, you coward! Say the thing that's been rotting in your chest all damn day.
“I touched you while you were sleeping.”
I wait for the silence to split open. For her to recoil, to flinch away like I deserve. But she doesn’t react right away.
“I wasn’t thinking straight,” I whisper, voice raw. “I just… I came back from patrol, and you were right there… you were soft and warm and breathing so quiet and—fuck, Ivy.” Dropping my head into my hands, shame washes through me.
Her breath stutters and she swallows hard, but I can’t bring myself to look her in the eyes as I continue.
“I touched you… between your legs. I fingered you, licked you while you slept...” My chest burns.
“I knew you were asleep. I told myself I'd stop but I didn't. Before I knew it, I had my cock out and I almost—” the words lodge in my throat but I force them out like tearing glass from my own flesh, “I almost fucked you without waking you up.”
My stomach turns, haunted by the way I’d justified my actions in the moment. And the silence that follows is unbearable. My ears ring with it. My shame fills every crack in the room.
Why isn’t she saying anything?
“I couldn't look at you this morning,” I admit, voice fraying at the edges. “I thought if I avoided you, maybe you'd never know. Maybe I could pretend I wasn't the kind of man who do that to someone he—” I cut myself off.
You can't say that. Can't say ‘love’. Not after what you just admitted to.
“Then today,” I breathe, swallowing the knot in my throat. “While I was out with Phoenix, I thought, ‘what if that was the last time I touched you’? What if you died thinking I didn't care? Thinking I didn't want you?” I force my gaze up. “Say it. Tell me I’m disgusting.”
Her expression doesn't twist into disgust like I feared. No flinching or horror. Just this stunned look, like I caught her off guard.
Ivy blinks a few times and looks down at the edge of the blanket as her fingers fiddle with it nervously.
I’ve lost her. This is it. She’s gonna be terrified of me now. A chasm stretches between us already and I can feel my heart plummeting into the divide.
Sky-blue eyes search mine and something gentle flickers in them. “I'm upset,” she says, voice quiet but firm. “But not for the reason you think.”
That stuns me. “What…?”
“I'm upset,” she continues, “because it would’ve been our first time… and I was asleep. You would’ve taken the moment from me. Had it all to yourself, while I miss out.”
My brain misfires. “Miss out? Ivy. You should be angrier about this.”
“I'm furious,” she spits.
I flinch, ready for her to rip into me, knowing I’d deserve every hateful thing she says. She can slap me, punch me. Whatever she wants. I’ll sit here and take it.
Ivy scoots closer, wincing but refusing to stop. A shaky fingertip trails the blood crusted on my knuckles. “Furious you wasted an entire day hating yourself… instead of touching me again. With my eyes open this time.”
The room tilts. “I… Ivy,” I swallow, her scent washing over my senses and clouding my thoughts. “I ruined whatever we had… and after Myles, after Phoenix…”
“Is that why you avoided me all day? You’re jealous?”
I shake my head once. “No—well, yes. But it’s not just that. I didn't think I deserved to be near you. What I did was wrong.”
She's quiet for a long time and I hold my breath, waiting for the final blow. Then she leans even closer, determined, and tightens her fingers over my fist.
“I thought I did something wrong,” she whispers. “You ignored me all day. I thought maybe you’d changed your mind about me. That you decided you didn't want me anymore and hated me for—”
“No!” I interject. “Ivy, I wanted you so bad I almost lost control! Can’t you see that? I've wanted you since the day we found you. That’s the problem.”
She doesn't pull away, just takes a thoughtful breath. “Problem? Is that why you thought the first time had to happen while I was asleep. Like I wouldn't give it to you if you’d just asked. Are you ashamed of me?”
The air leaves my lungs, chest caving. “You don’t understand, Ivy. I can’t control myself with you. The thoughts that go through my head… the things I want to do. You would be disgusted,” I choke out.
Ivy frowns. “You don’t know that.” She looks down at our hands for a moment, golden hair brushing her purple cheek.
“Finding out you wanted me so badly that you almost lost control.
It's… reassuring, actually. I would let you do all kinds of things to me… I just want to be awake for our first time,” she says, adding a cheeky smile with the last part.
My stomach knots. She still wants me? Even after this confession?
It shouldn’t matter, but fuck, it does.
My hand cups her face automatically, careful of the swelling. She leans into the touch but then her fingers curl behind my neck, tugging me down until our foreheads meet.
Her breath is warm and steady, fanning over my mouth. Ivy’s long eyelashes flutter slowly as her gaze drops to my lips, inciting those dark thoughts in my head to start whispering.
“Show me what you want to do to me,” she says softly. “Please.”
“Now?! Ivy, no… You're injured.”
My body shakes as I fight for restraint. Which is not easy in Myles’s room.
It’s always messy, scattered with various weapons he’s been cleaning or sharpening. My peripheral vision picks up handcuffs he’s been fixing, rope he’s been untangling. But I shove those thoughts aside.
This is not what Phoenix meant when he sent me to ‘patch things up’.
The warmth of her breath across my jaw sends goosebumps down my neck. She leans closer before I can move, lips skimming mine. Just a ghost of a kiss and my whole body riots, cock pulsing.
One inch closer and I’ll wreck her. One inch, and every nightmare I’ve been holding back becomes reality.
“You and I have both had worse than a bump on the head. I don’t need you to coddle me, Zane. I need to feel you,” she murmurs. “Show me the things you want to do.”
My cock grows but I shake my head as I stare at her, blindsided. “I’ll hurt you, Ivy,” I manage, panting hard. “You've been through enough today.”
It’s the hardest thing to say no to. But if I say yes now, I won’t be able to stop myself. Being in a better headspace is the only way I can ensure I don’t hurt her.
“I want you,” she whispers, “even if it hurts.”
Goddamn…