Chapter 24 Des
DES
Agood night out for me was going to a hot new restaurant followed by a nightcap at a swanky martini bar. It didn’t involve cotton candy or Tilt-a-whirls. But that is where life has brought me tonight, to the Sourwood Elementary Halloween Carnival.
And I’m low-key excited.
The smell of funnel cake and sounds of gleeful screams deliver a nostalgic punch. The lights and sugar high are even strong enough to shake Davy from his funk for the night.
The Ferris wheel creaks overhead, the bright bulbs spinning in slow, hypnotic circles.
The smell of kettle corn and fried dough fills the air, mingling with the distant sound of kids shrieking on the spinning teacups.
I shove my hands into the pockets of my jeans, trailing a few steps behind Tanner and the kids as they weave through the crowd.
I spot Griffin and Jack at a game throwing baseballs to knock over wooden pins. Garish, large stuffed animals hover above, tantalizing Griffin’s two young daughters.
“You call that pitching?” June, Griffin’s highly opinionated seven-year-old, yells at the two large men. “Put some oomph into it. There’s an Olaf stuffed animal on the line.”
“This is harder than it looks,” Jack says, breaking a sweat.
“So is long division, but you don’t see me complaining.” June crosses her arms. She’s got a lot of spirit. I’m secretly scared of her.
Griffin briefly makes eye contact with me. His eye flits between me and Tanner, which elicits an eyebrow raise from him. Are you shitting or getting off the pot? His expression asks me.
“Dad! Focus!” June yells.
I turn back to the kids.
I shell out what feels like a month’s salary on ride tickets and refreshments for everyone. The kids gobble down enough fried Oreos and cotton candy to make their dentist a very rich man.
Tanner hands Davy and Dean a handful of tickets before they run off to join their friends.
The boys hold out their hands like hungry goblins.
Lena decided to skip the festivities to hang with Matthias and her friends.
I asked her to elaborate on what “hang with” meant.
She said they were all studying for a test. Before I could call bullshit, Tanner approved.
He told me he trusts her. I should do the same.
She’s a good kid. But the image of the vaping pen sticks out.
Lulu is talking a mile a minute, giving us a rundown of her itinerary as she holds each of our hands. “First, I want to ride the carousel. Then the bumper cars. And the train ride. Can one of you win me a bear?”
“Let’s take it one thing at a time,” Tanner says, with a crinkle in his cheek.
“This is nicer than any school carnival I went to,” I say, surprised at how big the whole thing is.
“Russ runs a tight ship. I’ll give him that.”
Lulu slips from our grip and runs to a flying airplane kiddie ride. So much for her itinerary. My hands graze against Tanner, who pushes them back in his pockets.
It’s been awkward between us since…that night.
The night I turned him down.
It wasn’t supposed to be like that. I wasn’t supposed to feel this tight pull in my chest every time I look at him, wasn’t supposed to catch myself watching the way his hand grazes Lulu’s shoulder or how his eyes crinkle when Dean makes another dumb joke. I wasn’t supposed to want more.
So, yeah, I pushed him away. And now things remain complicated.
We’ve been living in this weird gray area that’s new for us. We’re not the kind of friends who leave things unsaid. I want to be with Tanner, but I’m terrified of breaking his heart—which would mean breaking the heart of four wonderful kids, too.
“Daddy, can we go to the ring toss?” Lulu tugs at Tanner’s hand, her face sticky with remnants of cotton candy.
“Sure, sweetheart.” Tanner’s voice is easy, but his eyes flick to me for a brief second. It’s subtle, but the tension’s there, hanging heavy between us. He adjusts the collar of his flannel shirt, trying to act normal, but I see the faint strain in his jaw.
Like many parents in shaky marriages, we smile for the kids, though.
Tanner tries his hand at the ring toss while I cheer him on with Lulu on my shoulders. I pat his back here and there for support. Tanner wins her a little Smurf stuffed animal that feels like a gold medal at the Olympics tonight and will gather dust by tomorrow.
“Hey.” Tanner turns to me in a brief moment. “I have some good news,” he says with a heavy cloud over him. “I have an interview with this company next week. MedTech. They seem very excited about having me.”
“That’s great!” I muster partial enthusiasm, but it feels so out of place against the seriousness in Tanner’s voice. “Is it a good job?”
“Yeah. Seems like a nice place to work. The woman I spoke with who’d be my boss seems nice. So if I get this job, it means I can put the kids on my insurance plan once I start.”
Oh. That’s the other shoe dropping.
“We can get our marriage annulled in maybe a month. Have things go back to normal.” Tanner pats my shoulder, the most bro-y, platonic move two men can do.
“Great,” I say.
“I know it’s abrupt. We said this was just until I could get a new job. We can keep things quiet until Stan makes his choice for creative director.”
“Yeah. Of course. We knew this was coming. And I’m glad it is.” I nod at my friend. “Congratulations.”
If all goes according to plan, in a month, our marriage will be over. All this, this whole life of chaos will be done. No more carnivals and making breakfast. No more sharing a bed. No more messy, cluttered house.
But I can tell that this is what Tanner wants. He wants his life back, and I guess I do, too. I’m not going to put a damper on tonight and give Lulu a shitty core memory. The big thing I’ve learned about being a parent is smiling through the pain.
“Where to next?” I ask Lulu, squatting down to her eye level. She’s currently ensconced with her Smurf.
“Hmmm.” She lets the Smurf whisper into her ear. “We want to go on the flying airplane ride.”
“Awesome!” I give her and the Smurf a high-five. “I’ll catch up with you.”
I let them drift toward the booth while I hang back, trying to breathe through the noise and chaos. My phone buzzes—work emails piling up, more pressure about the Silq Cosmetics pitch coming up—but I ignore it. For once, I need to focus on this…fake family…that doesn’t feel so fake.
I scan the crowd, eyes drifting toward the rows of tents and booths. That’s when I spot him—Matthias. Lena’s boyfriend.
Or supposed boyfriend.
Shouldn’t he be hanging out with his girlfriend?
He’s by the edge of the school grounds, half-hidden between two food trucks. He’s talking to some tall guy in a hoodie, the kind of guy who looks like he either sells burner phones…or something worse.
My stomach tightens.
The guy hands Matthias a wad of cash, which he quickly counts and stuffs in his back pocket. Matthias pulls a brown paper bag from his backpack and quickly hands it over. The guy darts out of sight.
I knew it. That sweater vest didn’t fool me for a second.
I’m moving before I can think about it, cutting between families and booths, my heart pounding. If this kid is dealing drugs at a freaking elementary school carnival, I’ll—
“Hey,” I say sharply as I approach, grabbing Matthias by the arm. “What the hell was that?”
Matthias jumps, his face immediately turns pale. “Whoa—Mr.—uh—Des…Hey—”
“What were you just doing?” I snap, stepping closer. “What did you give that guy?”
“It’s not what you think—”
I level him with the kind of look I reserve for junior copywriters who miss deadlines. I fist his sweater vest and pull him close. “Don’t lie to me. I saw the exchange. I won’t have my stepdaughter dating a drug dealer. You don’t fool me, Matthias.”
Sweat beads stream down his face. Matthias swallows hard and reaches slowly into his backpack. I steel myself, wondering if he’s going to pull a gun on me. But instead he takes out… a comic book in a plastic folder.
I stare at it. Retro Spider-Man. Ready to save the day. Whereas Matthias looks ready to shit his pants.
“You’re selling comic books?”
“Vintage comics.” Matthias holds it up like proof of his innocence. “Jimmy wanted a special limited-edition Spider-Man comic. I forgot to bring it to school today. He’s volunteering at the carnival, so we decided to meet up.”
His face flushes with embarrassment, his light skin getting translucent.
I blink, exhaling slowly as my pulse starts to settle. “Jesus. I thought you were…” I shake my head. “Never mind.”
“No! I don’t do that stuff. Any of it. Not even the stuff that’s technically legal.” Matthias fidgets, shifting his backpack from shoulder to shoulder.
“What’s your deal? Are you really like this?”
“Like what?”
I take a good look at Matthias. His sweater vest. His eager to please demeanor. The nervous pitch of his voice. I see now what’s undeniable: he really is this squeaky clean. It’s not an act.
“Why aren’t you hanging with your girlfriend tonight?” My stern look reminds him that he better not lie to me, though now I’m certain he won’t.
Matthias’s ears turn pink. “Um. About that…”
“What?” I narrow my eyes.
“We’re not really dating,” he admits, voice low. “It’s a cover. She asked me to pretend.”
I freeze. “What do you mean, ‘pretend’? You’re her fake boyfriend?”
Matthias runs a hand through his hair, glancing nervously toward the carnival crowd. “I don’t know if I should say.”
I take a step closer. “Now you definitely should say.”
“Lena’s been hanging with some upperclassmen. Some sketchy kids. I don’t know all the details, but she figured if she had a ‘nice boyfriend,’ it’d keep things chill at home. Not like her dad even notices anything she does.”
I wince at the comment, even though it wasn’t directed at me. There’s no time to fight back against that accusation on Tanner’s behalf. I need to keep digging.
My chest tightens. “Sketchy how? Like…vaping?”
Matthias nods.
“Is it just nicotine, or is it pot?”
He nods, too nervous to elaborate.