Chapter Twenty-One #4
At his question, Corbin wasn’t shocked. More times than not, he forgot about his physical scars, until someone he got naked with pointed them out.
Like now.
So, he kept trying to build a foundation, so he had a leg to stand on. Will said he was the one, and he believed it. Now, he had to find a way to get Alex to open up to him.
So, he shared.
Standing up, Corbin pulled off his shirt, and turned around so Alex could see them better. Then, he turned around, and undid his pants.
“Uh…”
He stopped him.
“There’s a method to my madness. Everyone asks about the back, and they follow up with my thigh.”
When he dropped his pants, he lifted the boxer on his leg, and showed him.
Alex stared at it.
It was a skull. He’d felt it under his hand last night when he was giving him a blowjob, but he had been a tad bit drunk and enjoying the moment to focus on it.
Corbin explained as he pulled his jeans back up to hide the evidence of his past.
“I was on a case. I went undercover when I wasn’t ready, and the bikers in the bar taught me a lesson.
They left me for dead after raping me. There were five of them, and they branded me.
I was going to be sent off into the sex trade, but they got too rough and went too far.
That was what saved me from being killed later by a buyer, and who knew what? ”
Alex actually looked ill.
All the decent people did when he shared his past.
Corbin was to the point.
“So unless your terrible is that same terrible, trust me, I’m not going to be horrified by what you say. I’m not going to run, and I’m not going to take it lightly. I’m an advocate for people who have been abused, and I can tell from how you run, and how you fight, that you’ve been a victim too.”
That hung there.
Alex was measuring out everything the man had said. He wanted to have hope, and he wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe, he might be able to finally find that safe place to hide. Only, he had to make sure.
“I was six. My parents did a lot of drugs. They ended up making drugs, and caught the house on fire. I climbed out on the roof, and I was saved. They weren’t.”
Corbin’s heart hurt for him. He’d been called to countless drug houses in Philadelphia when he was young. They were always traumatic to the kids.
“That had to be scary.”
Alex shrugged.
“It made me who I am today. You don’t forget your past,” he said, wishing he could.
Corbin said the only thing he could.
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
Alex actually laughed.
“That was the good part, Corbin. Trust me. Maybe we shouldn’t have this discussion.”
Corbin put his hand on the man’s knee.
“You have to trust someone. I’ll never break that trust if you open up to me. I’m not a dick.”
Deep down, Alex wanted his person, and he’d kill to be seen and loved. While he knew he could never give the words to anyone, he hoped his person would see and know.
“I was sent to live with my grandfather—my mother’s father and he was the most evil, horrible person on the face of the earth.
He was a minister, and he believed in pain and suffering to teach a person character.
He abused me a lot from the age of six to sixteen.
At sixteen, I ran away, and I got picked up by a case worker.
She was sweet, and she took care of me, until my grandfather got me back. ”
Corbin just listened.
“He came for me, even though he didn’t want the burden of me in his life. I begged and pleaded with her. She knew all about the abuse and what he did to me. Still, she let him take me. I never recovered from that betrayal. She let him take me back into that house of horrors.”
Corbin went there.
“What did he do to you?”
Alex laughed, and he sounded so tired. Corbin knew how exhausting survival was. He’d fought to live, only to lose the one person who helped him stay afloat. Along with Will went his desire to live.
Corbin’s heart hurt for him.
“When he got me back, he was worse. He told me every day they died because of me. They died trying to make money. I should have been in the fire. He withheld food, affection, and anything to spare the rod or spoil the child. His whole goal was to make the demon living in his house repent for his sins—sins that weren’t mine.
He wanted me to suffer for the sins of my parents, and the burden I was. At some point, I wanted to die.”
Corbin picked up his hand, and held it in his, giving him someone to hold onto as he relived it.
Because that’s what he’d want.
“I started working full-time, and doing community college full-time. I got a job as a cop, and then a detective, and along came Elizabeth and gave me a job in the FBI. By some miracle, she saw value in me, and thought I could be an asset. She’s the first person to believe in me.
God knows I was a mess, until I was paired up with Noah. ”
Corbin had never met the man, but he knew there was a fondness between the two of them.
“He saved me while I saved him. His fiancé was abusive, and I protected him. He became my whole existence. We worked together, came home together, lived together, and it was the ONLY relationship I ever had that I loved.”
God.
That sounded like his relationship with Will. He’d relied on the whole aspect that the man needed him. It gave him a sense of importance.
Until it was gone.
Alex was honest.
“I’m not lovable, I fuck things up, and I destroy everything that I touch.”
Corbin was curious.
“What happened between you and Noah?”
He laughed sardonically.
“Nothing. Noah and I never crossed that line. As partners, that seemed more important, and I’m not stable.
I can’t tell people I love them, and I could never tell him, but I did feel that for him.
I’m a mess, and I can’t have relationships.
So, I don’t. I always assumed he’d be there but then, he fell in love, and he got married. ”
Corbin let him talk.
“He met Lawless Jackson, and by God, I hate that man. I hate how perfect for Noah he is, and how kind he is to him, and how he worships the goddamn ground he walks on. He’s more of a man than I am, and Noah deserves the best, and he got it.
I was a coward, and I never told Noah how I felt, and by the time I was smart enough to realize that I loved him, it was too late.
He loved someone else. He found his person, and it wasn’t me. ”
Corbin didn’t stop him.
“So then, it was freefall again. Noah, my security net was gone, and I was alone. Elizabeth has been trying to find me a partner for seven years. For most of them, it was Noah, but on and off, it’s been a nightmare for her. Then, there was you.”
There was silence from Corbin. He was listening, and trying to learn how to help this man, and how to help himself.
“The day I met you… I knew that what we would have would be special. We’re similar cops. There was no way we wouldn’t mesh. I felt this click, and everything that was gone came back again.”
He was aware.
Corbin felt it, too.
Then, it scared him, but now, it gave him a fighting chance to help rebuild both of them, and he was willing to do the job. Corbin had been alone for a long time, and he didn’t want to be alone anymore.
“We definitely worked well together.”
Alex agreed.
“You were the best partnership I’ve ever had, and that’s including with Noah, but it doesn’t matter. I somehow destroyed it by just existing. By just picking a cologne that would make you run from me. I still don’t understand that.”
Corbin knew he owed him.
“You smell like him, and one of my favorite things about Will was the scent of him. I leaned over your shoulder, and I picked up his scent and it took me back. It hit hard and it made me feel a lot again. It scared me, so I ran. I didn’t run from you because you’re a mess, Alex.
I ran from you because I could feel myself being pulled toward you.
Because I can feel again when I’m around you, and that terrifies me. ”
That hung there.
Now, Alex was curious.
“What was he like? What was it like to have your person? Did it feel good?” he asked, a tear slipping down his cheek.
“It was nice, until it wasn’t. Will was smart. He was a lawyer. It felt good until it felt like the most horrific thing I’ve ever experienced. I was raped by men for hours, Alex, and losing Will was far worse.”
Alex just listened.
“When I was hurt, I pushed him away, and he fought so hard for me. You remind me of that. Your laugh is similar, and when you smile, it’s the same dimple. That cologne was just way too much for me. It was a sucker punch that it was time for me to love again after a very long time.”
Alex didn’t want him to hurt, but he knew he wasn’t worthy of love. No one in his life had ever given him that, and it would fall apart.
It always did.
To protect himself, he couldn’t fall back down that rabbit hole. Corbin ran once, and he’d run again.
“I’ll carry this one,” Alex admitted. “I don’t want you to have to look at me every second of the day and hurt. So, you were right to push me away. I’ll fall on my sword for you. You should have another partner, Corbin, and you should forget about me and what happened.”
Corbin didn’t want that.
“And if I don’t want another partner?”
It didn’t matter.
“I quit. I’m packing this up, and going back to DC.
I own my house, so I can do what I need the next few months until I have to find a job.
I can’t do this anymore,” he admitted. “I had two good partners. One I said nothing to, and one I remind of his dead husband. There’s nothing left here for me,” he admitted.
“The universe hates me, and I can’t fight anymore. I’m emotionally empty.”
Corbin knew he had made a mess out of this.
“So, just be safe out there, Corbin. I don’t want to hear you got hurt.
I hope you find your way through this. I won’t get in your way.
Will was a lucky guy to have you. I hope he knew that with the years he had with you.
To have what you both have, I’d sell my soul and die for it.
That’s how valuable love is to me. It’s a commodity that I can’t afford. ”
Corbin went here.
“I don’t want you to quit.”
He laughed.
“Well, I already did, so…”
Corbin tried.
“Don’t quit. Be my partner. I don’t know if we’ll survive this together, or it’ll be a clusterfuck, but give me a chance,” he said, not missing the irony that Will had once begged for him to fight for them, and now, the shoe was on the other foot.
He stopped him.
“I can’t, Corbin. I can’t be your partner, have sex with you, and then hope that one day you’ll wake up and see me.
I’m tired of being invisible. I can’t risk that you’ll jump in, and then jump out because one day I put butter on toast the way your dead husband did.
I can’t live in the shadow of the love of your life.
I know that you’re just out of my reach.
I can’t replace your husband. I can barely be Alex on a good day, and to think that you’re only with me because I remind you of a dead man… ”
He took a breath.
“Corbin, I can’t love myself, so I’ll never be able to tell you what you need to hear. I’m a bad bet, so I’m going to give you what I can. I’m going to leave.”
Corbin went there.
He kept fighting.
“You don’t know what tomorrow will bring, or if it will change everything. I was wrong, Alex. It did change everything for me.”
He said nothing.
“You’re my soulmate,” Corbin said. “I can feel it in my chest,” he admitted, taking the risk unlike the last time. With Will, he waited weeks, when he knew in seconds.
Corbin knew again.
This time, he’d be honest.
“You’re meant to be mine. I know that this is meant to be. Don’t throw it away. Give me a chance. Dig deep, and find a little more hope. I’ll foster it, and I’ll feed it. I’ll help it grow. I’ll protect it and you while you get stronger so that we can have something worthy of love.”
He wanted to in the worst way, but he couldn’t bear being hurt anymore.
To him, it was all pretty words, and nothing more. He’d seen the anger last night when he told him it changed nothing, and he couldn’t do that again.
“I can’t make that decision now. I’m too emotional. I can’t give you any more of me. There’s simply nothing more left to give.”
Corbin hated that he’d hurt this man so much that he couldn’t even muster one more chance.
“I still need you in my life, Alex. The journey is just beginning.”
He stopped him.
No, it wasn’t.
Alex had to cut his losses, because he couldn’t survive another devastating blow.
“I’m sorry, Corbin. I just can’t keep being hurt. I gave you all of me that I had left. There’s nothing in me anymore. I’m completely empty. I think you should go, for both of us.”
And there it was.
The end.
Corbin stood up.
He knew how not to handle this. Alex never had free will, or was able to have choices, so he wouldn’t push him. It was now in Fate’s hands.
He touched the man’s face, and he actually flinched. He’d never seen the depth of his scars until that moment. Alex had hid them well under laughter, joking, and general teasing. He put on a good front, but now, he was stripped bare, and this was the real him.
Shattered.
Broken.
Empty.
Yeah, well, he knew that feeling all too well.
As he palmed his cheek, he stared into his eyes.
“If I never see you again, thank you for last night. Whether you believe me or not, it healed a piece of me. I’m sorry about your past, Alex.
If I could go back and save you from it, I would have—without a moment’s hesitation.
I would have gone back there to fight for you.
Be safe,” he said, giving him a kiss in the middle of his forehead.
“I will never forget you, and what you’ve given me. I’ll hold that safely in my heart.”
Then, he gave him what he wanted.
He walked to the door.
And said one last thing.
“For the record, Alex. I would have said it enough for both of us,” he admitted, meaning the ‘L’ word. “I would have told you I loved you every day, and I would have chased away what scared you until you healed enough to say it back to me.”
That hurt Alex’s heart because that was all he wanted. Instead of begging him to stay, he let him go.
“Goodbye, Corbin. Be safe.”
And he never turned around. There was no point, and Corbin knew it.
In that moment, he knew nothing he’d say would matter. He’d talked to Will through Elizabeth’s psychic friend, and he’d already he lost his partner and any chance of a future.
Soulmate or not.
One thing was for sure.
He’d let the man who would heal him slip away, and all because he’d said those shitty words.
It changed everything.
And he had been a fool.