Chapter Twenty-One #3
That’s why he’d showered at the hotel before leaving. Well, that and to not have to smell Corbin on his skin. It hurt way too much.
With the man’s body language, Corbin got the hint, and sat at the other end of the couch, and stared at the man.
There was so much exhaustion in his eyes, and he’d been there too.
So, he tried to take what Will had said through the medium, and find a way to fix this.
“I loved him so much,” he began. “He became my whole world, and he was for seven years that we were married.”
Alex physically flinched at the words, like it was a blow to his body, hearing it said out loud. Like it hurt to be reminded he’d never have that in his life.
For that, Corbin was sorry, but if they were going to figure this out, they needed to be completely honest with each other.
“Have you ever loved someone that much?” he asked.
Alex stared defiantly up at him, and met his gaze because that was the problem.
He had.
“Yes.”
Well, that said it all.
Corbin pushed on.
“Finding that kind of attachment again scares me. I’m the reason he died. Will died because of me, and even though everyone says it’s not my fault, I carry that.”
Alex said nothing.
He refused to give an inch.
God knew he’d gave last night, only to have it thrown back at him like he was nothing.
Because he was nothing.
Corbin stared into the man’s eyes, and there was that whisper of butterfly wings in his own belly. Partly because he felt something again for this person, and he feared he’d already broken it beyond repair.
So here went everything.
“I was working on a case, and I was up to my eyeballs with it. We were in the process of adopting a child. Will and I both wanted one in the worst way.”
Alex felt that to his soul.
There would be no children for him, or a chance to share that with someone. No one ever wanted him enough to make a life, only to be his friend.
And he was tired of friends.
What he wanted was his person and the courage to take what he needed for a change in life.
He needed that connection to survive. His instinct told him that he wasn’t going to make it much longer without that connection. He was going under, and fast.
Corbin continued.
“I went to work to do some paperwork. It was a Sunday, and Will was going to sleep in. We had some wine the night before, and that was his norm on a Sunday when I worked. I’d left work that day, said goodbye to the other detectives, and instead of going right home, I went for a drive.
I was thinking about being a father, and if I was ready.
Everything seemed to be going so fast, and I was struggling with it. ”
Alex said nothing.
He just listened.
“I drove about an hour and then felt like an idiot. It was stupid to be afraid of something new with the person I loved. I talked myself down, and headed the hour back. I went right home.”
Corbin was reliving it like it was yesterday because it felt like it. Only, now, after meeting Alex, it felt like he could actually survive it.
“I went home, and when I walked in, something told me it was off. I don’t know if it was my cop instincts or what, but the door was unlocked. I had been the last one out, and I forgot to lock the door.”
Alex saw the pain, and it hurt his heart.
“You don’t have to do this.”
He stopped him.
“I do. You deserve to know why I’m like the way I am, Alex. You deserve to know that I have scars, too. I’m going to share them with you because I know what it’s like to feel like I’m to blame, even when it’s not true.”
He said nothing.
“So, I called for him. I yelled up for my husband, and there was no answer, but I smelled it. There was a different scent in the air, like a cologne I’ve never smelled before. The second it hit me, I knew someone had been there.”
He stood up and began pacing like a caged tiger, and Alex saw just how difficult it was for him.
Corbin continued.
“I ran up those stairs, and to the bedroom I shared with the love of my life. I ran in, and he was dead. Someone cut him open, and eviscerated him. His body was a mess, and his organs were out of his body,” he said, tears filling his eyes.
Somehow, he found a way to continue.
“He was stabbed in the heart, and he was stabbed so many times out of rage.”
Alex stood.
“You don’t look so good.”
He focused on the man and his words. Alex was right. He didn’t feel good about a lot of things.
“I see it every day when I close my eyes,” he said. “I’ve seen it for years. It was over fifteen years ago, and yet it’s as raw as it would be if it happened tomorrow.”
Alex didn’t know how to help him.
“I touched him,” he admitted. “He was still warm. My husband’s skin was still warm.
He’d bled out, and he’d been abused, but he was still warm.
In that moment, I knew that had I come home from work, instead of being an asshole and worrying about being a father, I would have been there.
Had I locked the door, and not been careless, Will wouldn’t have been murdered. ”
Alex moved closer.
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
He wasn’t done.
“I called Ethan and Gene. They were back in DC, and I called them to come. I should have called the cops, but I called my friends because I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t…”
He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and focused on the man.
“They got there, and they found me sitting on the floor across the room, staring at what was left of my husband. They called the police, and because I called them first, I looked guilty. I had blood on me, and I had hours I couldn’t explain away.”
Alex put his hand on Corbin’s arm to soothe him.
“I was crucified. I was run through the ringer, and my marriage was put on display as a cop who killed his gay husband. It destroyed me because I loved him so much that I knew it was my fault for not being there. I didn’t protect him.
Will was the last person I’ve ever tried to protect and who I felt something for.
That’s why I had to put space between us.
I feel something again, Alex, and I don’t know how to come to grips with that.
A part of me feels guilty because I promised to love him forever, and when we’re together, just watching a movie, or going bowling, I feel alive again. I feel happy again.”
Alex listened.
“That hurts because I know my heart is finally healing, and after all of these years, it’s ready to move on. I just don’t know how to do that. I pushed to have a family, and then I got cold feet, and that caused him to die.”
As he stood there, Alex didn’t know what to say. So, he said nothing.
“I’m attracted to you, as you can see from last night. There was a wall when I knew you were into women, and it was a safety net. It was safe because I had that excuse that no matter how attracted to you I was, you weren’t into men, so I was safe.”
He laughed sardonically.
“I’m an equal opportunity asshole, Corbin. I’ve just about done everything in bed. I’ve fucked a male stripper. Don’t ask. There was tequila and a big-breasted stripper that started it. Thus, how I had sex with a man, and he didn’t have sex with me.”
That explained the surprise when Corbin took him last night.
Yeah, and about what he just said...
“I probably wouldn’t like it, since I’m attracted to you,” he admitted. “I’m sorry about last night,” he stated, and saw the look on Alex’s face.
He realized why.
“Uh, not the sex part. The how I just took you. I assumed, and I should have been more careful. I don’t like to hurt people, and I didn’t ask questions to know if you were good with me just taking ass.”
That was the least of Alex’s issues.
Alex was honest.
“I’m not upset about that, Corbin. It was something completely different that hurt a lot more.”
Oh, Corbin knew.
“Telling you that it wouldn’t change anything or matter was a shit move, Alex, and I’m sorry I went there. I’m ashamed of that comment because it was a lie. It changed everything. I talked to my dead husband today.”
Alex blinked.
That wasn’t what he was expecting the man to say to him because it was…weird.
“Pardon?”
He actually laughed.
“Apparently, our boss has a friend who is a medium, and my dead husband needed to cross and in order to cross, he had to tell me to move on. So that was an interesting conversation. It’s been a bizarre day.”
Alex knew who he was talking about.
“Victoria Littlemoon. She used to be a Fed. Yeah, you’re not the only one who has had a run-in with her.”
Corbin was honest.
“I’m sorry I hurt you to protect me. I’m not proud of that. I want to make it up to you.”
Alex stopped him.
“There’s nothing to make up to me. We don’t have anything as a foundation. It was a one-night stand, and it isn’t important.”
That stung, but Corbin knew he deserved it. Instead of giving up, he kept trying. There was something there, and he had to hope he could fix this.
His gut told him that it meant something, and Corbin wasn’t a quitter. When he’d first met Will, he’d felt this way, so now, he was digging in.
“I want to create a foundation for us, Alex. Tell me about your past. I can tell you have scars too, but Elizabeth wouldn’t tell me. She said I need to get that from you. Help me bridge the connection to share.”
He stood there, and then, he retreated back to the couch to regroup.
“I don’t think I can. It’s horrible.”
Corbin came around the table and sat down not far from him.
“Yesterday, you wanted something with me. Is that gone now?” he asked.
Alex shrugged.
Honestly, he wasn’t sure. He was incredibly attracted to the man, and he genuinely felt safe around him. More than that, he went by his gut, and what he felt for Corbin in a mere few weeks eclipsed what he’d felt about Noah over years.
“Then, trust me to be here for you. I made a mistake by hurting you, and making you feel like you didn’t matter, but you do. I think I deserve to know what I’m up against here.”
Alex stared into his eyes.
“What happened to your back?” he asked, testing to see if the man would be honest with him, or not.