Chapter Fifteen #3
He loosened his grip on Alex, knowing he wasn’t going to throw hands, or knees.
Alex was honest.
“I know how that feels,” he whispered. “All too well. I know what it feels like to love someone and to lose them.”
That hung there.
Corbin stared down at him, and he hated how much this man reminded him of his past.
Because it made him realize how much was missing from his present.
“Tell me how to not be me so that we can work together. Tell me how to make it work. I can’t lose anyone else,” he admitted. “I’m empty inside, Corbin. I’m one big hole. I don’t feel anything anymore, unless I’m with someone I can trust. I trust you.”
Corbin hated this.
He knew this was bad.
There would be no winners here.
Deep down, he knew what the man was asking, and he simply couldn’t give it to him.
He’d taken a vow, and he’d promised that he’d love Will until the day that he died.
He promised that he’d be his only. Unless Will showed up, knocked on his goddamn door, and told him he was free, he couldn’t break that vow.
Since that wasn’t going to happen, he couldn’t hold onto the what-ifs.
There was no room for anyone else as he was haunted by the ghost of Will.
“Give me a chance,” Alex whispered. “No one ever gives me a chance.”
Corbin tried to get off of him to escape, but Alex held on to that last thread of peace like it was a lifeline—because it was. Deep down, he knew if he let him go, he was going to be lost.
“Please. I just need someone to understand that the pain inside of me is swallowing me whole. I’ll never be loved. I’ll never be happy. I’ll never get to be the real Alex. I’m always alone, Corbin. I need someone to see me. Please don’t leave me too.”
Honestly, Corbin didn’t understand.
Alex wasn’t gay.
“I don’t know what you want from me. I have nothing to give you.”
Alex stared into his eyes.
It was now or never. He had to find a way to feel again, or he was never going to survive alone in the world.
Moving his hands, he pulled Corbin’s face down, and kissed him.
Alex took a chance because he needed to feel.
Tomorrow, he knew what would happen, but in that moment, with alcohol in his system, and knowing Corbin would walk away because he wasn’t worthy, what did he have to lose?
Tomorrow, he was leaving the FBI.
He was done.
The kiss exploded, and Corbin stopped thinking. The scent, the feel…it was all there.
Why couldn’t he have one moment where he wasn’t chased by demons, but instead, was chased by peace?
The tangle of tongues, the heat in the room, and the pain they were both feeling erased all sane thought.
Corbin broke the kiss.
In the morning, he’d leave and head back to Damascus. Their partnership was over.
It had to be over.
If he did this, there was no way he was going back because he couldn’t let Alex in.
He couldn’t let go of that promise.
“You’re not gay. I don’t understand,” he said, his mouth inches from the other man’s.
Alex was honest.
“I’m not anything. Don’t you get it, Corbin? I’m some shadow that wanders around. I live in the darkest spaces where nothing can see me. I am those darkest spaces.”
Corbin said nothing.
“I’ve been in bed with men before. I’ve had lots of sex in orgies with drunken people. I fucked more times than I can count to fill me up, and it never worked before. I’m not gay, straight, or bi. I’m invisible. I’m a dead man walking.”
Corbin stared at him.
“Why would you want to do it again?”
He was honest.
“It’s all I have. I know it won’t change anything. It’s how I say goodbye.”
Wasn’t that the truth?
Corbin went to get up—or at least that’s what his brain told him to do. Only, his body was awake, and he was lost in the scent and feel of this man.
It scared him.
Oh, it scared him so damn much.
This was a risk he wasn’t willing to take. He knew about Alex’s past, and how he fucked and ran. He’d heard him talking about it, and he knew it was a coping mechanism.
Corbin just hoped they survived this.
Because he was about to do something so fucking stupid that he didn’t think anyone would come back from it.
Finding Alex’s mouth, he kissed him, giving him that one moment he wanted.
He stole a little calm for himself, knowing it would blow up. Well, that was tomorrow Corbin’s problem.
He’d deal with the fallout then.
There was a hot tangle of tongues, and hands wandered. In that moment, both men forgot the pain, and instead, they tried to find that silence.
So they could be at peace.
Alex’s hands were in his hair, and Corbin kept him pinned to the mattress. The whole time, he was looking for the signs to see if this was what the man truly wanted.
He was seeking out that reaction of his body being pressed to his.
And there it was.
Not one, but two erections.
From his response to him, there was no doubt that Alex hadn’t lied. He’d definitely been with a man before.
Or he was damn good at just sex.
As he broke the kiss, Corbin had to work his way through this blindly. More often than not, when he had sex, he asked questions like Ethan and Gene had taught him years ago.
He didn’t know if Alex was a top.
A bottom.
He didn’t know how many times he could cum, or if he liked to receive.
There were so many questions.
All he knew was the man was locked in a death grip to his body, like he was afraid to let him go.
In a way, Corbin understood that more than anyone.
As he broke the kiss, Corbin stayed in control, staring down into his eyes.
“If you want this to stop, tell me. I’ll let you go, and we can walk away.”
That hung there.
How did Alex tell the man that was the last thing he ever wanted?
For once in his life, he wanted someone to want him enough to stay. For once, he wanted to be seen, and he’d do anything to have that happen.
He’d slept around in hopes of finding someone to feel anything for him, and it failed.
He’d slept around to hide the truth of how he’d loved Noah, and he never loved him like that back.
“I don’t want to leave,” he finally said.
Well, then, it appeared they were going to see how two broken people could fuck something up spectacularly.
Because here went everything.
“It changes nothing,” Corbin said, staring down into his eyes.
In them, he saw the pain, and that stab of hurt at his words to him, and Corbin felt bad about that, but the truth was the truth.
Finally, Alex said the words.
“You won’t be the first or the last to leave me behind.”
His brain was screaming, and a smarter man would have taken that as his cue to run for the fucking hills.
Well, Corbin wasn’t a smart man.
Clearly.
His choices had always been questionable.
Instead of getting up and leaving to go back to Damascus, he took the worst possible option.
He damned them both to this Hell.
Well, at least misery loved company.
With his mouth, he left bites on Alex’s neck, as his hands slowly undid the buttons on his shirt.
The man beneath him bowed in pleasure, and that delicious erotic pain.
God knew neither were strangers to that.
Not.
Even.
Close.
As he got his shirt open, he began moving down his chest, leaving warm openmouthed kisses. The whole time, Corbin hated this.
Because he loved it.
The man’s reaction to his touch, along with the way he smelled and tasted was enough to tear his control to shreds, and when he left…
It was going to kill what was left of his soul, and he knew it.
This was going to be a mistake.
A.
Huge.
One.
Still, he didn’t stop. Even when he came to the belt on his pants. Instead, he flipped it open, and pulled it free from his body.
That’s when he went there.
“I don’t receive. I’m a top, and give, and I need to know if that’s what you like. If it’s not, I can stop.”
Alex was so shocked that the man was even doing anything with him. This wasn’t what he expected.
Honestly, he believed he’d tell him to go, and that he wasn’t worthy.
He should have been honest.
Instead, he’d let him lead because he’d give anything to be with this man. This was the only place he felt safe, and Alex knew there were no chances left.
He was out of them.
“I’m good with that,” he said.
Well, then, Corbin might just be able to make it through this. It was going to be hella awkward when they saw each other at work, but he just needed something.
He craved feeling anything.
Flipping open his partner’s pants, he saw the telltale bump, and ran his fingers over it.
Alex actually shivered from the feeling of his hand on his erection, and Corbin missed feeling wanted like that. It killed him that this man reminded him of his husband.
It was almost too much.
Almost.
Pulling off his shoes, he pulled his pants down his body, and threw them over his shoulder. That’s when he went to crawl onto the bed, but was met with Alex sitting up.
He slid from the side of the bed to the floor before him, and undid the button on his jeans, and dropped his fly.
And Corbin watched him.
He took it all in, and wordlessly memorized the feeling he was having.
It had been a while.
And he’d have to forget it tomorrow.
When he left.
As Alex stared up at him, the buzz was gone, and instead, he was filled with hope. Oh, he knew it would go to shit, but deep down, there was a tiny bit of him that wanted to believe that tomorrow, Corbin would change his mind.
That he’d see his scars, and know that he was broken almost beyond repair.
That the ‘it changed nothing’ would be erased, and he’d love him.
And it would become, it changed everything.
As he tugged his boxers down, nothing was said as Alex did what he wanted.
He tasted him.
In that moment, he fell in love. As he looked up at Corbin, and stared into his baby blue eyes, he knew why he’d been so upset with the idea that he was going to leave him behind.
He loved him.
Like he’d loved Noah.
Now, he had his one chance to show him, in hopes that he’d stay.
That he’d see the truth.
Because for him, Alex couldn’t say the words.